Facing a family rift at Christmas? Experts share their top survival tips
It’s that time of year again – when you’re about to come face-to-face with that loved one you never want to see again.
The festive season is a time to be, well, festive but this can be challenging when there is a family rift: think Christmas around the royal tree in 2025 with Prince William, Prince Harry and their respective clans.
On the celebrity front, there is no shortage of less-than-happy families, most recently headlined by the Beckham family’s reported family feud between David and Victoria and the eldest of their four children, Brooklyn and his wife Nicola Peltz-Beckham.
Brad Pitt is reportedly estranged from most of his six kids following his split with Angelina Jolie and Britney Spears’ fight with her dad, Jamie Spears, and sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, has long garnered global attention.
Kelly and Aimee Osbourne reportedly don’t speak with Kelly quoted as saying the siblings are “really different” and “don’t understand each other” while Liam and Noel Gallagher famously feuded for years before reuniting for this year’s global Oasis reunion tour.
And let’s not start on the Kardashians. But you don’t have to be famous for things to go awry on the family front.
While there is no precise figure for the total number of families affected, it is estimated about one in 25 Australians have experienced family estrangement at some point in their lives.
A Cambridge University study into family estrangement found common factors contributing to relationship breakdown with parents, siblings and children include “emotional abuse, clashes of personality and values and mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships”.
It also revealed 90 per cent of estranged family members found the Christmas period particularly challenging.
The Sunday Mail speaks to some of the nation’s top psychologists and lawyers for tips to help set aside a familial feud for the season of goodwill and reduce the risk of conversation deteriorating into arguments over who gets to use the family beach house or biffs over the rightful owner of great-grandma’s diamond ring.
The experts’ recurring list of pointers to help peace prevail include reducing alcohol intake, ensuring good communication, planning ahead with pre-considered strategies in mind, setting boundaries, avoiding topics “likely to cause a stir” and taking “a live and let live approach”.
‘Leave historical gripes at the door’
Leading Adelaide family lawyer and collaborative practitioner Bev Clark’s top bit of advice is to “agree in advance to leave any historical gripes at the door – or don’t come”, urging the occasion be kept “conflict-free for the sake of the children”.
“As family lawyers we see many families struggling with the festive season,” she says.
“There are invariably arguments about who has the children wake up with them … it is not just spouses who can become embroiled in disputes over where the children of a relationship spend holidays or festive events – grandparents who have been distanced from their grandchildren have the right to make applications if they are being prevented from spending time on important occasions.
“We (also) see many arguments caused by drunken family members who may have been tolerated by a spouse during the marriage.”
Causes of conflict
Ms Clark says there are scenarios where a family divide has been created due to an adult child’s treatment of a parent, the younger generation seemingly driven by a desire to access “an early inheritance”.
“I have had cases where adult children of the relationship have sought to oust their surviving parent from their home after the death of one parent as they are intent on trying to secure funds for themselves,” she says, adding adult children of previous marriages can also be problematic.
“We see a lot of tension when elderly or older couples have adult children from prior relationships ... (they) have a vested interest in the property of their parent and cause trouble both during an intact relationship or after separation.”
Australian Psychological Society CEO Zena Burgess agrees the reasons for conflict within families differ but common themes include wills, estates and inheritance decisions, as well as disagreements about how to care for elderly relatives, manage shared property and divide responsibilities.
‘Emotionally-charged’
Dr Burgess says unresolved family conflict or strained relationships may resurface when people who don’t usually spend extended time together are “suddenly in the same space”.
“The festive period can be an incredibly stressful time for families … this heightened stress can make minor disagreements escalate more easily and lead to tensions,” she says, adding “people can often feel the pressure of creating the ‘perfect’ day”.
“When families come together, it’s important to respect other people’s boundaries, whether we agree with them or not; reflect on our own boundaries ahead of time, so we are prepared in the event of having them challenged.
“To protect our wellbeing in a tense family environment, it may be beneficial to not engage in deeper or more emotionally-charged conversations, which may reduce the intensity of interactions between family members.”
Actions over words
UK-based News Corp columnist and relationship expert Jean-Claude Chalmet adds “saying sorry” isn’t always the answer.
“Your behaviour and intentions can show contrition more convincingly than words can ... don’t say sorry if you’re saying it only to prompt an apology – that suggests underlying resentment and that your apology isn’t heartfelt,” he says.
It is a sentiment shared by Jane Fox, a partner and head of family law at DBH Lawyers who references “complex dynamics in family units”.
“Stress at Christmas time can often be caused by differences - differences of opinions, of priorities, of what is acceptable - and not acceptable … people can also become entrenched in positions to prove a point,” she says.
“Be aware of this – both in others and also in your own interactions … Christmas lunch can become a big melting pot of different ideas on topics from politics, to social media or which glaze is best to use on the prize baked ham.
‘Live and let live’
“It’s important to communicate, be as clear as you can about plans (but) also to take a ‘live and let live approach’ … be prepared to let some things ‘go through to the keeper’, particularly if this means avoiding a conflict that might have a longer lasting impact.
“If family members do bring up topics that are sensitive, such as wills and estates, distract and deflect or just be direct and indicate that it would be best to talk about that another time.”
And she’s even got some advice for William and Harry.
“Family is family, sometimes it’s amazing and at other times it is challenging or just downright difficult … navigate moments as best you can and know that sometimes it’s best to move the focus from what has happened to what the potential can be in the future,” she says.
Originally published as Facing a family rift at Christmas? Experts share their top survival tips
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