Dear Melissa: I’m addicted to porn, what should I do?

Is there a path to a meaningful relationship after years of an extreme porn addiction? Relationship counsellor Melissa Ferrari believes it’s possible. SEE WHAT SHE SAID

Is recovering from a porn addiction possible? Picture: iStock

An addiction to porn can make dating difficult, but there is a way forward. Relationship counsellor Melissa Ferrari has spent more than two decades guiding couples through some truly tragic circumstances.

DEAR MELISSA:

I am addicted to porn, what should I do?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

In the digital age porn addiction has become a very real issue, particularly for young men, most of whom begin to access pornography from around 12-years of age with a study from the University of Melbourne finding that 85 per cent of males under 30 access pornography weekly.

Regular use of pornography can become a significant issue for those in a relationship and can lead to a dramatic drop in intimate contact as one partner finds it easier to get their release and dopamine hit from a screen rather than to take the time to be intimate with their partner.

The impact of pornography on relationships is something I am seeing more and more in my practice and is often the reason behind couples coming to me with issues of a lack of intimacy.

Such occurrences will only increase with the advent of new technology through AI and VR that can place the user in the most realistic scenarios and like all addictions, pornography can be a tough habit to break.

It is a good sign that you have recognised that you have an issue. Now the next step for you is to get support to help you overcome your addiction and there are organisations and support groups that you can find a healthier relationship with sex.

Can an unfaithful partner be trusted? Picture: iStock

DEAR MELISSA:

I was with my partner for five years then he just left with another woman but when he was with her, he was still coming to see me. He has now realised he made a mistake and wants to come back home. I love him so much, but my problem is I keep thinking will he do it again. In the last year it feels we were never separated because we were still seeing each other, working through things together. How do I get over the thought that he will do it again. Please, I need help and understanding.

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

Trust is the bedrock of all successful relationships, and that trust was broken when your partner made the decision to leave you for someone else. The only way that you both can begin to rebuild that trust is if your partner is genuinely regretful and remorseful over what occurred – ultimately, he is the medicine.

Your brain is still trying to process the trauma of someone you love abandoning you and this can also open past traumas, particularly if as a child you experienced a similar feeling of abandonment with a break up of your parents relationship or other significant loss or issue.

Past trauma associated with abandonment is often the reason that people will wait for someone to return after a break-up – and with my clients facing these circumstances we have to address these past traumas in order to deal with what is happening now.

Before you make any decision to return to your relationship you should first step away and take time to reflect, this is best done with a therapist who can help you work through any past traumas.

Then if you choose to give it a second shot with your Ex, you can then begin to determine whether he is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused you and begin to work on rebuilding the trust that will ease your thoughts on him potentially leaving you again.

You have been through a lot and are in a very vulnerable place, so the most important thing is to look after yourself, get some support and make the best decision for you – which should be about what you want not what your Ex-partner wants to do.

Melissa Ferrari responds to two submissions from our readers per week. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: I’m addicted to porn, what should I do?