Children worried about their social status and ask permission to sit with certain friends

Children as young as seven are worried about their social status and feel they have to ask permission to sit with certain groups of friends.

Children as young as seven are worried about their social status and feel they have to ask permission to sit with certain groups of friends.

Children as young as seven are worried about their social status and feel they have to ask permission to sit with certain groups of friends with peers dubbed the “Too Cool” groups already appointing “queen bees” and followers.

Experts have warned TC groups have gotten “a lot worse” in recent years, with Australian Psychological Society CEO Zena Burgess saying social media use amongst kids was partially to blame.

“It’s a combination of our community awareness and the large expansion of social media and various platforms,” she said.

“When they (kids) are growing up and they’re forming friendships and learning about themselves there are a few opportunities where they can experience anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions and this Too Cool idea can be inclusive of bullying whether it’s physical, verbal or cyber bullying.”

A Brisbane mum, who wished to remain anonymous under the pseudonym of *Bree, said as someone who worked in a high school, she was shocked to see signs of TC culture infiltrating her 7-year-old daughter’s friendship circle.

Social media has had an impact on children.

“She’s been with the same group of friends since kindy and we have experienced a really big change in the past twelve months with that group and I noticed a lot of it stems from parents behavior and labelled by other parents as TC behavior,” she said.

“We have always had the key message for our daughter to be kind to everybody regardless of who they are and where they come from, and if she’s kind, to expect the same in return.”

Bree said TC behavior she’d witnessed from others included excluding others, picking and choosing when people can or can’t sit with them, exclusive sleepovers and “cliquey” groups.

“We are very open and have discussions with her… some language came from her where I was like ‘I’m not comfortable with that’,” she said.

The mum said her daughter had mentioned asking to sit with certain students who would look at each other and walk away.

“You know, or so and so said no because I’m not their best friend,” Bree said.

“And I just said you shouldn’t be asking permission to sit with people you call your friends.”

Bree said the behavior came as “a massive shock”.

Schools now have a new issue to watch out for.

“They (friends of Bree’s that work in primary schools) have said 8-year-old girls are really challenging with this behavior and part of it is that they’re starting to look at the world and social status more and take this rank order of how they perceive themselves,” she said.

“We had TC’s when I was at school, the difference was that we didn’t have to deal with social media… I just think there’s no reprieve from it,” she said.

Hundreds of parents recently flocked to social media to share their experience with TC culture in Brisbane schools, with one mum revealing adults who were in the TC groups in high school struggled to maintain meaningful friendships or relationships in adulthood.

“...some of the women aren’t able to maintain relationships with other women because they don’t know how to actually be a friend; they still have the TC mentality,” she said.

Another mum commented that her daughter had referred to the the TC group at school as “the sassy girls”.

“…they were the first ones to get phones, wear makeup, tanning products, get boyfriends- now have alcoholic drinks at 15/ 16 year old parties- they seem to bicker a lot and fall out a lot - always some drama,” she said.

Another mum said it was “truly horrifying” to see how these groups had impacted her “once confident child”.

“We used these situations as learning for my child about how not to treat others, and to help them identify what a true friend looks like,” she commented.

Teen and Tween Author Rebecca Sparrow who works with girls on navigating friendships said over the past five years TC behavior was starting younger and becoming nastier.

“…some parents think that in order for their kids to win at school they have to be in the popular group, and they have to be in the a basketball team, or they have to have a leadership badge,” she said.

The battle to be “queen bee” can be daunting.

“It’s not about likeability, it’s about power that they can have in school.”

Ms Sparrow said TC groups usually had a “leader” or “a queen bee”.

“Then everyone else is like minions, and the only way that group operates, is for the leader to have minions around them, agreeing to things that they do, otherwise they don’t have any power” she said.

Ms Sparrow said for parents trying to discover if their child was in a TC group there were various different things they could do.

“So this is where I say to parents, offer to be the chauffeur, right, so the years when your kids are sort of tweens and teens, you spend a lot of time driving them around,” she said.

“So what I would say is, shut up, don’t say anything, they will forget that you are there and listen to the way that your child and their friends talk to each other and how they talk about other people at school

Ms Sparrow compared TC groups to being “like politics”.

“These TC groups always have a huge amount of drama, there’s massive drama, and there’s low levels of trust, because everyone’s always sort of trying to get closer to the leader,” she said.

Dr Burgess said bullying was associated with high levels of depression, anxiety disorders and social problems.

What is the impact of social media on school children?

“If parents say I don’t want you to spend time with that person or if you judge the person’s friends it’s likely they’ll defend a friend rather than think about what the messages you’re trying to give,” she said.

Dr Burgess said abrupt changes in behaviour, acting out, not wanting to go to school or getting into arguments were all signs a child could be impacted by TC culture.

“…when it is destructive and causing anxiety and low self-esteem rather increasing confidence, then it is a problem,”

The Courier Mail reached out to numerous schools relating to TC groups with Brisbane Boys’ College Deputy Headmaster Mr Scott Murphy saying the school was deeply committed to fostering positive relationships and equipping students with the skills to navigate friendships and social dynamics in a healthy, respectful manner.

“We recognize that teenage friendships can be complex, and we take a proactive approach to educating students about the different types of friendships they may encounter.”

“Additionally, our dedicated wellbeing lessons and the bespoke Tartan+ Wellbeing Model provide both structured and informal opportunities for students to reflect on relationships, build emotional intelligence, and develop strategies for maintaining healthy friendships.”

Mr Murphy said the school has also engaged with external experts and programs that reinforce positive relationship skills.

“We emphasize the importance of friendships that are built on respect, trust, and shared values.”

Originally published as Children worried about their social status and ask permission to sit with certain friends