Damn the ham ban – get the hell out of my lunch box

Joe Hildebrand does the unthinkable – having to defend having a ham sandwich in his lunch box.

I NEVER thought I would have to write a column defending ham.

But, then again, I never thought Donald Trump would become president or that his successor would try to shake hands with a pot plant.

We cannot choose the times in which we live.

And so here we are.

According to front page reports yesterday – and frankly this story deserves the page before the front page – the Cancer Council has slipped an edict into school newsletters saying, “DITCH THE HAM SANDWICH” (their caps, apparently).

Now the Cancer Council does tremendous work raising funds and supporting research and sufferers, so I say this with the greatest amount of respect: Get the hell out of my lunch box.

Not only does the edict violate the most fundamental principle of human civilisation – namely the right of parents to screw up their children – but it does so by targeting the most extraordinary piece of meat since Brad Pitt’s appearance in Thelma and Louise.

Ham is amazing. You can have it for breakfast, lunch or dinner; you can have it hot or cold; you can have it in a sandwich, on a pizza or sliced straight off the bone.

It is also one of the very few foodstuffs you can keep in a pillowcase without people looking at you strangely.

Little wonder ham has been a staple of the human diet since our ancestors roamed the plains of the Serengeti.

In short, as a matter of both principle and practicality, ham is something worth fighting for and, yes, even dying for – something which is a very real possibility if the Cancer Council warnings are correct.

And so, in the words of that weird Britney Spears fan on the internet, leave ham alone.

And if you’re going to ban anything, then for the love of god start with chicken luncheon meat.

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Originally published as Damn the ham ban – get the hell out of my lunch box