The 2019 Off the Record Federal Election Awards: Who makes the hall of shame?
You’ve suffered enough listening to Scott Morrison and Bill Shorten drone on and on and on — let’s look at the lighter side with Off The Record’s 2019 Federal Election Awards.
Analysis
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With the end of this interminable election campaign finally in sight, let’s wrap it up with Off The Record’s 2019 Federal Election Awards.
Alex Keath medal for all-round sporting ability: Prime Minister Scott Morrison, for displaying surprising ability during a hit and giggle in Boothby and in other places as he continued his campaign to convince people he’s just an ordinary suburban dad. The pictures of him will at least hold up better than John Howard proving he can’t bowl or poor old Bob Hawke getting whacked in the head by a bouncer, although Hawkey was not a bad cricketer in his day.
Services to the newspaper industry award: Clive Palmer. Not for the multitude of stories his attempted political comeback has generated but his commitment to spending millions and millions of dollars advertising in newspapers. Ad managers all over the country will be crying tonight as the election campaign ends.
Tyrion Lannister sword for behind-the-throne scheming: Outgoing Defence Minister and Sturt MP Christopher Pyne, who is all-but-certain to be the power behind the state Liberal throne. He might be leaving parliament but surely Christopher will never retire from politics.
Academy Awards for best actor and actress: This year’s winners are former prime ministers Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard, for pretending they liked each other at Labor’s election launch, and Bill Shorten. Honorary mention to Anthony Albanese for his press conferences with Shorten.
The Pontius Pilate soap dish: Julie Bishop and Malcolm Turnbull for washing their hands of the party that sustained them.
The Joseph Stalin parchment for erasing history: The Liberal Party has three ex-PMs on its books: John Howard, Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull. None of them managed to turn up to the party’s big election launch.
The Paul Keating political sledge of the campaign: To the great man himself, Paul Keating, who said of Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton: “In those 50 years (in public life) I’ve never seen any public figure as mean or as mean-spirited as Peter Dutton. At this election, those electors in Dickson have a chance to drive a political stake through his dark political heart.’’
The damning-him-with-faint-praise accolade: Sure she meant well but Peter Dutton’s wife Kirilly caused much laughter with this quote in a puff piece designed to make her husband look, well, human. “He is a really good man. He is a really good father and he’s not a monster.’’
The Chicken Little Sky is Falling acorn: To TV head Kerri-Anne Kennerley who predicts the end of the world should Bill Shorten be elected PM. No, seriously, “If Bill Shorten gets in, it’s the end of life as we know it. Honestly, without question.’’
The Back to the Future (tense) poster: “I said we brought the budget back to surplus next year.” Scott Morrison performs all kinds of linguistic gymnastics to convince voters the Budget is in surplus. It’s not. It’s only a prediction.
The front bar early closing, six o’clock swill pint of West End Draught: Of course, goes to Barnaby Joyce after an extraordinary 20-minute shouty interview on the ABC with Patricia Karvelas, which went so off the rails some questioned whether the ex-deputy PM had one or two shandies beforehand.
Inspector Clouseau Keystone Cop award — Former copper Shaun (or is it Shuan?) Osborne for spelling his name incorrectly on election material and holding an election gathering in a cafe but forgetting to tell the owner.
A.B Facey Fortunate Life memorial citation: Centre Alliance member for Mayo Rebekha Sharkie. Capitalised on demographic change and a politically weakened Jamie Briggs in 2016 to seize the Liberal stronghold of Mayo. Then comes up against Georgina Downer — more of that next. The times certainly have suited Sharkie.
The attacking Moscow in winter mortar: In a series of strategic blunders akin to Adolf Hitler and Napoleon Bonaparte invading Russia in winter, the highly credentialed Georgina Downer misses out on preselection in a safe Melbourne seat, moves to SA too late and the blow-in tag sticks (despite family heritage dating back more than a century), and comes up against the aforementioned Sharkie amid attacks from Labor and GetUp! Barring a miracle tomorrow, the times certainly have not suited Downer.
The Carpet Call rug being swept out from underneath honour: Australian Conservatives leader Cory Bernardi, who everyone thought was a right-wing extremist until they saw Fraser Anning and whose attempts at evidence-based argument have been usurped by racists and fascists.
Banquo’s ghost apparition: Three years ago he was one of the biggest names in the political game but after a disastrous 2018 state election campaign Nick Xenophon went from everywhere man to invisible man. Popped out of retirement briefly this campaign to put in a good word for his old colleagues Rebekha Sharkie, Stirling Griff, Rex Patrick and Skye Kakoschke-Moore.
Fifth column award for helping the enemy: State transport minister Stephan Knoll, for Boothby gift to Labor of crumbling concrete and public transport privatisation. Honorary mention to Malcolm Turnbull and Tony Abbott for years of undermining each other
The Qantas Frequent flyer lifetime achievement gong: Queensland MP George Christensen picked up the nickname the “Member for Manila’’ after it was revealed he had taken 28 trips to the Philippines capital in only four years, spending 42 weeks out of the country while a member of parliament.
Crazy Horse dollar in a G-string statue: One Nation Queensland Senate candidate Steve Dickson survived footage of him traipsing around Washington looking for cash from the moral vacuums at the NRA but was brought undone by vision of him in a US strip club, reducing his party leader to tears. Not helped by charming commentary such as: “I’ve done more Asian than I know what to do with.”
Dumb and Dumber dishonour for reverse Darwinism: So, so many social media idiots who couldn’t even find the delete key, let alone stop themselves posting such rubbish. We had the anti-Semites, the Islamophobes, the gay haters, the rape joke merchants...
The Golden Child statuette: For years he was seen as Christopher Pyne’s loyal right-hand man and so when the time came to hand over his Sturt electorate, the outgoing Defence Minister naturally anointed James Stevens as his chosen successor.
The Yogi Bear Political hibernation blanket: Kate Ellis may be toddling off as Member for Adelaide, but it seems unlikely she will disappear entirely. Could a detour into state politics figure at some point in her future?
The Officeworks buy that man a calculator button: Bill Shorten for failing to answer sensible questions on how climate policy would impact the economy and also forgetting about his superannuation policy.
Realestate.com.au listing for finding a new home: The Australian Electoral Commission abolished Port Adelaide (in a way the Crows would love to do, permanently), forcing its long-serving MP Mark Butler to elbow Steve Georganas out of a redrawn Hindmarsh. Georganas then replaced the retiring Kate Ellis in Adelaide.
The Where’s Wally? first edition: He is still technically the nation’s Treasurer but sightings of Josh Frydenberg, one of the Liberal’s better performers, have been few and far between as he hasn’t strayed far from his Kooyong base.
The Divinyls award for self-love: Energy Minister Angus Taylor was caught out on social media for posting under his own announcement: “Fantastic. Great move. Well done Angus.” Rule number one for talking yourself up on social media? Use a fake name.
Originally published as The 2019 Off the Record Federal Election Awards: Who makes the hall of shame?
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