‘It was like nothing I’d seen before’: What really goes on at swingers parties in the suburbs

Mattresses on the floor, topless waiters and ‘play rooms’ - what swingers really get up to at sex parties in the suburbs and why ‘ethical non-monogamy’ is on the rise.

Sex parties in the suburbs are becoming commonplace and provide a safe space for ethical non-monogamy.

The door is discreet, nothing to suggest anything other than an empty warehouse is on the other side. There’s a security guard standing out the front. He checks Veronica* and her friend’s tickets then opens the door and lets them in.

“The first thing I see are these huge floor-to-ceiling black curtains,” Veronica says, “There are two topless waiters standing next to them. I’m feeling nervous, but I’m also very excited. I had never been to an event like this before.”

The waiter pulls open the black curtain, revealing the party behind the drapes.

“It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. I think there would have been about 80 people in there, mostly naked. The next thing I notice is there were about eight Queen-sized mattresses on the floor. All in the same room. There were a few rubbish bins around,” Veronica continues, “And then there were boxes of condoms next to every bed.”

Veronica is a 33-year-old single mother to a primary-school aged daughter. And she’s at an adults-only party.

Veronica isn’t her real name, and she’s careful not to mention other personal details for this story. What she is happy to share though, is her experience at an adults-only party. But not the kind where you imagine tossing your keys in a bowl. Instead, it’s a sleek affair with a DJ, a dance floor and a bar. The staff are dressed in lingerie – or nothing at all. And there is security on hand.

These type of events are becoming commonplace and help provide a safe space for a relationship style that’s gaining traction in Australia: ethical non-monogamy. Google search trends reveal searches for the phrase have increased fivefold, over the past five years.

You may have heard it be called something else: an open relationship, polyamory, swinging. The terminology varies, and I’m told each person, each couple, finds the label (or no label at all) that feels right for them. At its core, it’s about people in a committed marriage or relationship consenting to having multiple romantic or sexual partners.

Abbey and Liam.

According to Evolving Love podcast host Abbey, one it’s certainly not is something to feel ashamed about. In fact, she says most people are intrigued.

Abbey and her partner of 12 years, now husband, started exploring non-monogamy a couple of years into their relationship when they both realised they were experiencing the same feeling.

“It’s called ‘compersion’. We didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s the feeling of excitement or happiness, and sometimes sexual arousal, at the thought of your partner being with someone else,” Abbey, 36, says.

The Canberra-couple, who were living in New York City at the time, didn’t act on it immediately. It was 2014.They were in their early twenties, and a monogamous relationship was all they’d been raised to know.

“We were basically figuring it out on our own. We didn’t know there was a non-monogamous community,” Abbey says.

“We started exploring it, we read some books, we went to some speaking events to get different perspectives on relationships. And I think because we’re quite open people, we just started attracting non-monogamous situations.”

The couple eventually returned home to Canberra with their toddler in 2019, initially keeping their open relationship a secret, with Liam recalling at the time he “didn’t even think there were any non-monogamous people in Canberra”.

Once home Abbey says they noticed their relationship was different from others. They felt incredibly connected to each other, and were genuinely happy.

Meanwhile in their friendship group “the first round of separations started, and we were witnessing affairs,” Abbey recalls.

Abbey and Liam.

“I thought, I can keep this (their open relationship) all to myself for fear of judgement and shame, or I could be honest and share another perspective, because it could be helpful,” Abbey says.

Once they opened up about their relationship to those around them, it evolved from there. They started hosting talks and workshops together. From there it seemed natural to start their podcast Evolving Love.

“We are very publicly out now, our families know,” the couple says.

They agree this style of relationship helps deepen their connection and keeps their marriage alive.

It’s a sentiment echoed by others who’ve embraced the lifestyle, like Ben*, a business-owner who speaks to me from regional Victoria. Again, privacy is paramount for most people in open relationships. Ben isn’t his real name and he doesn’t want his location included.

“I am in the most wonderful relationship; we have a magnificent bond. I have never met someone so loving and supportive. For me, space to breathe is important,” the 42 year old says.

For the father of two sons, aged 10 and two, space to breathe means having a sexual relationship with someone outside of his partner, every now and then.

“I just need a bit of time out. To be free of any rules for a couple of days. I’ll tell her (his partner) I just need to let loose. She understands, but she doesn’t ask questions, she doesn’t want any specific details.”

Occasionally, Ben will meet someone one-on-one for a date, but more often he attends adults-only parties where he explores “play rooms”.

“The events are a safe space, you’re free, you’re relaxed. But then you go home and the next morning you’ve got you ‘mum or dad hat’ back on, and it’s back to reality,” he says.

I ask if his partner also has relationships with other people.

“I want her to have that space and freedom, I encourage her. But she’s in full ‘mum mode’ at the moment. I definitely don’t think she’s had a sexual relationship with anyone since she fell pregnant,” Ben says.

Sydney counsellor Sam Forbes says there is less secrecy about non-monogamy.

Monogamy has the monopoly on mainstream relationships, with a 2023 survey of 50,000 respondents by Relationships Australia estimating 6 per cent of people have been in an open relationship. It’s hard to say if the number is rising, given the lack of research, though some say open relationships have always happened behind closed doors. And now they’re gaining traction purely because it’s becoming less taboo.

“This is not a new thing, it’s just that we can talk about it more now. There’s less secrecy,” says Samantha Forbes, a Sydney-based counsellor specialising in guiding couples through open relationships.

“One person will cheat in fifty to seventy per cent of relationships,” she adds. “It’s really, really high.”

It’s easy to see why some couples decide to explore other options, though Abbey warns non-monogamy isn’t the panacea.

“I don’t think non-monogamy is better than monogamy. It’s just a completely different way of doing things,” she says.

“If your relationship isn’t really working out, then non-monogamy is really going to trigger and exacerbate what is really going on. I wouldn’t say opening up a relationship will save it.”

But when ethical non-monogamy does work, Ms Forbes says “It can actually strengthen a relationship. It is possible for people to these types of relationships and have happy, long term, loving marriages.”

Veronica.

Let’s pick up where we left off with Veronica, at her first adults-only sex party. These kinds of events are held right across Australia. One of the companies that runs these adult-only parties is happy to share some background information, but won’t reveal anything else.

Again, I am told this is because their guests need to know discretion is key. I learn every detail is carefully managed. Tickets are sold (and there’s a hierarchy, single female and couple tickets are a certain price, single male tickets are the most expensive), and those who want a ticket are subjected to a vetting process to “weed out any bad apples”.

The events can range from intimate crowds of 20, up to large events of 200, with security always there. The business-owner says ensuring the safety and consent of each guest is of greatest importance.

Veronica decided to attend her first party because her friend was invited along and she wanted to go along to spectate. She’s dressed in lingerie. Her friend is with a couple, so Veronica finds a spot to stand alone and sips her drink, taking it all in when a couple having sex catches her eye. It looks like an invitation so she sits on the mattress next to them.

“I don’t even know why I decided to sit with them. Then the man asks if he can kiss me on the lips,” she says, emphasizing how safe and consensual the whole event was.

“As a woman in my thirties, I have never been asked that before. And it was really nice to be asked.”

They started kissing and then “he asks if I want to have sex – again, more consent”.

She says about halfway through her time with the man, she looks around and sees about ten people watching, including the man’s partner.

“I hadn’t even realised. And, surprisingly, I felt fine. It was freeing,” Veronica recalls, “I felt empowered. I loved it. And I realise now I didn’t even get the man’s name. I just picked up my handbag at the end, I still had my high heels on and I said thank you. Then I found my girlfriend and got another drink”.

Veronica hopes to fall in love again after her engagement ended with the father of her daughter. I ask if she can see herself returning to one of these parties in future, if she finds herself in a committed relationship.

“Immediately by response is to say no, but I really don’t know,” she ponders.

“I think it’s so drummed into us that a relationship should only be with one person for the rest of your life, no matter how miserable you may be. But the couples I met that night, they were so in love, they had the spark still.”

Originally published as ‘It was like nothing I’d seen before’: What really goes on at swingers parties in the suburbs