What to do if your child is a schoolyard bully

A LEADING Gold Coast-based psychology expert has advice for parents on what to do if their child is a schoolyard bully and how they can help.

USUALLY when we talk about bullying the conversation turns towards helping the victim. But what if your child is the perpetrator?

Peta Stapleton, an Associate Professor in Psychology at Bond University, says focusing on the bully is a more effective — albeit difficult — way of permanently halting the abuse.

“Normally, in instances of bullying most of the attention goes towards the victim,” Dr Stapleton said.

Peta Stapleton

“We teach kids to be more resilient and stand up for themselves. And while that might lead to a consequence for the bully, the bigger picture is left unanswered: what makes a child need to bully another child?

“If the kid feels a need to pick on another kid, well, something else is going on in their lives.”

Of course, attacking the root of the problem is easier said than done. For one, some parents are reluctant to accept their golden-haired child could be tormenting others.

“I think that’s quite common because obviously if you’re the parent you don’t want to think that of your child,” Dr Stapleton said. “And you might not know how to address it.”

Then there is a darker truth: a bully’s parents are sometimes bullies themselves.

“When you’ve got a kid who’s a bully and their parent won’t accept it, often you have a parent who is a bully as well,” she said.

“You have a classic case of modelling where that child is growing up in a family home where they have a parent demonstrating that sort of behaviour either to the other parent or to the children.”

Assistant professor Peta Stapleton. Pic by Luke Marsden.

Dr Stapleton said almost all cases of bullying could be traced to the antagonist’s low self-esteem.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about an eight-year-old kid or a 15-year-old kid,” she said.

“They feel they can’t influence anything else in their life so they pick on a younger, more sensitive or frailer child to bully.

“They always pick a target who won’t challenge them back and it will give them the sense of being powerful and in control.”

Solving the behaviour requires an acceptance that “bullies have problems too”, Dr Stapleton said.

“It’s not just about saying, ‘We have zero tolerance to bullying’. We have to grant compassion to the bully.

“We’re not wanting to turn schools into therapy centres but they should ensure the bully has some sort of ongoing support and intervention.

“It could start with simple question: ‘Hey, what’s going on with you’?”