That’s the confronting reality facing hundreds of Gold Coast women living in dangerous domestic violence situations like that of mother-of-three Kate*.

She recently fled a physically, emotionally and financially abusive relationship after living in fear for years, and is speaking up one month after Kelly Wilkinson was found dead in the backyard of her Arundel home after allegedly being set on fire by her estranged husband. It’s believed Kelly’s three children witnessed the events.

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Kate, 33, says it’s important the subject of domestic violence (DV) doesn’t fall back into the shadows, and she wants to warn others that DV relationships never start out abusive.

“Slowly overtime it escalates, little bit by little bit, until one day you realise that you are actually in a DV relationship and this is not something that happens around you, but is actually happening to you,” she says.

At the start of her eight-year relationship Kate ignored the many red flags or chalked them up to her former partner’s mental health.

“Now, I wish I had walked away at the first one, instead of offering the benefit of the doubt in place of my own boundaries.”

It started out with financial abuse, he was never willing to pay an equal amount or demanded Kate pay for half of everything, even when she had no income. He would steal from her, the kids’ piggy banks and most of the money was thrown into pokies.

“I remember being on maternity leave and him spending his entire pay on a night out. I had to use the last $80 in my account to get him home. And when he got home, he verbally abused me for not having more money for him.”

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As time progressed he refused to watch the children so she could socialise with friends, and when she was out, he demanded to know where she was, calling or texting every hour and harassing her until she came home. He lied about going to work or working weekends and instead would be at the pub drinking with his mates.

“He would come home drunk and shove me, or scream in my face. Sometimes it would be worse and he would choke me or punch me. But I would stand there and take it because I did not know what else to do.

“I hid it from my family, from my friends, from my work colleagues because I knew they would say ‘just leave’ but in reality, I had no idea on how to actually do that.

“I could not bring myself to end a relationship that I felt like I fought so hard to have. He promised me he would do better, he would change, and I would see glimpses of the man that I fell in love with.

“So, I believed him. Now I know this is called trauma bonding.”

With his help, Kate says the pair created a ‘fake relationship’ so that no one around them suspected what was going on behind doors. The mother-of-three says she was afraid of the financial, mental and physical repercussions of leaving — she was also scared of what people would think if it all came out.

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But he was starting to get more aggressive and began lying to friends, so she knew if she left this pattern of behaviour would escalate. Her mental health spiralled downwards and she sank into a very depressed and anxious state.

Eventually she muscled up the courage to see a psychologist who, over the space of a year, helped her to realise that what she was allowing in her life was not OK.

“I started to find the strength to set small boundaries at first and keep them. But eventually the time came that I knew I had to end the relationship. And it was not received well.”

Over a three-month period she would end it with her partner, but he would only leave to return a short while later saying it was he who would decide to break up. He refused to return the house keys.

Kate says he threatened to kill himself, to kill her, their children and her family and friends, and he said he would send intimate videos and photos to her work colleagues and family unless she allowed him to stay.

“He would bombard my phone with calls and text messages abusing me, and then telling me he loved me,” she says.

The pattern continued until Kate sought help from a domestic violence organisation that created a safety plan for when it was safe for her to escape the relationship.

“This safety plan happened to help save mine and my children’s lives that night.”

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For legal reasons, many details of Kate’s daring escape cannot be revealed, but her partner got violent and did things that will haunt the family forever.

“He told our children he was going to kill himself and me. He berated me in front of our children, called me horrible names and proceeded to hold me against the wall by my throat.”

But Kate escaped and lived to tell this tale.

In retrospect, she says the second she started to withdraw from the relationship, set boundaries and open up to people about her situation, her partner started to realise he was losing control.

“This is when the aggression increases, in an attempt to scare you back into subservience. In an attempt to regain the control they are losing.”

Letting friends and family back into her life has been hard, because Kate says there’s a deep misunderstanding that it’s easy to just pack a bag and leave.

“In realty, it’s more like planning an escape. You have to have all of your ducks in a row. It’s not leaving. It is escaping.

There is also a lot of shame around being in a relationship like that. You feel ashamed for people to know the truth, for people to know that you are living a lie, and that someone you love and trust hurts you. You become so isolated and brainwashed into thinking that you deserve it. Which is never the case.”

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Kate urges anyone living in a dangerous situation to seek help and to those who may commit an act of violence she asks the same of them.

“You just have to be brave and reach out,” she says.

“If you are someone who reads this and sits back in their chair and says ‘there’s two sides to a story’ or ‘what did you do to push him to this’ you are part of the problem.

“It is about everyone, standing up and speaking out, so that we are not bystanders. So that we do not condone or ignore this behaviour.

“Domestic and family violence is everybody’s business.

*Kate’s name has been changed to protect her identity and that of her children.

emily.toxward@news.com.au