Why men feel entitled to sex if they pay on a first date

Footage of a man flipping his lid on a first date after he paid for their meal and she declined his offer of sex has sparked a huge debate.

A woman’s incredibly “uncomfortable” encounter with a man has reignited the age-old debate about who should pay on a first date.

The video, which has been viewed over 13 million times, was recorded by a woman named Talisa as her date began to turn sour.

While the camera hovers over an almost empty glass on a table, her conversation with a man she’d just shared a meal with could be heard loud and clear – and its contents are truly shocking.

It starts innocently enough with Talisa saying she “appreciates” that her date has offered to pay for their dinner, before stressing she’s happy to “cover” her half of the bill.

The man insists it’s fine, telling her “I got you”.

But the situation takes a dramatic turn when he offers to walk Talisa to her nearby hotel room and she declines.

Man’s ‘uncomfortable’ sex mistake infuriates. Picture: TikTok/talisa0913

“Oh I get it,” he tells her. “A man pays for your dinner and...”

At this point, an audibly uncomfortable Talisa interjects, stating: “I don’t f**k on the first date.”

After explaining he’s made her feel like she has to have sex with him “the entire time”, the man accuses Talisa of “just wanting a free meal” which she rejects, stating she “has no problem paying to avoid something like this”.

The date then ends with him backflipping on his offer, telling Talisa to pay for her own meal.

Many social media users called out the man’s “disgusting” behaviour, stating it shows he believes he is “owed” sex because he paid – a sentiment Talisa agreed with in her caption with the hashtag “so transactional”.

Man’s ‘uncomfortable’ sex mistake infuriates. Picture: TikTok/talisa0913

Man’s ‘uncomfortable’ sex mistake infuriates. Picture: TikTok/talisa0913

It also sparked a heated debate over who should pay on a first date, something “elite dating coach” Stef Frodden argues needs to be shut down once and for all.

“If the man is initiating the date, then naturally, he should be paying for the entirety of the date,” she told news.com.au.

“As women, we have fought for equal rights. Equal rights meaning HUMAN rights. The right to have a choice. The right to choose what we want to do with our lives, and how we how go about doing that.

“This doesn’t automatically mean that we should now share the same responsibilities as men in every aspect of life.”

Stef, from the Sunshine Coast, revealed the advice she gives her clients to help in this sticky situation.

“A woman on a first date has the option of offering to pay once the bill is received, out of courtesy and politeness. But it’s a gesture,” she said.

“A great strategy that I’ve come across in this situation is to say ‘Do you need some help with that?’”

Sunshine Coast ‘elite dating coach’ Stef Frodden has advice for how to get out of this sticky situation. Picture: Supplied

While Stef, 31, clearly believes a man should always pay on the first date, lots of women take a different strategy.

“If I really like you, I am going to let you cover the bill,” Brisbane woman Amy Dickinson said in a viral TikTok video.

“I’m not going to do the reach, I’m not going to suggest we split it, I am just going to let you cover it.

“This gives me an opportunity to suggest another date and of course, I’ll insist to pay the next time we go out.”

However in contrast, when she’s not interested in seeing a guy again, she will make sure she covers her half of the bill.

“Because I don’t want to owe you anything,” she explained.

Amy isn’t the only woman who adopts this tactic, I’ve been doing it since I first started dating as a teenager when my mum warned me: “Don’t ever accept anything from a man as he’ll expect something back.”

So why do many men feel entitled to sex if they’ve covered the cost of a meal or a few rounds of drinks? According to experts, it’s the concoction of capitalism and patriarchy perfectly intertwined.

“Boys and men are surrounded by influences that tell them they have to act and behave in certain ways in order to ‘be men’,” Dr Emma Beckett, from the department of sociology at the University of Warwick, told the HuffPost in 2019.

“This not only puts men under pressure to act in a certain way, but it also gives many men an excuse to behave in ways they feel entitled to behave in.”

Amy Dickinson said she will only let a man pay if she really likes him. Picture: TikTok/AmyDickinson

I was warned as a young adult that men will expect something in return if they pay for your meal. Picture: news.com.au/RebekahScanlan

So while many men resent feeling like they have to pay, Beckett argues that some also choose to do so as a tool to exercise power and control over women.

“Many men feel they have in effect, invested in that woman and therefore she should repay him in some way – usually with positive attention.”

In Talisa’s case, she describes feeling pressured by her date, and he becomes audibly angry when she declines his offer to walk her home after footing their bill.

Stef insists that while this sort of behaviour happens, “it’s definitely not the norm”.

“If a woman feels unsafe on a date and is in a restaurant scenario like this woman was,

she should simply get up and walk away,” Stef suggests.

“She shouldn’t worry about paying or anything else other than making a safe exit.

“In this situation, throw politeness, common courtesy and kindness completely out of the window and make your comfort and safety your number one priority.”

Interestingly, she believes the reason these shocking interactions occur all too often is down to “a huge gap because of a general misunderstanding when it comes to expectations”.

“As women, the majority of us want to feel taken care of and adored. We want to feel provided for. The current confusion in dating is present because men now presume that we want to pay our way and that we will be offended if they take the lead,” she said.

Even if there is a wild disparity between expectations due to the evolving role a female now plays in relationships (studies show we still do more chores and household labour than men, despite also bringing in a full income) – there’s still no excuse for making anyone feel obligated to sleep with them.

Originally published as Why men feel entitled to sex if they pay on a first date