A man’s guide to surviving pregnancy

AS soon as this is published, I’m a dead man, admits new father-of-two Joe Hildebrand as he reveals how men are forced to suffer during their partner’s pregnancy.

Joe Hildebrand has issued his guide to pregnancy for fathers. Picture: Nigel Lough

BEFORE I begin, I want to stress I’m writing this from a place of love. Namely heaven, because as soon as this is published, I’m a dead man.

What I’m about to offer is a pregnancy survival guide. Granted, this is not a new concept – thousands of books have been written on the subject.

The only difference is this is a survival guide for men. Oh, and that I may not survive writing it.

My only hope is that it will be published after my wife’s pregnancy is over, by which time I will have either faked my own death in the Maldives, or be gently picking dried flakes of baby spew from her luxuriant hair.

In either case, we will both have bigger things to worry about. So, without further legal complications, I present…

THE MIDDLE-CLASS SUBURBAN MAN’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING PREGNANCY

Lesson 1: The Reveal

This is a trap for beginners. Precipitating signs include your significant other mysteriously drinking less while you mysteriously start drinking more.

Recommended responses include: “I can’t believe I’m going to be a father!” and, “I thought you were glowing!”

Non-recommended responses include: “I can’t believe I’m going to be a father!” and, “Can it wait until the ad break?”

Lesson 2: Medical Services

In the brave new world of technology, you can’t just pop a kid out in the back of a station wagon like the good old days. You have to visit a doctor, get ultrasounds and go to a “hospital”. Talk about red tape.

Anyway, here is a basic guide to your options:

Public Go to a public hospital where the midwives tell you you’re doing everything wrong, then pull out a baby.

Basic Private Go to a public hospital where the midwives tell you you’re doing everything wrong, then charge you $10,000.

Premium Private Go to a hotel room with whale songs playing, until you end up in a public hospital where the midwives take away your whale songs.

Joe Hildebrand and his son. Picture: Nigel Lough

Lesson 3: Emotional Support

When a woman gets pregnant, it’s usually a sign that she wants more furniture. Your role is simply to support her in this journey.

If you live within 12 kilometres of an IKEA store, which these days covers more of the Australian population than Vodafone, you will need three things:

1) A map; 2) A compass; 3) No other plans for the next 39 Saturdays.

Lesson 4: Learning To Let Go

There are a lot of things that disappear when your partner becomes pregnant, including her ankles and your money. Mention any one of these and you will not live to see the baby.

Lesson 5: Emotional Engagement

It’s good to share feelings, but wires can get crossed. Some tips to avoid conflict:

After work

Her: “You think it’s hot? I’ve been stuck on the couch – you’ve been in an air-conditioned office all day!”

You: “Would you like a foot massage?”

After dinner

Her: “Who was that fashion blogger you were talking to all night?”

You: “Would you like a foot massage?”

Before bed

Her: “My feet are killing me.”

You: “I think that blogger is a lesbian.”

Joe Hildebrand hosts Studio 10, 8.30am weekdays on Network Ten.

Originally published as A man’s guide to surviving pregnancy