‘I’m a SAHM with school-aged kids but I expect my husband to help out at home’

Some of the comments are shocked by her post, but do you think this is a reasonable request?

Laura Jackel

4 min read

July 15, 2024 - 9:02PM

Image: iStock.

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Being a stay at home mum (SAHM) is a tough job and yet when your partner is working long hours out of the home, it can be hard for both of you to have adequate time to relax and unwind once the kids are finally in bed.

One SAHM with kids aged 13 and five, took to a Mumsnet parenting forum this week to ask if she was wrong to expect more help from her husband around the house. He currently works full time during the week and helps with cooking and bedtimes.

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"I have crippling anxiety"

“I have crippling anxiety and I’m recovering from an eating disorder,” the tired mum begins.

“I do all household chores in the week, I keep on top of house, garden, washing, appointments, meal planning etc. money is tight- ish so we do have to plan what we spend.

“I do both school runs in the afternoon and run backwards and forward to tutoring for the eldest and any other social activities or school related stuff.”

She describes how her husband drops their eldest child to school each day on his way to work and that he takes turns putting their youngest to bed.

“When he comes home he is zoned out on his phone with nothing left to give, he often muddles through bedtime and then more often than not he cooks our dinner. But I’ll have shopped, planned and prepared it all. For example, if it’s spaghetti bolognese he’ll reheat it and cook the pasta and dish it up.

“He doesn’t pick his dirty clothes up off the floor and isn’t expected to muck in with any cleaning during the week. He would never clean the bathroom, fridge or cut the grass etc even if he was off work.”

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"He sat and did some gaming while I worked around him"

The mum explains how it’s the weekends that upset her the most and she describes what happened on a Saturday.

“Today I took the eldest swimming and he took the youngest to the park. After swimming I did food shopping, dinner prep and caught up on chores until he was home. He then sat on the sofa, gaming and drinking beer while kids entertained themselves and I cooked, cleaned, sorted homework with the youngest, vacuumed and did the washing.

“After an hour I asked him how he could sit there and watch me doing everything passing him as he does nothing. He apologized and sat back on the sofa while I did the kids’ dinner.”

She says after dinner they got into a fight when he tried to help her but she shut him down.

“I started taking out recycling after dinner and he started to take it for me and I said no I don’t want any help now, I said to you earlier you should be helping and you still didn’t bother.

“He slammed the front door and told me to f**k off.”

"I don't want them treating me like a maid"

Aside from his taking too much time to relax at the weekend, she says her kids are not respecting her or helping around the house.

“My eldest has to be constantly nagged to do anything at home. I have had to speak to my five year old son this week as he is constantly asking for things while I’m cooking and I don’t want him treating me as a maid and having that attitude towards women.”

She asks the forum if considering her kids are at school and her husband works full time in a mentally stressful job, is she being unreasonable to expect more help from him at home? Especially considering he is a supportive partner in other areas but that he just doesn’t “pull his weight” at home.

The comments are mostly surprised that the SAHM can not find any time for herself during school hours, thus allowing her husband some down time at weekends without resentment.

One commenter makes the point that a lot of families have two partners working once both kids are at school: “Most households manage to fit the cleaning, cooking etc in around work. You have six hours a day so why not take some time for yourself in that?”

"You need meaningful time off"

Another adds that the problem is not her husband, more that she needs to allow herself some fun time away from the housework.

“The issue is you getting meaningful time off,” one woman writes.

“You’ve got five days free between 9am and 3pm. Your husband only has weekends.

“I say this as a full time working parent who runs two businesses with lots of staff and does a huge amount of household chores.

“The person least likely to give you permission for ‘time off’ is you. Take it, fill your cup, and let your husband fill his cup on the weekends. You’ll have a happier life and a happier marriage.”

Finally one poster says she needs to get her teenager involved in the chores in order to set a good example.

“Your 13 year old and your husband can both pull their weight around the house. I'd make up a list of chores and divide them out between you three.

“And make sure you get a break too.”