‘I left my husband when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness’

"He says he's 'medical miracle' and the doctors are wrong - so I put my son first."

A Melbourne mum shares her story with Kidspot.

I left my husband soon after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I’ve also been planning his funeral for him.

Although he was a heavy smoker and drinker all his life... he wasn’t worried.

Even when the doctor warned him he’d be on an oxygen tank soon, and that it would be a drawn out, undignified death.

“That won’t happen,” he told the doctor with a laugh.

“I’m a medical miracle for making it this far!”

He was 48 at the time. As soon as we left the doctor’s clinic, my husband lit up a cigarette.

We had a young child, and I looked down at his little face, knowing we couldn't keep going like this.

If my husband refused to change, then I would have to.

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My son and I deserved better

The marriage had been on the rocks for a while, and this news and my husband's obstinance was the last straw. I knew I’d spend the next years of my life nursing this man through declining health because of his choices and refusal to accept the situation. 

But even worse, that process would be inflicted on my son, too.

I didn’t want my son’s childhood to be about watching his dad slowly dying. He deserved better than that, and yes, I deserved better than playing nurse to a man who did not love us enough to look after himself.

It sounds mean, but when you’re a parent, all you think about is how things will impact your child in the future. My husband wasn’t doing that – so I had to.

Image: iStock

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Every day at school my son expects the call

And so, we left. I have full care of our son, and visits are limited.

It turned out to be the right decision. A few years down the track, my ex-husband can’t drive or work, coughs up blood constantly and walks with a frame.

Dragging along his oxygen tank, of course.

As the doctor predicted, it’s been a slow, painful and undignified decline. I am so glad my son has not grown up living with that every day.

Of course, giving my son a chance to grow up free of living daily with such burdens doesn’t mean he isn’t affected by it. He’s seen his dad in hospital. He’s watched him go from a man he’d go on cycling trips with to a man who’s too sick to even take him to the movies.

For a young boy, it’s been stressful and emotional.

My son even admitted to me recently that every day at school, he expects a phone call saying his father has died.

I’ve reassured him that if that news comes, I will tell him myself. The situation has involved a lot of uncomfortable truth-telling, and a lot of measured reassuring – because the truth is, I don’t know what’s going to happen.

So, I have to reassure my son, provide him some comfort and safety, in a very uncertain time.

I'm planning my ex-husband's funeral

The only thing I can do as a mum is reassure my kid about how we will deal with things. I’ve promised he’s not alone, and I’ll be next to him every step of the way.

This is why I have plans in place for my ex-husband’s funeral. Not because he deserves that from me. But because my son does.

I’ve talked to my kid, who’s now an older and mature young man, about where we could hold the funeral, which of his friends he’d like to be there, what he could potentially say if he wanted to speak at the service. 

I have also decided to speak when the time comes. I want my son to know there was so much in his dad that I loved when we were together. Of course, I’ve already told him that, but to stand up in front of everyone and say that will be something I hope brings comfort to my son for a long time.

"I'm not being a martyr"

Lastly, I have promised my son I’ll pay for the funeral.

I’m not being a martyr, and I certainly don’t want to do any of these things. The goal is to show my kid unconditional support. I think he deserves that from at least one parent.

I hope the overall message I want to send is strong. I may not be with his dad, but that doesn’t mean my son will be alone in his grief.

Grief is already lonely enough. I won’t do that to my son, no matter how I feel about my ex-husband.

Originally published as ‘I left my husband when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness’