Star reveals ‘unsettling’ revelation he had when son was born

A radio producer has broken down in tears recalling the “unsettling” feeling the first time he saw his son, Gordon.

A radio producer has broken down in tears recalling the “unsettling” feeling he experienced the first time he saw his newborn son.

Jack Post, who has worked on radio shows such as the Christian O’ConnellShow and Hamish and Andy’s podcast, spoke about his experience with post-natal depression on The Imperfects podcast.

Jack drew a card that asked him to explain a moment of shame that he once experienced.

“There’s a lot I can say about that, and thankfully I can say it with a bit of perspective now that I don’t associate this story with shame anymore,” he said.

He said he and his partner, Bianca, have a son named Gordon who is two years old. Jack called him “the best” and a “curious legend”.

“I absolutely love being his dad but there was a period of a few months or up to a year that I couldn’t say that. After he was born, I had post-natal depression,” Mr Post revealed.

Post-natal depression occurs after childbirth, and sees new parents be plagued with symptoms such as loss of appetite, difficulty bonding and insomnia.

He said while his newborn son was perfect in every way, he himself was not and he didn’t realise what was going pn. He said he wasn’t ready in the slightest to experience that.

His co-hosts on The Imprefects so often talked about new mums being susceptible to post-natal depression.

Jack Post is a radio producer. Picture: jackpost/Instagram

“The irony that it was me that felt that and the shame of feeling, as the dad, that you are the one that can’t cope when you watch your partner go through so much in pregnancy and labour and being a new mum with so many demands on. I felt a lot of shame around it,” he said.

For a long time, Jack didn’t understand what was happening and had never felt anything like it before. But, over time, it’s something he has become comfortable with saying.

Jack said the seed was planted the day Gordon was born, but it got to its worst point three months after his son’s birth.

“The thing I heard a lot before becoming a father is this child will be born and you’ll hold them in your arms, and you’ll feel a love that you never felt in your life,” he recalled.

Jack and his wife Bianca. Picture: Instagram/@jackpost

He said he was told it would feel like a new type of love — one different from the one you feel for your partner. That was the expectation going in. But, when Gordon was born, Jack remembers seeing him and thinking, “Wow, he looks so much like me”.

“Something about that was deeply unsettling,” he said.

“Something in me was saying ‘this isn’t right, there’s something not right’. His health was fine. I certainly wasn’t feeling broken open with love.

“I remember saying all the right things, ‘I love him, he’s so perfect’. But inside I was like, ‘maybe I need to wait for this connection to come because I’m not feeling what I’m meant to be feeling’.”

But, days and weeks went by and the feeling of overwhelming love never came. He tried to bring it up with Bianca, saying he didn’t feel like he had the same connection to their son as she did, but he said that was a bit of a cop out.

“My true fear was, by some genetic mishap, I don’t love my son. That’s not something I said out loud for a very long time,” he said.

He experienced post-natal depression after the birth of their son. Picture: Instagram/@jackpost

Things progressively got worse. He said when his son was crying it felt “like poison” to him.

He so desperately wanted to be a great father, husband and worker — saying after a week he went back to the radio show. But he felt like he had nothing left to give.

Three months after Gordon was born, Jack’s boss said he couldn’t come into work and he needed to take care of himself. He called friend Ryan Shelton — who is a co-host of The Imperfects podcast — and spoke about how therapy had helped him. He decided he needed professional help.

He said his wife, his boss and therapist got him through the difficult time.

Originally published as Star reveals ‘unsettling’ revelation he had when son was born