Shaming mums for trying to live in the 21st century is just wrong'

"While I agree that a mother’s role in the life of a child, especially in the early years, is paramount, I think she’s approaching this statement with a lot of privilege."

Hey Mumma,

I see you getting up an hour earlier than your family to prep for the day. 

I see you researching whether you have the most competitive car insurance while waiting for the washing machine cycle to end and stopping your toddler from throwing your keys in the toilet. 

I see you wincing every time you read another horror story come out of a daycare or see the numbers on the screen jump in multiples of ten at the grocery store with every scanned item. 

I see you feeling guilty actually enjoying the work you do but hating putting your child in care. 

I see you’re stretched but not doing enough. 

I see you are mentally exhausted, but feel you should be doing more. 

Well, Mumma, I’m here to impart an important message. 

You’re doing your best. 

Want to join the family? Sign up to our Kidspot newsletter for more stories like this.

“I could do better”

I recently came across a TikTok of a woman who was unable to admit she was a good mum and it resonated so highly with me. 

I think I’m a good mum, but I also think I could be better. 

I hate I can’t get my whites as bright in a load of laundry. 

I often catch myself reaching for my phone when my daughter is at the park, and I really could be putting more effort into making our weekly meals a little more adventurous than the rotating 10 go-to dishes. 

And I had to stop myself. 

Why do we put such unrealistic and, quite frankly, unfair expectations on ourselves?

Introducing our new podcast: Mum Club! Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss an episode.

Mumma Tiktok takedown

I’ve fallen into the absolute joy of an algorithm I’ve nicknamed the Mumma Tiktok takedown. 

I was recently treated to an absolute cracker of a video featuring Erica Komisar, a clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, and parent guidance expert, and I was left feeling, well, kind of terrible.

I’m not going to post a link to the video because whether you agree or not, I don’t want to be responsible for ruining your day. 

However, I will summarise it…

In the video, Erica tells the interviewer how mums who put their kids in daycare before three are putting them at risk of a smorgasbord of lifelong failures. 

Let that sink in for a moment… THREE!

While I agree that a Mother’s role in the life of a child, especially in the early years, is paramount, I think she’s approaching this statement with a lot of privilege. 

Whether a mum wants or needs to go to work is her choice, and having this woman shaming mums for trying to live in the 21st century is just wrong. 

I understand she’s coming at it from a scientific perspective, however the fact there’s an algorithm that has taken my age, gender and parental status and pigeonholed me into a category filled with women who make their slice bread from scratch when their kid wants a sandwich or horror stories from daycare seems so wrong.

RELATED: Mum used to give us Coke in bottles when we were sick

Becoming a mum has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done but that doesn't mean that's all I'll ever be.

The theory behind ‘mum guilt’

Psychology Today offered a unique and refreshing perspective that explained the current predicament modern women feel.

“Although our culturally conditioned idea of who we should be no longer fits into modern life, in which women work outside the home, our idea of the perfect [mum] remains unchanged.”

“Despite our image of perfection frequently conflicting with our own well-being, we continue to shame and blame ourselves for not being who we imagine we should be.”

And this one really rammed it home, “Mum guilt is built on an idea of who we should be—not who we are.”

One more time for the people up the back!

RELATED: ‘I’m going out on Friday night and I feel guilty’

Being a mum is just one part of me and I should remember that.

Kicking mum guilt to the curb

They went on to give a few handy tips for shooing our inner mum guilt, which we’ve summarised below.

Breaking free from mum guilt begins with becoming aware of your inner voice of guilt, noticing when you're "should-ing" yourself and feeling shame for not living up to unrealistic ideals of motherhood. 

Recognise the thoughts that make you feel inadequate and the inner criticism that berates you for not being someone you're not.

Consider your well-being and step out of the mum guilt narrative. Instead of focusing on who you think you should be, consider who you want to be in the present moment. 

Acknowledge that your wants and needs matter too, not just your children's.

Stay present in the moment. Mum guilt pulls you away from being fully present with your children, so when you catch yourself falling into it, redirect your focus. 

Challenge your inner critic and focus on what makes you a good mum rather than dwelling on perceived shortcomings.

Practice self-compassion and prioritise your well-being alongside your children's. By being kinder to yourself and acknowledging your own needs, you'll model healthy behaviour for your children and allow them to see the real you, not an idealised, stressed version.

Mum your own way

If you want to stay home and care for your kids until they start school, you have my support (not that you need it!).

If you want to work and put your kids in daycare, kudos to you!

As I write this, it’s just as much a reminder to me to remember all the sayings: put your mask on first before helping others, or you can’t pour from an empty glass or any of those other mantras you come across on a Pinterest mug.

If we’re taking care of ourselves, our kids will see they have a happy and healthy mum, and what’s better than that?

Originally published as Shaming mums for trying to live in the 21st century is just wrong'