Please save my bedsheets on Mother's Day and give me this instead

"My first activity will involve cleaning up my own bed (and regretting I'd agreed to stay there)."

Every mum knows that on Mother's Day, they will most likely be gifted something they absolutely, 100 percent, do not want. 

(This yarn is a bit tongue in cheek - we love our kids and their pasta necklaces - I just thought we could do with a giggle.)

But society has told our kids (and partners) that mums do want these things.

For example, a glance at the sensory overload that is the supermarket aisle spruiking gifts for mum: candles, slippers, photo frames, mugs, all in pink and glitter.

Ads will show you breakfast in bed, a day at the beach, a backyard picnic.

And while most of us are grateful to be acknowledged... deep down inside, we really loathe some of these things.

Because truthfully, we all want to avoid looking like this at the end of the day...

Is...it...over...yet? Image: Nama Winston

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Please, spare us on Mother's Day

Lest you think this is just a rant from me, I've also polled mum-friends, the Kidspot team, and my family about Mother's Day gifts, and this is the consensus:

Breakfast in bed sucks

From toast, to croissants, to soggy scrambled eggs: it will be cold and/or burned. Sh*t will be spilled before it even arrives at my bedside. It will be messy to eat. It will end up more in my sheets than in my mouth.

Which means my first activity for Mother's Day will involve cleaning my own bed (and regretting I'd agreed to stay there).

A sleep in never works out

Listening to your partner hissing to the kids, "It's Mother's Day,  mum's sleeping in, you can dump the LEGO box out when she gets up" is not even remotely an relaxing experience.

How about, leave the house with the kids to get me a real coffee? That's more like it.

Pasta craft 

Look, it's sweet and all, but it's also a brutal gift, and seriously uncomfortable to wear.

"Mum, here's a crap load of carbs that you can't eat because: glue and paint." No, thanks.

A bowl of the real stuff loaded with cheese would go down much better.

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Spa vouchers always expire

Chances are, a joint bank account has been used to purchase this, so I've essentially paid for this myself.

Which is fine, except that I will need to organise child-minding, book ahead, and if the stars align and no one is sick, I can actually go.

So I might as well organise this myself, and not constantly have you reminding me to use the voucher "otherwise it's money down the drain."

IOU vouchers for cleaning

Firstly, it's your home, too. Chores are an expectation, not a bloody gift to me.

A picnic/day at the beach

Unless you've spent $3k to organise someone to make the food, and clean the car/the kitchen/the shower at the end of the day, this ain't no gift for me.

Sorry, but on Mother's Day, "making memories" for four to six hours simply isn't worth the effort.

It's making work, that's what it is.

Gym membership

Only if you've also hired a maid to do all my work at home, and a temp for my job.

UNO!! My no face vs my yes face when it comes to gifts. Image: Nama Winston

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This is what all mums want

So what do mums really want?

Of course, for every mum it will be different, but generally it involves getting to choose - because that's not something mums get a lot of. Even if the choice is nothing.

For me, one of my favourite things to do is play UNO. (That is how cool I am, my friends.) 

But because I never, ever, ever let anyone win, (including my son) no one will play with me.

So I've negotiated it as a gift on Mother's Day. Five simple games of UNO. That's all. As you can see in the above photo, I LOVE it (as much as my kid does - not).

It's a tradition that will be even better when he has a job and we can play for money, in years to come. 

But for now; to choose to do something that I really enjoy and rarely get to do, with my son, is the greatest gift for me on Mother's Day. That, with a hug while he says, "Love yas bruh" (he'll be 18 three days later) is all I want.

Originally published as Please save my bedsheets on Mother's Day and give me this instead