My sister said my parenting advice was belittling because I didn’t give birth

“She said I couldn't truly empathise with her or give her valuable tips since she had been pregnant and I hadn't,” the dad said. 

It’s been Joe* and his husband *Lucas’ dream to have kids ever since they were married. 

Once discovering the surrogacy process, they put all their time, money and effort into finding the perfect person to carry their baby. 

Joe’s sister, Gina*, has also been desperate for a baby. So they were over the moon when they both discovered they would be expecting a baby within the same time frame. 

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Joe and his husband Lucas have been raising an "easy baby." Source: iStock

“I told her if I could raise a baby, so could she”

Joe’s baby was born two months before Gina’s, leaving Joe with a headstart in parenting duties. 

And it wasn’t just the due dates that were close to each other, Joe told Reddit. 

“My situation and my sister's closely mirror each other,” he said. Both Joe and Gina’s husbands work full time with a “30 to 45-minute commute.” 

Living in the US, Gina is a stay-at-home mum, and Joe freelances from his home office, leaving both of them to take care of their babies for the majority of the time. 

“For the first two weeks after our son was born (the first of which my husband took off of work), we would both take partial night shifts,” Joe explained. “Once I felt like I had at least some of my bearings on parenthood, I offered to take over completely on weeknights while he does mornings before work and weekends.”

The “collaborative process” and the parenting style the two men developed “just made sense” to Joe, and as the months passed, the process became easier, with their baby’s sleep schedule becoming “a perfect science” before “exiting the newborn stage.”  

“At four months, we no longer have this obstacle anymore,” Joe said. “...I think we got it down to almost the perfect science before we exited the newborn stage.” 

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But for Joe’s sister, Gina, this isn’t the case. The 31-year-old was struggling since the birth of her baby, a “recurring problem for her from the beginning.” 

Gina is afraid of falling asleep with the baby in her arms, and her husband won’t assist her with the night feeds. 

“I tried to give her tips since I've been through it,” Joe said. “I suggested she let her partner take over in the evenings so she can go to bed early and catch a few more hours, nap when baby naps, etc.” 

But that didn’t work for Gina, who said she just wanted her husband to lift his game and take on some of the night feedings. 

For Joe, that was unreasonable. “I reminded her that her husband is the one commuting in the mornings, and falling asleep while driving was a very real possibility,” he said. 

Then he told her that if he could survive being a parent during the newborn stage, so could she. 

“I then offered to watch her daughter for a few days so she could catch up on sleep,” Joe said, to which his sister took “major offence.” 

“She said I was belittling her experience and acting like I was a better parent,” Joe wrote. “She said I couldn't truly empathise with her or give her valuable tips since she had been pregnant and I hadn't, and that me offering to watch my niece just felt like me saying she needed help raising her own daughter.” 

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“Other mums won’t put up with you being so disrespectful about things…”

If Joe wanted people on his side, Reddit may not have been the place to go. Online, critics sided with Gina, arguing Joe had no right to tell his sister what to do.

“Your sister wants her child's father to do his fair share of raising their child. She is hardly unreasonable for that,” someone wrote. “You need to nip your sh***y judgemental attitude in the bud before you find yourself with no friends at all. Other mothers will not put up with you being so disrespectful about things that are literally none or your business.”

Others argued Joe was blessed with an “easy baby”, making his advice unrealistic for his sister. “He talked about the newborn stage being over at four months like a switch went off and suddenly there’s nothing to do at night,” a baffled person wrote. 

What most took issue with was Joe’s dismissive nature toward his sister, who was still recovering from pregnancy. 

“He didn't even pause to consider how massively postpartum changes her experience!” read a comment. 

“It's not just pregnancy recovery, depending on how bad the birth was she could still have injuries repairing and difficulty sleeping from pain, pain from breastfeeding, pain from pumping,” another added. 

“Him comparing his non-postpartum life to his sister who gave birth and still recovering is infuriating,” added another. “Birthing a child is not a one-and-done event where the body and mind just bounces back immediately.” 

“It’s like babies grow on trees or something,” a person joked. 

*Names have been changed.

Originally published as My sister said my parenting advice was belittling because I didn’t give birth