My kids and I all have different surnames: I don't see the problem

"I'm not going to change names just because you think it looks like we're not a family," Melbourne mum of two, Bianca, tells Kidspot.

You’d think in a country where almost a third of marriages end in divorce, where couples are choosing not to marry, or even when they do, don't always share a surname, that the notion of a parent not having the same name as their child wouldn’t be viewed as something to make a fuss about.

You’d also think that in 2024, how we view family wouldn’t be similar to something we saw in a 1950s television show- a married mother and father and two happy kids.

But both of those assumptions would be wrong. Well, at least in my experience.

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"Don't you want to match at least one of your kids?

I have two amazing children and each of them has a different father. I was married when I had my first baby, *Eli, and he shares the surname that my ex-husband has and that I had until he was one. Once our marriage broke down and we divorced I legally changed my surname back to my maiden name.

Three years later, my current partner and I welcomed our daughter, *Ava and she shares her father’s surname, a decision we discussed and happily decided upon together. This means my surname is different from both of my kids and apparently, to an acquaintance of mine, it's a justifiable reason to make judgements about me and my family.

It all went down at a social event at a mutual friend’s home. As we sipped on wine and enjoyed the summer day, guests mingled as they tend to and I ended up in a conversation with a woman whom I knew about but whom I hadn’t spoken to before - I will call her *Mary.

The conversation began innocently enough with the usual get to know you questions about work and family and how we knew the host. But as I divulged more information, specifically the names of my kids when discussing how we both chose our children’s names, it turned into something else.

At first, when I explained that my kids and I all had different surnames, Mary seemed completely confused, as if what I was telling her was the most complex thing she had ever heard. She stared at me with wide eyes and didn’t respond straight away as if processing this information, trying to make sense of it.

Eventually, she spoke, shooting off a series of comments and questions.

"Oh, right. That must get confusing," she said. "Why don’t you just change your surname to match at least one of your children?"

"Wouldn't you want them to have the same surname as you and as each other?" she continued.“Don’t people get confused? Do they think you're not all from the same family?"

Image: iStock

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"A family is more than a surname"

To be honest, Mary’s response isn’t an isolated event.

I have had other people say similar things to me before or when filling in forms or documents at school or the doctors. I have received raised eyebrows, blank looks, been at the receiving end of stares as if my kids and I are being compared to one another for similarities. 

I have heard judgements about other people in similar situations to me being shamed for this, with nasty comments disparaging (usually the mother) about having more than one father to her kids.

But for me, it was the first time at a social event like this, with someone I hadn’t even met in person had deemed it acceptable to ask me these questions and directly comment on my situation.

And it was the way she asked it, it was as if it was somehow irresponsible or selfish for me to choose this, that my children would somehow be harmed long term by not sharing a surname; or the same father, it was undoubtedly judgmental.

Immediately upon hearing Mary’s comments and questions, I felt defensive and in retrospect may have acted this way in response, telling Mary that no, I didn’t think I needed to change my kids’ names, that our different surnames don’t mean we aren’t a family, that family is much more than that.

After this, I made an excuse to leave the conversation and from now on, if I know Mary will be at the same social event, I will also be making an excuse for that too.

Originally published as My kids and I all have different surnames: I don't see the problem