'It's rude to ask about the 7 year age gap between my kids'

“Was the age gap by choice? Or for financial reasons? Did we struggle with fertility? If you're not comfortable with my answer, then maybe don't ask the question.”

Laura Jackel

3 min read

June 13, 2024 - 5:18PM

Woman says a four year age gap is the sweet spot between kid

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For six and half years I was a parent to an ‘only child’, a term so loaded with societal judgement that I shuddered every time someone chose to use it in conversation.

A few months before my eldest son’s seventh birthday, our second baby boy was born.

We had a rocky journey and his long awaited arrival came after multiple miscarriages.

I have always been an open book and back then, with a tiny baby in a sling and a seven year old primary schooler at my side, people asked me questions about this very obvious age gap.

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My boys. Image: Supplied.

"And yet the questions continue"

As my baby grew and joined my eldest at school, their very obvious physical gap seemed to close. They played together and fought together and we enjoyed family chats, dinners and holidays together just like any other family of four.

Yet as the years go past, the inquisitive questions about my boys’ age gap continue to come.

While people mostly seem to ask from a place of pure curiosity, it's actually quite a personal and when you think about it - rude question. I wonder if strangers are really considering what they are asking me when they enquire about why my boys have a big gap?

Was it because I had a new partner? Was there something wrong with me? Did we not have enough money etc.

Especially when you consider that families in 2024 can look very diverse and complex in ways much more so than ours.

According to a recent article in The Atlantic, age gaps between kids have been growing for years. “From 1967 to 2017, the average time between sibling births increased by about three-quarters of a year,” writes Michael Waters.

“According to data from a study published in 2020. Siblings are now, on average, 4.2 years apart.”

The study shows there are lots of reasons for this widening age gap and while mine were to do with pregnancy loss and other health related issues, other reasons for bigger age gaps include financial issues or relationship breakdowns.

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"I'm tired of the awkward questions"

None of these highly personal topics seem like the sorts of light hearted chats you want to get into with a random woman at the supermarket, so it begs the question, why do people continue to ask after so many years?

I don’t mind friends asking of course, or the odd exclamation of ‘oh that’s a big gap’, as an observation. But I believe the people who then go on to ask more probing questions about the gap, might not have much insight into fertility issues or difficulties with conception or pregnancy.

For those of us with larger age gaps or single children, there is some good news to counterbalance this uncomfortable and ongoing line of questioning.

In the same Atlantic article, the author describes how, “a 2012 study found that test scores improved for the older sibling - the larger the gap until the next child.”

And even better than academic success, Michael writes that, “children with many years between them are less likely to have intense rivalries and more likely to listen to each other."

Winning!

But different research shows that kids who have a sibling more than three years older or younger, were less likely to share a cupcake with a close friend than children who had one closer in age.

"An age gap is not a choice"

I guess they can’t be perfect? I think it also pays to remember that an age gap - however long- is not always about choice.

While my boy’s academic success or ability to listen to one another is probably up for debate, the two of them do love each other and get along as well as any other siblings I see around me.

There have been many benefits to me personally as I had time to enjoy both of their baby and toddler phases in ways some of my friends with multiple kids closer in age did not.

Yes my boys still fight - we didn’t avoid sibling rivalry it seems – but their age difference has also been very useful.

The eldest has taught my youngest some great sporting techniques and the youngest with all his stuffed animals, playful imagination and cuddles has enabled my teenager to embrace his inner child for longer.

Ultimately, I did not choose their age gap, but it is what it is, and right now the hardest issue we have as a family is working out what to watch on TV.

I wouldn’t change either of them for the whole world so in my opinion they must have come along exactly when they were supposed to - and their age gap is perfect.