'It’s not that men don’t care, they forget. Mums are wired differently'

“Most often our response is to get angry and ask, ‘how could you forget it’s bin night?’ - rather, go over, tap him on the shoulder and just say ‘bin night babe’ - immediately they leap up, because you’ve reminded them. We need to recognise that they can, it’s not intentional.”

Maggie Dent, parenting expert and mother of four boys tells Kidspot that men can’t handle women’s mental load.

But it’s not because they don’t want to, it's because they can’t.

Stop any mother or woman on the street and ask them what tabs they have open in their brain, it’s endless. And if you ask them what’s on their male partner's list, more often than not, there’s very little. The juggle and struggle to keep everyone and everything in the house afloat continues to fall on the woman's shoulders.

When we try to offload to our partners - the ultimately will fall down. Because the constant and ever growing ‘to-do list’ making is part of our wiring as women. 

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“Females are wired very differently biologically, as well as cognitively. We are wired to be the ones with the to do lists, and we don’t forget,” Maggie, who is lovingly referred to Australia's 'queen of common sense', explains. 

“Female memories are so much more efficient, our organisation skills are more efficient."

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Parenting and resilience specialist Maggie Dent explains women are wired differently to men. Photo: iStock

It’s not that men don’t care, they forget. 

Maggie points out that in the Bluey episode, The Pool, where Bandit forgets the important things for swimming, “he doesn’t love his girls any less, he just forgets,” she says. 

“Men are very single focused,” the Parental As Anything author adds.

If you have ever wondered how your husband or partner could forget bin night, you are not alone. Maggie often tells this story in her talks and podcasts, and thankfully she has a great solution to avoid any bickering before bed. 

“Quite often a well-meaning, loving dad will forget it’s bin night. A female doesn’t matter how tired she is, wondering how can he forget, it’s only the same night every week?

“And women think he’s doing it to get a rise out of us, but he’s not. His focus is pulled in another direction. If he’s mulling over something at work, doing his footy tipping, scratching an itch, any one of those things means he has temporarily let that slip. Because he can only do one thing. 

“Most often our response is to get angry and ask, ‘how could you forget it’s bin night?’ - rather, go over, tap him on the shoulder (lovingly) and just say ‘bin night babe’ - immediately they leap up, because you’ve reminded them. We need recognise that they can, it’s not intentional.” 

She advises: “With a gentle reminder they will and we’re all a bit happier.”

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Maggie Dent is launching a new podcast, The Good Enough Dad. Source: Maggie Dent

Hand over the cards, one at a time

This constant weight of the mental load, as we know, plays into our sleep. That’s why when a woman's head hits the pillow at night, she’s up for almost two hours, while her partner crashes out after 30 seconds. 

“Only females do that, why? Because they constantly want to improve, to be a better mother, better partner, and better human, that doesn’t happen for a dad, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love them any less than any woman who does that,” Maggie shares. 

The educator admits that when it comes to the mental load we (women) are our own worst enemy because “we put too much on it!” 

“We hold all the cards, instead of handing the cards over," she says. 

Fathers openly admit to Maggie Dent they want to be helpful and work together as a team with their partner. Photo: iStock

Maggie, who admits to being “part bloke,” encourages mothers to give simple and clear instructions to partners.

“What most men are, are incredibly pragmatic humans. They don’t want to know all the science, what they want to know is, ‘what can I do’, ‘what can I change’, ‘what can I say'.

“That’s what you need to do. And they do it, because they have the instruction and they follow it.”

Fathers openly admit to Maggie they want to be helpful and work together as a team with their partner, but women have to share the list, not keep the cards to themselves. 

“When we work as a team and share the list, we make men feel more efficient and confident. You give them what they want, you're happy, that’s part of the team.”

Maggie has a soft-spot for dads 

For the majority of her childhood, Maggie Dent lived with her father. 

“I think I have a lot of capacity for dads, because I spent half of my childhood living with my dad, because I didn’t like my mum. She was not a warm mum, not maternal. My dad was my safe base.”

While Maggie admits he never verbally told her that he loved her, she knew. 

“One day we were driving around the farm in the ute, checking on the sheep. He stopped the car, looked at me and listened while I crapped on for another 3 minutes. And that was the moment I knew he really loved me. Because he gave me 100% of his attention and connection.”

Maggie has seen a change in fatherhood since first stepping into the parenting space, decades ago. The father model “who worked all the time and was never there. And never told them they loved them,” is fading away, Maggie shares. 

And that’s why Maggie is adding a new podcast to her repertoire, LiSTNR original The Good Enough Dad. She sits down with some of Australia’s most well known dads to talk about fatherhood, the good times and the muck-ups.

Originally published as 'It’s not that men don’t care, they forget. Mums are wired differently'