I’m planning to buy my teenage daughter a vibrator

"Before you hit the comments and prepare to crucify me, hear me out," the Aussie mum writes.

I’m planning to buy my teenage daughter a vibrator. Before you hit the comments and prepare to crucify me, hear me out.

Growing up, my mother always talked about masturbation as something that was shameful and unnatural – not something that good girls did.

When I started dating my first boyfriend, I was extremely naive about sex and didn’t really understand my own body or what felt pleasurable to me.

The first time we had sex, I asked him to stop because it hurt. He pressured me and made me feel prudish for backing out midway. I ended up giving in and continuing, even though I didn’t enjoy it.

When my mother found out I was sexually active, she called me a “dirty girl”.

Looking back, I think that if I had been empowered to explore and understand my own body, I might have been in a better position to assert myself during that first sexual encounter.

I might also have had a more open relationship with my mother.

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An expert gave her 13-year-old a vibrator

I recently watched a TED Talk about this very subject, and within the space of 11 minutes, 43 seconds, it completely informed my perspective.

In the talk, cognitive-behavioural coach Robin Buckley dives into her reasoning behind why she gave her daughter a vibrator when she was 13. What she says really resonated with me.

Dr Buckley explains that it wasn’t something she planned on doing: "I knew eventually my daughters would need bras and tampons, maybe braces. But a vibrator was not on the list."

What Dr Buckley has to say about sex is confronting, and I’ll admit, a wave of nausea did come over me as I listened.

Image: iStock

"They have to touch to know their bodies"

According to her, girls typically develop a desire for sexual contact between the ages of 11 and 14. Between the ages of 15 and 19, 42% of them have had vaginal and/or oral sex.

At the same time, 57% of girls and 84% of boys between the ages of 14 and 18 have watched pornography. “This means that a lot of our kids are getting their sex education and trying to figure out what’s normal from pornography,” Dr Buckley says.

Dr Buckley shares one story to highlight why we can’t leave kids alone to navigate this sexual terrain. While she was working with a 14-year-old to help her manage her life stressors, the girl asked her to clarify whether anal sex was second base.

“She had gotten her information from watching a few porn clips her friends had showed her,” says Dr Buckley. “Thankfully, because of the trusting relationship she had with me, she was able to have this misconception corrected and her anxiety about it relieved.”

Dr Buckley says when her 13-year-old daughter told her she had started to masturbate and what she was using to do so, she decided to buy her a vibrator.

“I wanted to support her in the safe exploration of her body,” she says. “Girls becoming familiar with their bodies is about health. Masturbation helps girls reduce stress, ease headaches and alleviate cramps associated with their periods.

“They have to touch their bodies to know their bodies.”

"This is what I want as a mum for my girls"

Listening to her talk, I’m taken back to my own sexual awakening and what that was like.

Now, as a mother to two daughters myself, that’s what I want for them. I want them to be able to come to me with questions, without fear or shame. To have an open, honest, loving relationship where they feel completely supported and loved unconditionally.

Incidentally, my older sister ended up giving me my first ever vibrator in my early 20s, and it changed my perception of pleasure.

So, if my teenage daughter has questions about masturbation, I’ll explain to her that it’s a completely natural, normal part of life. And if she happens to ask me to buy her a vibrator, I’ll be off to Sexyland in a jiffy.

Originally published as I’m planning to buy my teenage daughter a vibrator