I was shamed by a nurse for doing 'everything wrong’ when I had my baby

"It felt like she was trying to find things to tell me off about," the mum of two exclusively tells Kidspot.

My second baby is now six months old, a little girl called Charlotte. Being a mum of two under three is difficult but I am loving it and to be honest, things are running more smoothly than they did during the first year of baby number one.

This assessment has nothing to do with the personalities of either baby but instead my own approach, especially in one area; my relationship with our Maternal Health Care nurse.

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"I could see the disapproval on her face"

My family and I live in a smaller regional city where there are only two available nurses to visit for those frequent appointments in the first few months. Despite my request for an alternative nurse, with both children, I have been allocated the same one, a middle-aged woman who has been in this same position for over two decades, a woman whom I will call Julia.

When I first saw Julia with my eldest, it was a home visit. At the time, I was relatively confident in my mothering abilities and hadn’t had any major issues with sleep or breastfeeding, so I was quite myself and my baby was happy.

Prior to the appointment, I had thought the visit would reinforce all of that and although it was a new experience for me, I wasn’t nervous about it at all.

When Julia visited though, I quickly realised things weren’t going to run as smoothly as I’d anticipated. In fact, I felt shamed as a mother.

Firstly, Julia asked to see where the baby slept. When I showed Julia her cot in the nursery, I could see the disapproval on her face. I was then told that this wasn’t the safest of options and that we should move her cot into our bedroom for at least the next six months but up to a year to best prevent SIDS.

After this when she was going through other questions, she saw our cat sleeping on the couch and started asking about him. How active was he? Is he used to children? Does he get onto the beds? Does he go into the nursery? She then told me that cats could be a danger to babies and kids in a whole host of ways and said, in a very serious tone, that we should be more careful.

While both areas of her criticism were both arguably valid, it seemed like she was trying to find things that were wrong and then when she did, criticise me in a very judgmental tone, rather than try to provide support to me and actually help.

Image: iStock

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Was I a bad mother?

When Julia left our house, I was a changed person. I called my partner straight away and told him what the nurse had said. I started to worry about our set-up, about our cat whom we had had for over a decade and wondering whether I was putting my baby at risk.

My partner tried to reassure me and said that having cats and babies is nothing out of the ordinary and neither is how we have set up our sleeping arrangements. But as much as I tried to believe what he said and what my instincts were, I kept hearing Julia’s voice in my head.

For the second appointment, the first at the MCHN office, I was apprehensive and really didn’t want to go.

"Seeing her impacted my confidence"

This visit concentrated on the feeding aspect, something at which I had thought I was thriving. Yet despite the fact that our baby was content, slept well, latched on easily, seemed to be drinking effectively and was still putting on weight, during the visit after our baby was weighed and measured, Julia said our baby should have put on more weight than she had and said that perhaps I wasn’t producing enough milk.

I was then told to start pumping in between visits and trying to increase the frequency of feeds, even waking her if need be.

Over the next few appointments not only was this issue brought up again but so were a plethora of other problems from a small bald patch on the baby’s head which indicated too much back sleeping, through to eventually when she was older still using a bottle, which, according to Julia, should have been given up by then.

The experience with Julia was absolutely anxiety-inducing and seeing her impacted my confidence, I dreaded attending the appointments and in hindsight, I can see that they resulted in me believing there were problems that weren't even there.

What was beneficial though is teaching me what to do and what not to do with Charlotte. Although I am still attending the MCH appointments as required, I know to trust in myself and my own capabilities as well.

Originally published as I was shamed by a nurse for doing 'everything wrong’ when I had my baby