‘I want to call off my wedding because my fiance refuses to get a vasectomy’

“Why must I make all the bloody sacrifices and major changes for our family unit? Hasn't my body been through enough?” Amelia asks. 

Pregnancy wasn’t easy for 27-year-old Amelia*, who suffered several medical complications before giving birth. 

It hasn’t been long since welcoming her child, but she struggles each day with crippling side effects and was recently informed by her doctor that she’s at risk of developing serious illnesses if she has another baby. 

She and her fiance, Simon*, agreed they wouldn’t put her body through another traumatic pregnancy, ultimately deciding they were more than happy with their only child. 

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Simon is reconsidering going through with the vasectomy. Source: iStock

“I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy”

As any young family understands, Amelia and Simon frequently get “pressed” about having another baby. 

But when asked this question, Simon “always calmly responds with ‘we won't be,’” she shared with Mumsnet. “...it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.”

To ensure she doesn’t fall pregnant again, the British couple discussed Simon possibly undergoing a vasectomy. 

While Amelia could get her tubes tied, she said the other option was better, as it’s “more accessible and easier for him to do.” 

He seemed on board when she pitched the idea and said “he would start looking into it.” But it’s been a while since their discussion, and Amelia said she's heard “nothing” about the topic since. 

“As a consequence, I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy,” she wrote, admitting she can use contraceptives, but “we all know that isn't full proof.”

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One evening, as the couple discussed their upcoming wedding, Amelia circled the subject back to the possible vasectomy. Simon “quickly” responded, “But it's so permanent.”

“Now I'm so confused,” Amelia wrote. She thought she and her fiance were on the same page with their future, but now it looked like he was reconsidering. 

“Yes, we are still quite young fertility-wise, but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want,” she explained. “And pregnancy on my body is definitely something I can’t and won’t have again.” 

“Why must I make all the bloody sacrifices and major changes for our family unit? Hasn't my body been through enough?” 

Immediately, she wondered why he would backtrack this decision.

Was he having second thoughts? Does he want to “keep his options open” and plan on leaving Amelia for “another woman” in the future? 

“If that is the case, who does he have in mind because it won't be me?” she wrote. “I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman.” 

She was so concerned about Simon's sudden change of heart that she started having one of her own. 

“Is this the end of our five-year relationship?” she asked. 

“Do I call off the marriage? I don't want to commit myself [to] a relationship that is doomed to fail because he is unsure now.”

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“If you don't want kids, you get sterilised, not your partner”

If Amelia thought everyone would be on her side, she was sorely mistaken. 

“I'm usually all for men having [a] vasectomy, but 27 with one child is very young,” a woman wrote. “Hugely!" Another agreed. “It's a big decision; it's his decision, and he's still very young to make such a permanent end to his fertility.”

“My friend had the snip because his fiancee didn't want any more kids. He was 27,” a woman commented. “She left him three years later. So there is him at 30; she went on to have more kids with her new partner, but he couldn't.”

“If you don't want kids, you get sterilised, not your partner.” 

Others tried to reason with Amelia, asking to see things from his perspective. 

“You can't dictate what you want your partner to do to his body,” someone cautioned. “Imagine if this was a man forcing a woman to get sterilised!”

“Bodily autonomy is an important principle, even when you don't like what it means in an individual case,” said another. “You can call off your wedding for any reason you like. But if your aim is to somehow guilt him into life-changing surgery that he does not want, then you are acting despicably.” 

“He needs to have the freedom of his own decisions, and you also need to stop this,” read a comment.

“You’re on contraception, so you’re protected, and you’re now withholding sex. I think If you’re that serious, you go through the medical procedure and leave him well alone.”

“If he isn't certain on it, he shouldn't do it,” a mum added. 

*Names have been changed

Originally published as ‘I want to call off my wedding because my fiance refuses to get a vasectomy’