‘I told my best friend about my pregnancy - her response made me feel sick’

“I know she probably meant this to be comforting, but it wasn’t at all,” Jess said. Warning: This article contains sensitive topics.

Warning: This article contains topics that some readers may find distressing

Jess* and her husband knew they were ready for the next steps in their lives together; after trying for a short while, they recently learned they were expecting. 

As excited as she was, she knew her close friend Harper*, who is getting married in the next few months, would take the news in an unusual way. 

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Jess was horrified by her friend's incessant comments. Picture: iStock

“Don’t worry, one in three pregnancies don’t end up in a baby”

Because Jess is intended to be a bridesmaid at Harper’s wedding, she wanted to inform her friend of the pregnancy immediately to avoid any conflicts. 

But Jess had a feeling they’d be coming regardless. 

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“I knew my friend is quite competitive and can see big relationships and life events as a race, even between friends,” she told Netmums. 

“I don’t know why she sees things that way, but she showed signs of jealousy when my other friend got married and had a child well before the rest of our friendship group were settled with partners.”

In the lead-up to Harper’s wedding, the bridesmaids organised a hen’s party, renting a place to stay for the weekend, complete with plenty of booze and a hot tub. 

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“I phoned her the week before to let her know I was pregnant because I reckoned it would be pretty obvious when I couldn’t use the hot tub or drink alcohol,’ Jess explained. 

While she explained she hadn’t had her scan yet, she “explained the reasons I felt I should tell her early”. 

In response, Harper, who is a paediatrician, said: “Don’t worry, one in three pregnancies don’t end up in a baby, and that’s OK.” 

Understandably, Jess was “taken aback” by her friend’s comments. 

“She responded to my concern that I was telling her quite early by conjuring up the spectre of miscarriage,” Jess explained. “I know she probably meant this to be comforting but it wasn’t at all.” 

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The comments kept coming

She tried her best to ignore what Harper said and focussed on making sure the bride had a “great time” at her hen’s. 

“Sadly, throughout the weekend, she continued to talk generally about very sick babies and dead babies, as well as specifically about me miscarrying,” Jess wrote. 

Throughout the weekend, the topic of pregnancy and hot baths came up. “My other friend, who has a child, agreed that you can’t even have a really hot bath when you’re pregnant,” Jess said, deflated because she “loves a bath”. 

“I said I had had a bath with salts a few weeks ago, then read afterwards you shouldn’t do that when pregnant,’ she continued. Harper, in return, told the expecting mother that she shouldn’t worry; “if your baby is dead, it won’t be because of bath salts”. 

Jess was sickened by the comment, but that was just the beginning. “She said loads of other comments like that just consistently throughout the weekend,” Jess wrote. But Harper wouldn’t let go of the miscarriage topic. “Oh, I’m always so stressed for my friends until they’re at least 28 weeks,” she tried to justify to her friend. 

Jess was scheduled to have her first scan the day after the hen’s party, and these comments weren’t doing much to quell her nerves. 

Despite trying “to keep things positive”, Harper just “didn’t seem to pick up” on her friend’s cues. “I’ve had a cautious but really positive attitude about my pregnancy,” Jess confessed. “And this has made me feel so anxious and sad that my friend would want me to feel badly.” 

She then confronted Harper about the situation, sharing her disdain for the anxiety-inducing comments and asking for “some space”. In response, the bride-to-be said, “she was sorry that I felt hurt, and she valued our friendship”. 

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Online, other mums shared their sympathies with Jess and argued she was completely valid in her feelings towards her friend. 

“Your response doesn’t sound unreasonable at all,” a woman wrote. 

“It’s understandable that these comments about miscarriage were very upsetting, and you wanted to be transparent with your friend about needing some space.”

Another woman tried to see things from Harper’s point of view, especially as a paediatrician. 

“It could be her way of telling you that if anything were to happen, it wouldn’t be your fault,” a person said. 

*Names have been changed

Originally published as ‘I told my best friend about my pregnancy - her response made me feel sick’