I need to stop saying this one thing about my parenting

"It's on repeat in my head - and it's horrible."

During our recent summer holiday in Sydney, where I grew up, I chatted about motherhood with old friends I hadn’t seen in years.

But I kept hearing myself say this one thing: “I don’t think I’m a very good Mum.”

I was trying to be real about my feelings, but after a while, I started to wonder - how helpful is that kind of talk, anyway?

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"I’m not good at parenting"

I mean, let’s face it, does anyone actually walk around saying, “I’m a really great parent”?

If they do, I seriously need to ask them for advice. 

But it made me wonder how I measure ‘good’ parenting.

Whenever I face a new challenge, such as toilet training or tantrums, I find myself thinking the same thing: I’m not good at parenting.

I really don't feel I am. I'm so hard on myself.

But then, when you think about it, what does ‘not being good’ at parenting even mean?

It’s such a sweeping generalisation.

Image: Cherie Gilmour

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Ditch the self-judgement

I wouldn’t say I’m ‘good’ at lifting weights at the gym.

Some days, I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger, lifting twenty kilos, like I’m picking up a baby duck.

But most of the time, I feel like the middle-aged mum who shouldn’t have had that glass (or two) of wine the night before, groaning over five kilo weights.

That's thanks to the voice in my head that also tells me I'm not good at parenting.

Here’s the thing: self-love principles should apply to all areas of your life, including parenting.

When I start spiralling into that ‘I’m a bad parent’ mindset, I now try to step back and look at myself like a friend.

Image: Cherie Gilmour

"Go easy on yourself"

What would I say to a friend who keeps beating themselves up about what a ‘terrible’ parent they are? 

I would say this: “Parenting is hard! There’s no manual, and by the time you’ve mastered one thing, your child moves on to the new stage, and you have to figure it out all over again.

"You will make mistakes. You’re running on caffeine fumes, interrupted sleep and limited brain real estate. You adore your kids to bits and want the best for them, even if you’re still learning what ‘best’ might look like.

"You are learning so much in such a short space of time, so go easy on yourself.”

I don’t think many people are motivated by negative self-talk.

If I go into the gym feeling like Arnie, I’ve got more chance of pushing through the discomfort, and perhaps the same could be said about parenting.

Negative self-talk makes all your efforts futile: “Why bother trying to learn how to be a better parent when I’ll probably stuff it up, anyway?”

Imagine you’re an Olympian dealing with crushing defeat: what would a coach say?

“Get back out there and try again. You’ve got this. What you’re feeling is normal, but the choice is yours whether you give up or try again.” 

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I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions anymore, but I feel this one tweak in my thinking could totally change my parenting game.

How about in 2025, we parent with kindness, not just for our kids, but for ourselves?

Labelling yourself a ‘bad parent’ is too easy.

Let’s ditch the judgment and remind ourselves that we are simply ‘parenting’, which contains every shade on the spectrum of life experience.

You've got this. 

Originally published as I need to stop saying this one thing about my parenting