'I felt guilty and embarrassed telling people I'm a SAHM'

"I was always justifying things, saying ‘I have had a business, and I have contributed to society. I’m educated, and this is my choice’."

Out of all the pieces of advice that other mums gave Nicky when she was pregnant with her first child, there was one that she took on board.

“Someone told me it would be hard to have 'two babies' - one being my business and the other one a newborn,” the Adelaide mum, who was 30 at the time, tells Kidspot. 

“I took that advice on, and sold my share of my business a month before my daughter was born. There was a lot of stress with it, but it was the best thing I could have done for my health, especially when the baby came."

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"My mum was a single, working mum"

For Nicky, who is now a parent to four children alongside husband, Brad, the decision was initially a difficult one for financial reasons.

“My mum was a single working mum - and she did an amazingly great job of it all, but I didn’t want that for myself,” she says.

“I really wanted to stay at home with my child and I didn’t see how I could be while operating the family business as it was so consuming. I knew I couldn’t do both things well. But all along, I was worried about how we would survive money-wise without it.”

With Brad working full time in marketing back then, Nicky had his full support. Despite that, it wasn’t an easy transition for Nicky, who struggled to adjust to her new role.

“I came from being a business owner to being a full-time mum, which I wanted more than anything, but when you’re doing it, it seems very mundane, and it took a while for me to only do the very simple things and slow down.”

Nicky with her four kids today. Image: supplied

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"I was embarrassed to say I'm a SAHM"

When she would interact with the world beyond her suburban home, Nicky admits to feeling “embarrassed” about being a stay–at-home-mum, rather than the nurse and business owner she once was.  

“I felt conscious within myself and had insecurities being a first-time mum,” the 41-year-old, who blogs about her life on Not So Stay At Home Mum, says.

“So many mums do both (working and child-rearing), and I was just being a mum. I felt embarrassed.

"I wanted people to know that I was capable of doing both, but I was choosing this.

"I felt like I was always justifying things, saying ‘I have had a business, and I am someone who has contributed to society financially. I’m educated and everything else, and this is my choice’. I felt like I had to justify it, even if it wasn’t put on me.

"I was even guilty of wondering what other mums I knew were doing apart from raising their babies. I had to say, ‘Oh yeah, that’s okay’ if they were doing the same thing as me.”  

Image: supplied

"What do you do for a living?"

Nicky remembers feeling the most vulnerable when justifying her choice to strangers and working mums.

“They wouldn’t know where I was coming from, so I would get asked what I did for a living, and if I was going back to work because I’d done all those years studying for a degree and I shouldn’t ‘waste’ it,” she remembers.

“That was also another pressure. I had been brought up in a hardworking family, so feeling the need to show that I wasn’t lazy was in my mind.

"A few mums made me feel guilty without intending to, saying, ‘I’d love to be a stay-at-home mum, but I have to work’, and Brad would reassure me that I shouldn’t feel guilty at all. He was brought up by a SAHM so he was very supportive from day dot - and has always said he would back me up if I wanted to work or study too.”

It has now been 11 years since Nicky became a SAHM to her children, Hannah, 11, Maddie, 7, Ari, 5, and Micah, 1.

She returned to work part-time for a year in her old business (now owned by her mother) in order to help finance some house renovations - which she and Brad did mostly themselves - and left when she was expecting her youngest child. 

It was then that she focused on how she could boost her household income without going to work, and chose to host international students for 18 months, which helped fund the long-term caravanning road trip around Australia the family are currently on.

“I’ve had thoughts (of doing things outside the home) but I never regretted not taking them on,” she says honestly.

“Instead, I chose to do things I could do while taking care of the kids, like upcycling furniture. It helped that I’d already done a degree, worked, and owned a business before, so those boxes were ticked.”

The cost of being a SAHM in 2024

While she feels lucky, especially in this cost-of-living crisis, to be a one-income household and now one that is travelling full time (while renting out her Adelaide home), Nicky says she and Brad have made deliberate choices over the years in order to be able to live this way.

“It’s a privilege to be in this position,” the mum-of-four, who is creating an online support community for SAHM’s to be launched next month, says.

“Over time, we have realised how many less things we need, and we’ve been more frugal with everything and living within our means. We don’t buy much new, and the kids don’t have a lot of toys. We see value in being together and having experiences. There’s a lot of sacrifice but it’s totally worth it. We are the happiest and more clear-minded we have ever been now.”

As for remaining a SAHM, Nicky is now not only proud of her role but would not have it any other way.

“I lost my identity when I had Hannah, and had to rebuild it through all the years of having kids, and now I feel really good about it and I love it,” she says happily.

“I haven’t missed anything. I’ve been able to do all the things I’ve wanted to do, like volunteering at school on committees and with activities that I wouldn't have been able to do with a lack of time and mental capacity if I had a job to juggle.

“I feel so good about seeing my kids grow up and what we've done together, and how positive it is for us all, and how connected I am with them. I feel like I can be my best self when I’m just focusing on them, and it’s only for such a short season, too. I think the kids have enjoyed having me home but doing this is more about me and what I want for them."

Originally published as 'I felt guilty and embarrassed telling people I'm a SAHM'