I chose the wrong man to have children with

"I thought how long we knew each other as a couple was enough. I was so wrong."

It would be nice to know what kind of parent your partner will be before you have kids; but for many, they don't see it until the kids are here... and it's not always what they envisaged.

This is the admission of one woman, who anonymously wrote in an online advice forum, "I chose the wrong partner to have children with."

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The woman writes:

"I haven’t said this to anyone out loud before, but I’m realizing that I simply picked the wrong person to create a family with. I had been with my husband for a decade before we had kids. I knew his personality, his history, etc. I thought our long-term relationship and how we knew each other as a couple was enough. I was so wrong.

"here’s just this toxic undertone to his entire existence as a parent. He claims I forced him in parenthood, particularly the second time around. And that he doesn’t want this life or doesn’t want to be a parent.

"I feel stupid. I should have seen this coming. He grew up without a father and his mother died when he was young. He has so much unresolved anger and trauma from his past that directly affect his attitude toward parenting."

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"I feel like I failed"

The woman continues:

"To his credit, he’s in therapy and doing what he can to work through these issues. But it’s just not enough.There is so little joy for him as a parent.

"He is lovely with our children day to day and our oldest adores him. But he can’t handle the hard side of parenting and I end up handling every single tantrum, bedtime battle, etc. He just gives up and walks away."

The mum concludes that her parents have been together happily for decades.

"I had a great example of what to look for and find in a partner and I feel like I failed. I want to believe it’ll get better when we get out of this phase of parenting little kids, but I don’t see how it will unless my husband changes his tune."

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"If he is sucking the joy out of your life, leave"

Many commenters in the thread urged the mum to take her time, but also be realistic.

"If I was in your shoes, I would make long term plans. Not rushed plans... give him a chance to do therapy for a while. But give him a deadline in your mind. If he is still miserable x years from now, it's time to move on," one advised.

The mum replied, "Yeah I think that’s fair. I’m trying to be patient and understanding in general, but I think what I’m realizing is that I can’t keep going like this indefinitely.

"Like sure it’s great that he’s 'doing the work' but when does it actually translate to a better attitude and overall acceptance / shift about his life and can I wait that long?"

Another person shared, "Been in your situation some 25 yrs ago. I knew my marriage was not gonna work, it obviously didn't. Looking back my son is fine. Divorce was the best thing. No regrets."

And this person related hard: "I feel the same way. He even told me 'you chose the wrong person.' I’m an optimist and always hoping things will improve despite continuously being proven wrong. When people tell you who they are, listen..."

Finally, this mum described her partner choice as 'the worst mistake'" "The title is how I'm feeling. I love the man I had kids with. Probably won't get over him for a long time.

"I love my baby. Having a kid with this man was the worst mistake of my life. I love my son, but I wish someone else was his dad."

Originally published as I chose the wrong man to have children with