'He hates me': Aussie mums share the pain of an ADHD child's meltdown

"If this is happening in your home, you are not alone, and you are not doing it wrong."

"He told me I should die, and he hopes I die. He said I should just kill myself," says mum-of-four Anne about her ADHD son. 

"He would scream at the top of his lungs so l couldn't speak at all. He also smashed my phone onto the ground five times."

These verbal tirades could be triggered by something as simple as Anne asking for help hanging out the washing. Her son - we'll call him Oliver* - was physically much taller than Anne and he'd get right up close and scream into her face.

She felt unsafe.

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"He tells everyone I kicked him out"

According to Anne, Oliver also constantly picked on his younger brother: "I had to get him to move out and in with his dad a few months ago. He actually doesn't think that it was him. After I made him move to his father's house, he tells everyone I kicked him out."

Despite appearances, extreme verbal abuse and threats by children with ADHD are not usually intentional cruelty. Instead, this behaviour may be a symptom of underlying difficulty with self-regulation, communication, or emotional distress.

One person who deals with this type of behaviour daily is US-based ADHD and Executive Function Specialist Michael McLeod. His job is to help kids - often via their parents - with skills such as self-regulation, emotional control, motivation, working memory, and flexible thinking.

As the kids get bigger, so can the ADHD meltdowns. Image: iStock

Michael explains that instances where ADHD kids verbally abuse their parents - such as in Anne's case - are "extremely common."

"It's one of the hardest issues for parents to talk about because it's painful and isolating," he says. "If this is happening in your home, you are not alone, and you are not doing it wrong. ADHD is a brain-based disorder, and these behaviours are symptoms.

"Many children with ADHD lash out at home verbally—not because they are 'bad' or ‘mean,' but because home is the only place where they feel safe enough to let it out.

"These kids often hold it together all day at school, where the expectations are clear, and the environment is more structured. At home, they drop the mask—and what comes out can be intense."

Michael wants parents to understand one key factor is causing this problem: "The ADHD brain is conflict-seeking and stimulation-hungry."

He says, "These kids are not intentionally cruel. They are chasing dopamine-the brain's feel-good chemical. And conflict, chaos, and power struggles provide a rush of stimulation that their brains crave. If yelling, arguing, or defying you gets a big emotional reaction, the behaviour is reinforced-even if it's negative.

"If screaming, pushing buttons, or verbally attacking gets a parent's full attention - especially if it interrupts the normal flow of the day - the child gets what their brain is wired to seek: intense, fast, emotional stimulation."

"He blames me, and never apologises"

Like so many parents of ADHD children who use verbal abuse against them, Anne questions herself: "I feel like a failure, my parenting is obviously terrible. He hates me so much. He blames me for every event and never ever apologises."

Michael McLeod totally understands Anne's despair. He says: "You're not overreacting. You're not weak. It does feel like emotional abuse because, in many cases, it is. But it's coming from a child who is emotionally underdeveloped—not intentionally abusive."

Michael urges parents to seek support for themselves: "You need your own outlet— whether that's therapy, support groups, or time alone to reset."

At times, Sandra's* 21-year-old daughter also lashes out with extreme abuse. However, the family has developed great coping strategies.

She says: "What we have learnt is to recognise when she needs space to regulate. We have developed various strategies including sensory spaces, shower time, talking when she is calm and journaling.

"There is no magic wand to control it all. It is about reducing the amount of times she feels distressed, also not engaging with back-and-forth arguments."

Both Sandra and Anne also point to ADHD medication as a helpful factor for their kids (as well as their own late diagnoses with the same condition).

Tips from ADHD-Executive Function Specialist Michael McLeod:

1. Don't engage. Stay calm, use short responses ("We'll talk later"), and walk away if needed.
2. Save the lesson. Set boundaries after the outburst, once everyone is calm.
3. Limit screen time. Fast-paced media fuels dysregulation and lowers frustration tolerance.
4. Ignore the bait. Don't reward bad behaviour with attention-praise calm moments instead.
5. Teach calm skills early. Practice emotional regulation tools during peaceful times.

*These names are pseudonyms

Originally published as 'He hates me': Aussie mums share the pain of an ADHD child's meltdown