Having young kids makes marriage feel like you're housemates

"That's what I was told, and two kids later I can say... no. But this is how it's a different relationship."

When I was pregnant with my first baby, all other people could do was warn me about my marriage. 

“The first year of your baby’s life will be the hardest on your relationship,” they insisted. “You won’t feel romantic, and you won’t feel like a couple.” 

“In fact,” went the warning, “being the parents of young kids is more like being housemates than being married”. 

Two kids in, and I can confidently say that the comparison to housemates was misleading. 

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You're two colleagues forced to work together

You see, I’ve had housemates who I didn’t see for days on end. Housemates whose jobs, hobbies and friends I knew barely anything about. Housemates who, to be quite frank, I hardly exchanged two words with as we went about our blessedly separate lives. 

There are times, in the past two and a half years, when I would have given anything for my relationship with my husband to resemble that of civil housemates, politely nodding at one another over our separate breakfasts in a shared kitchen before going about our separate days. 

Cheers to our next project working together. Image: supplied

But instead, we’re raising two kids together, which means we’re nothing like housemates, and exactly like two colleagues forced to work on a project together. 

Here's why.

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You’re both at the whim of an unpredictable boss

Let’s just call it what it is: our children are the bosses in our house, and we are their humble underlings. Neither me nor my husband is actually calling the shots, which means that, much like in the workplace, we’re often forced to undertake completely meaningless tasks (removing the yolks from four boiled eggs; wearing a pair of children’s pants on our heads) without so much as a “thank you, Mummy and Daddy”. 

You’re forced to put on a civil face to maintain professionalism

Housemates are free to ignore one other if desired, but parents - much like colleagues - are bound to maintain professional civility regardless the circumstances. If the kids are watching, parents are smiling, even when they secretly want to scream, cry or throw a particular battery-operated walker which keeps bleating “RING RING RING MY PHONE IS RINGING” at the wall.

Terse words might be exchanged after hours (read: once the kids are in bed), but while your superiors are supervising, you’re burying your grievances and pasting on a happy face. 

You take turns having lunch breaks

Has anybody with a baby ever successfully shared a meal with their spouse? Not in my house, they haven’t, because here - much like in the office - we eat in shifts. One person must have two hands free to break up what my toddler calls “hugging” but which looks suspiciously like “tackling his little brother to the ground” at all times, and the other person is free to enjoy their meal.

Much like two defeated secretaries manning the office phone, one employee must be ready to handle emergencies at all times, and the children must never, ever be left unattended. 

You’ve both been embellishing your resumes

Look, I didn’t know that my claim that I was “a morning person” should actually have been heavily qualified with “as long as I get a full 8 hours of sleep beforehand”.

While I might have advertised myself as someone with “great people skills” who’s “good under pressure” when I first met my husband, the number of times I’ve lost my cool while trying to convince my two-year-old to get into the bath would suggest otherwise. But hey - everyone’s lied to get a job at some point, right?

Image: Supplied

You’re constantly watching for when they’re clocking in and out. 

You haven’t truly reached peak parenthood until you’ve timed your partner’s bathroom breaks.

Fifteen minutes? FIFTEEN MINUTES? DO YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME I HAD FIFTEEN UNINTERRUPTED MINUTES TO MYSELF? 

You’re forced to work together, whether you like it or not. 

You don’t choose your colleagues, and although you do mostly choose your co-parent, it’s often too late to back out by the time the baby has been born.

When sh*t needs doing, you work together, even if you’re exhausted from working waaaay overtime.

And while an extra pair of hands might turn up to help with the workload from time to time, for the most part, it’s just the two of you slogging away, day after day. 

You couldn’t do your job without them. 

Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever have, and relationships which bear the strain of it are forged by fire.

Dealing with kids can be completely overwhelming, but the feeling of elation when you work together to nail it is like no high on earth. Just like in the workplace, nobody understands what it’s like to do your job except the people who do it with you - and at the end of the day, they’re the only ones you want to drink a glass of wine with and recount all the highs and all the lows. 

Originally published as Having young kids makes marriage feel like you're housemates