Confession: I fell out of love with my first child after my second was born

"I feel like a horrible parent, why have my feelings changed so quickly?" the mum asked. Please note this article contains discussions of sensitive topics. 

When parents receive the news that they're expecting their second child, the initial excitement can sometimes come with a wave of uncertainty.

Questions may arise, like, "How can I possibly love another child as deeply as I love my first?" or "Will my first child feel neglected or have resentment towards the baby or us?"

These concerns, although common, can cast a shadow of doubt on the journey to becoming a parent for the second time. 

But people often say reassuring things like that your heart will "double in size" to make room for your new bundle of joy.

But what happens if that isn't the case?

One woman has taken to a popular parenting forum to confess that she feels like a "horrible parent" for the way she thinks about her eldest son after the arrival of her daughter. 

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"It's like pulling teeth with him." Image: IStock

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'I'm a horrible parent'

Taking to the r/Parenting thread, the mum shared the post titled, "Falling out of love with my first child after my second was born." 

She wrote, "I'm a horrible parent. I have a 10-year-old son. I love my son. He was my world for 10 years, and we did everything together. He is a wonderful person, and I'm so proud of him."

"However since my daughter was born last August I find myself being massively irritated by my son. As soon as he talks I just wish he wouldn't. He is always asking for things and demanding my attention for trivial things (or though not trivial for him). He wakes the baby accidentally and I feel so much anger and fury.

"I used to think he was the best thing ever, but now I can't wait till bedtime and he is leaving me alone."

The poster says that she makes sure "he doesn't sense this" and never tells him to go away or not talk or anything.

But she's still crippled with guilt over her feelings and says she, "doesn't know why I've lost interest in him, am annoyed by him and frustrated by him."

She concluded her post by asking, "Why has this happened? Why have my feelings changed so quickly? I can spend time effortlessly with my baby but with him, it's like pulling teeth. He is a wonderful child, funny, smart and engaging - so why??"

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'This sounds like a form of postpartum depression'

The comments section overflowed with an outpouring of concern, with some also being relate to the mum's feelings and assuring her they were common, and other parents sharing advice.

"This sounds like a form of postpartum depression. You need to talk with your doctor," the top comment read.

Another person chimed in agreeing, "Yes, this! Could also be postpartum anxiety (PPA). I had that and it made me extremely irritable and it came out more at my older kids or my spouse."

And a third wrote, "My PPD manifested as rage. Mostly at my three-year-old. I have a lot of shame around this but I recognise that something was wrong with me."

Then someone else commented, "I was furious and not myself towards others with my PPD and PPA. I became a mother I did not recognise. I had started therapy because I expected PPD after my first. It wasn't enough, and I'm now on medication. I feel like myself again. I'm also doing therapy with my oldest to help us get on track."

Lots of people agreed that the mum should seek therapy or counselling in order to work through these issues. 

Others just wanted to show their support. 

"I don't have PPD, but it sounds awful to deal with. Please, DON'T be ashamed. I hope you reached out to someone," said one woman.

The poster's follow-up post

It appears the OP took the advice from her fellow members and is getting the help she needs.

She wrote in a follow-up edit to her post: "All your advice is very helpful and reassuring. I think there may be an element of PPD/PPA/PPR, and I am sure I will need some professional help for this.

"But just seeing that this is a common phenomenon, and I'm not a terrible, narcissistic, neglectful mother has helped already. I'm already feeling better."

Originally published as Confession: I fell out of love with my first child after my second was born