'Asian-only Xmas': My husband accused me of making the day about race

"I'm pregnant with our first child... what if they had heard his comment?" 

A devastated woman has shared the insensitive comment her husband made about her family and Christmas.

She explained in an online post, asking for help:

"I'm a British-Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me."

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"Asian-only Xmas where we just do our own Asian thing"

The pregnant woman further explained:

"I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics.

"My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere.

"His family is small (four people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

"When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an 'Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing'.

"I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles.

"My sister's boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race."

Image: iStock

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Rattled by her husband's comment, the woman shared how it made her feel.

"I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation.

"This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

"I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?"

"He jumped straight to that conclusion"

The woman's post received a mixed response, with one asking:

"Very strange thing for him to say. How long have you been married? Has this kind of thing happened before?"

The mum-to-be replied: "This was my point. It hurt me so bad. Married for four years, in a relationship for eight. It's the fact he jumped straight to that conclusion."

Another, in a biracial relationship, agreed and shared: "Really strange for him to say. We are a same race couple but tend to see / host family for this type of thing separately. Mainly because both sides have different traditions and preferences which are easier to accommodate separately."

The woman as also offered advice about interracial relationships in general: "I think a conversation is needed to understand why he made this about race. Maybe if your family are very close he feels envious or left out? Not that that makes his comment ok.

"By the way I also think it is common to host families separately because of logistics and frankly because people are generally more relaxed with their own immediate family."

The poster came back into the comments to thank people for their advice, and added: 

"Honestly, I just think the families are completely different and I don't think anyone wants a forced Xmas. I'd enjoy it more separate, he wouldn't but that's just preferences and was nothing to do with race until he made it about it.

"I know his dad well and he doesn't like being around anywhere but his own surroundings - especially when there's lots of people he won't know, and I plan to cook Indian food mainly too - I understand he would probably want a Roast diner and that's fine.

"Which is why I felt separate would be better. Also, when I'm at their house for Xmas there's never music and games. So separate made sense to me."

Originally published as 'Asian-only Xmas': My husband accused me of making the day about race