Advice Needed: My friend’s husband kept making sexual comments to me - then he crossed a line

“She dismissed it like it was nothing and that's just who he is. I don't want to lose my whole friendship group but also don't want to be around him… I've noticed him doing it to others.” Warning: this article discusses sexual assault.

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Advice Needed

My friend and her husband have been married for 10 years. I got divorced last year after 10 years myself. 

Over the last few months, whenever I spend time with them, my friend’s husband makes sexual comments and jokes to me. He’s even reached the point of touching me sexually when we’ve been drinking. 

I have tried talking to my friend but she just dismissed it like it was nothing and that's just who he is. I've now noticed him doing it to others. I don't want to lose my whole friendship group but also don't want to be around him. How do I deal with this situation?

Trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right. Source: iStock

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Carly’s Advice

The first thing I want you to know for certain, is that you are not overreacting. Your friend’s dismissal of her husband’s inappropriate behaviour is a reflection on how she feels about herself, and her relationship, not you. 

To explain how I know this to be true, I need to tell you a story. 

Ever since high school, my best friend Chelsea and I were inseparable. Shortly after I graduated from university, we moved into our first apartment together. Other than a few minor spats here and there - a plate left in the sink or using each other’s pantry staples by accident - it was a fairly pleasant, drama-free living environment. My folks had just gotten divorced, and I was incredibly relieved to have my own space and independence to be a young, nonchalant adult. 

I was comfortable, and felt at ease coming home every day from work for the first time in a long time.

Until I didn’t. 

Chelsea’s boyfriend Luke started hanging around most weekends. And then weekends evolved into weeknights until eventually we had a third housemate. I was already not a fan of Luke because of former indiscretions where he ‘accidentally’ mistook a random bartender’s a** for a stress ball. To his credit, he came clean to Chelsea about the woman who’d ended up in his bed that night.  

Chelsea came to me in tears, but unfortunately, sometimes when a friend tells you about her cheating boyfriend, she doesn’t actually want you to be the person that says “leave him.” She just wants you to listen and comfort. So if you’ve already tried to sit down and have an open conversation about your discomfort and his disloyalty, and she’s brushed you off, there’s not a lot else you can do. You can’t convince someone that they deserve better. They have to learn how to love and respect themselves on their own. 

For me, things started innocently. Compliments on my outfits, helping me put heels on before dinner. Then came the remarks over a glass of red wine about how I was the prettiest girl in the room. He wasn’t an “a**hole” for making that comment, according to Chelsea, he was just “honest”, and she “respected that”. 

Months later he was letting himself into our apartment with a key while I was in the shower, unsuspecting that anyone was home, and didn’t look away when I walked out in a towel. 

You can probably guess where this leads, and after I passed out on my bed after hosting a dinner party that ran until the early hours of the morning, I woke to him stroking my legs and telling me that he was just taking care of me because I’d had too much to drink. 

Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe. Source: iStock

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Your home is supposed to be your safe haven

Here’s the second thing I know for sure. The place you sleep at night is always meant to be your safe haven, no exceptions. And if all of a sudden that sanctuary becomes a place of worry or fear, even for a split second, it’s time to go. Now I’m not sure where these ‘jokes’ are stemming from in your situation, but whether it’s in your own home, at your friend’s place or in a crowded bar, a few drinks is not an excuse to touch you without permission.

Booze or no booze, taking advantage of a woman in a vulnerable state is clearly something he’s comfortable doing, and if his moral compass ticks even slower with alcohol, you need to distance yourself. Especially if you’re already seeing him act this way towards others. 

I loved my best friend. So I stuck around, and for months things were tense. My boyfriend started sleeping over most nights so I wasn’t alone with Luke, and I began finding more reasons to be out of the apartment if Chelsea wasn’t home. 

My story ended when Luke sent me a stomach-churning text message late one night, and I confronted him about it in front of Chelsea. He raised his right fist, I flinched, and one of my male friends who was over at the time told him to back off and get out. Looking back, I still don’t really know if he would have physically hurt me, I never will, but I wasn’t hanging around to find out. 

I moved out the next day. Chelsea and Luke were engaged not longer after. 

I loved my housemate, but I wasn't sticking around when I felt unsafe. Photo: iStock

I was so fearful of losing my nearest and dearest

My point is, later down the road, your already toxic situation is likely to amplify in some way, and he’s likely to go too far. You’ll be glad that you removed yourself from that environment sooner.

I also just want to quickly address the second part of your question, because I understand the panic that comes with reputation. Making a big deal out of things can seem like it will turn everyone against you… and that you’ll end up with no social circle, no one to grab coffee with when you’ve had a bad day.

I was so fearful of losing my nearest and dearest that I kept silent about an act of sexual assault by a close friend a year later. The friends I have now, are horrified that none of those people I was worried about losing at the time stood up for me, even the few that witnessed it. I attended events with ‘him’ in attendance for months because I’d stopped talking about the incident completely, so much so that it really did seem to others like I had made it all up, or that I was ok with it. 

Trust me when I say, if they are real friends they’re not going anywhere. Speak up, tell them the truth, give them a chance to have your back and choose to faze him out. If they don’t, it’s never too late to surround yourself with new people. 

Once you figure out who’s healthy for you and your happiness, the rest of your life begins. 

*Names have been changed.

Originally published as Advice Needed: My friend’s husband kept making sexual comments to me - then he crossed a line