‘My partner keeps asking me what I like in bed – I don’t know what to tell him’

A man has asked his partner to reveal her sexual fantasy but she’s worried he’ll be disappointed by what it is.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains why staying in an unhappy marriage rarely benefits anyone.

Question: My partner keeps asking me to tell him what I like in bed, but I don’t know. He’s frustrated with me because I won’t tell him, but I just don’t know what to say. When we have sex I enjoy just seeing what happens and I don’t have any particularly wild fantasies. He keeps pushing me to tell him and it’s making me uncomfortable. Am I abnormal for just wanting everyday sex?

Answer: Wanting ‘everyday’ sex is absolutely fine. Sex doesn’t need to be adventurous or kinky to be satisfying – vanilla is a delicious flavour!

However, it sounds like there’s more going on here with your sexual communication that could do with some attention.

Men frequently want more instruction during sex

It’s common for men to ask what their partner wants when it comes to sex.

Despite the stereotype of men being solely concerned with their own pleasure, what I’ve found is that men really want to please their partners in the bedroom. In therapy men often confess that what turns them on most is seeing their partner enjoy themselves.

There’s a lot of pressure on men to ‘just know’ what to do or to get it right when it comes to sex. Men often want more direction from their partner on what would feel good – so they can ensure their partner is enjoying themselves.

Sexual communication is challenging for many women

While men often seek more communication around sex, women in heterosexual relationships can struggle to be vocal.

Our society doesn’t encourage women to explore sexually the way it does for men. Masturbation for men is seen as a fact, whereas for women, it’s still somewhat taboo. As a result of societal conditioning, we’re often more passive during sex.

Sex doesn’t have to be adventurous or wild. Picture: Unsplash, We Vibe Toys

Unfortunately, many women have also had the experience of speaking up during sex and being shut down or receiving a defensive reaction from a partner.

So, as women, we often don’t really know what we like sexually. And even if we do, we can feel embarrassed, afraid or uncomfortable asking for it.

Open sexual communication increases intimacy and pleasure

Being able to communicate openly and honestly about sex is one of the things that helps couples have satisfying sex lives. It can also increase intimacy between you.

For some people, communicating about sex is a way that they feel more connected – as you’re talking about something special that just the two of you share.

Most of us weren’t taught how to have open conversations about sex, so it can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing. It takes practice, but it does enhance satisfaction, enjoyment and spark over the long term.

Sexual communication doesn’t need to be especially kinky or erotic. You don’t have to want anything even mildly adventurous to open up sexual communication.

Sexual variety helps keep the spark alive

I will say again that vanilla is a delicious flavour. Sex doesn’t need to be wild or kinky to be satisfying.

That being said, there is research that shows sexual novelty helps keep the spark alive.

Sexual variety can keep the spark alive. Picture: Unsplash, Dainis Graveris

Although you might be satisfied with the sex you’re having – and you certainly don’t need to explore anything outside your comfort zone – maintaining variety in your sexual repertoire can keep the passion alive and increase sexual and relationship satisfaction.

This novelty can be in the form of different positions, talking about sex, sharing a fantasy, wearing lingerie or just changing up your regular sex routine.

Some helpful questions to start conversations around sex and increase sexual variety:

• If you’re not sure where to start in terms of discussing sex more openly, grab a glass of wine and try these questions together.

• What does sex mean to you?

• What do you most enjoy me doing to you sexually?

• What do you most like doing to me?

• What’s your favourite position that we’ve tried so far?

• Is there a guaranteed way to turn you on?

• Is there anything that absolutely turns you off?

• Do you ever struggle to reach orgasm? Is there anything I can do to assist with that?

• Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try sexually that you haven’t told me about yet?

My Body Mapping exercise is also a great way to practice sexual communication and changing up your sexual routine.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy

Originally published as ‘My partner keeps asking me what I like in bed – I don’t know what to tell him’