Jana Hocking on how ethical non-monogamy is a turn on

It’s called ENM and it’s everywhere. This “shocking” dating trend could actually be a huge turn on says Jana Hocking.

So there’s a new dating trend, that at first I thought was slightly shocking and a bit messed up. But after pondering it, I’m beginning to think it’s not actually such a bad idea.

I first stumbled upon this new dating term last week as I was chatting to a newly divorced friend who is venturing onto the dating apps for the first time in 10 years.

As we enjoyed a cold glass of Savvy B and some sashimi, she exclaimed with a sigh: “The only people I seem to be matching with is those who want to be ENM!”

Now I pride myself on knowing basically every dating term there is. Ghosted? Yep. Breadcrumbing? Sure. But ENM?! What the heck is that?!

Chuffed to know something about dating that I didn’t, my friend filled my glass and explained all. Turns out that ENM stands for ethically non-monogamous and basically EVERYONE on the apps are into it right now.

** OK that might be a slight over-reaction, but there sure is a heck load of people interested in exploring the concept.

Jana Hocking was keen to find out more about ENM. Picture: Instagram.

ENM is the practice of non-monogamous intimate or sexual relations that are distinguished from infidelity by the knowledge and consent of those involved. Basically like an open relationship, but right from the get-go.

People are embracing this concept so much that it’s now something you put in your dating profile to let people know before you’ve even been on a first date.

As someone who regularly suffers from FOMO (fear of missing out), I was horrified to find out that I’ve never really explored this side of dating. It made me curious to find out whether I could actually handle being in a ENM relationship.

Sure, there have been times where I’ve had no doubt that the person I was loosely dating was also dating other people, but eventually we’d end up having ‘the chat’ and decide to be exclusive. But to date someone long-term and be ENM … well that’s a whole different story.

You see, I can shamelessly admit that I suffer from the ol’ green-eyed monster from time to time. Yes, I can be a tad jealous if I think someone is after my man, but then again … if everything was upfront, would I mind as much? Here’s another controversial idea … could it actually become a turn on?

Jana Hocking thinks ENM could be a turn on. Picture: Instagram.

There have been times where I’ve noticed I’ve lost attraction to someone I’m dating, but then if we’re out and I see someone else take interest in them I find that spark again. I know it’s shallow but it’s true.

What is it about someone fancying your person that makes us all hot and sweaty.

Also, how many times do we hear our coupled-up friends complain about life becoming a little dull. Many long for a casual hook-up just to know they’ve still got it. Or for the thrill. Who says your libido has to stay on autopilot just because you’ve settled down?

I recently hooked up with a guy who was in an open marriage and it was marvellous.

Yep turns out I was practising ENM before I even knew it was a thing! I won’t go into all the details but he was very upfront with me, I was enjoying the attention, plus I’m very set on not taking any ‘dating baggage’ with me on my upcoming holidays overseas, so I thought why the heck not.

No one was hurt, and there was no sneaking around because everyone was in the loop. It was such a weird feeling to wrap my head around at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised I had no regrets.

So do I think I could practise EDM forever? Realistically, no. I enjoy focusing on one person and truth be told, if I find myself getting attached I will probably want them all to myself. But while I’m enjoying being single and having fun right now, it’s certainly not a deal-breaker.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking

Originally published as Jana Hocking on how ethical non-monogamy is a turn on