I found my daughter crying herself to sleep after she'd lost a little sibling

"It often happens in such a quiet way...  so a lot of people grieve alone. Dom would be the first to admit that he didn't know how to provide a lot of support." Please note: This story is about pregnancy loss.

Helen Perrottet has opened up about the surprising, heart-wrenching effect her miscarriages had on her teenage daughter. 

She's a mother-of-seven and the unstoppable force who keeps the large family running while husband, NSW premier Dominic Perrottet is busy running the state and fighting for his job. But Helen Perrottet, 42, has opened up about an initiative very close to her heart.

The super mum, who is a former Australian Federal Police officer, military police officer, political adviser, and now a lawyer and major in the Army reserve, has spoken previously about suffering three heartbreaking miscarriages and the toll it has taken on the pair.

The Perrottets' seven children range in age from one-year-old Celeste, to 13-year-old Charlotte.

This week, Helen spoke exclusively on Kidspot's The Juggling Act podcast about how her eldest daughter reacted to a miscarriage that really broke her heart.

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Dom and his wife Helen are parents to daughters Charlotte, Amelia, Annabelle, Harriet, Beatrice, and Celeste, along with son William. Photo: Supplied

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"I found my daughter crying herself to sleep"

"There's a huge lack of awareness about an understanding of the support that women need when they've gone through a miscarriage because it often happens in such a quiet way and it often happens before the 12-week mark when you've announced it to everyone, so a lot of people grieve alone, a lot of partners don't understand what the mum is going through," Helen told co-hosts Melissa Wilson and Jules Robinson.

"It was also a surprise to me, that months after I'd been through it, I found my daughter crying herself to sleep because she'd lost a little sibling."

Helen explained that her reasons for opening up about her miscarriages, saying she had to endure it all while in the public eye and continuing to work.

"I think there's a lot more work in that space to be done, on so many levels," she said, referring to government initiatives to support women going through miscarriages.

"Even the health system, as soon as you have a miscarriage, you're cut away, there's no continuity. It's like, 'OK, no pregnancy'... Then women are left to deal with it themselves and then they're surrounded by some people who are amazing, but a lot of people - Dom would be the first to admit that he didn't know how to provide a lot of support.

"I had no idea what was going to happen, it was a shock. Someone should have said, 'Don't go to that work function'. I had no idea.

"Then [there were] the people who would have been absolutely well intentioned, making comments like, 'Don't worry, you've got other kids,' and, 'Don't worry, you'll have another one.' Kids aren't replaceable!

"There wasn't any proactive mechanism there, I do think women should have, following on [after a miscarriage], a counselor calling them up and say, 'This hurts, are you OK?', because when you're in that situation it's really hard to be proactive to chase that up yourself.

"You're clouded [with the grief] and you're thinking, 'hang on it's just a pregnancy, why does this feel so awful?' So I just think it's a really important conversation to have."

Helen called out the work of Pink Elephant, an emotional support resource to support women as they navigate their fertility journey and miscarriage. 

RELATED: Offensive things people said to me after my miscarriage

"The mental load is a killer"

Helen Perrottet gave some insight into what life at home is like, juggling seven children of various ages and stages, while also balancing part-time work and supporting her husband ahead of the upcoming NSW election.

"The mental load is the killer, it's the sports, it's the after-school activities, it's the doctor's appointments, it's the homework... so you always get things thrown at you.

"I have lists, schedules, planning, routine, if I lost my phone, my house would not function," she admitted. "The working parent guilt, it's horrible. The key is though, even when you miss those things, the kids are so resilient and forgiving as long as you then make that effort to reconnect and re-engage, that helps."

On the subject of at-home help, Helen said the family has a babysitter who comes a couple of times a week, but added "other than that, I kind of like to run my own show. I like sorting everything else."

The lawyer opened up about a bad accident she had a couple of weeks ago at the gym, which saw her spend time in hospital with a bulging disc.

"It was the best holiday I have had in years," she joked. "It was amazing, and really good drugs."

But seriously, it's hardly surprising that when you've got seven children who all need in different ways, the gym becomes your sanctuary. "That's the time out, no one talks to me, no one touches me, it's great. That's my rest time," she said.

NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet with his family. Image: Supplied

"They bring so much excitement and joy"

Despite the constant chaos, Helen says she and Dominic "would love to have [more] kids,"adding, "We always wanted to have a big family, both of us, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I've been the one who has always been more really keen to have more kids, more so than Dom."

The lawyer and mum spoke about how her perspective began to change after having kids, despite getting cold feet briefly when she met her future husband.

"I'm looking at mums juggling kids and just feeling so sorry for them... but then I realised actually I want this, and with motherhood, you sort of go through a reprogramming.

"I wouldn't change it for the world now. Now I am still working part-time, but I love it and your perspective changes and what makes you excited is just different.

"If you have one [child], or you have seven, or you have 10, it's amazing either way. A one-year-old can fill your time, you're always on, whatever amount, they're always going to fill your life with joy. They bring so much excitement and joy."

And if things don't go Dominic's way during the election on Saturday?

"There will be a lot of making up to do [at home]," she joked, admitting there would be little bit of relief if he didn't get re-elected as premier.

"As a voter, as a NSW resident, I think he'd better, but I'm obviously biased. But as a wife, I want him to be happy. But he'll be happy either way, so I'm kind of ambivalent on whether he wins or not."

Originally published as I found my daughter crying herself to sleep after she'd lost a little sibling