‘I can’t ‘finish’ when I have sex with partner, what’s wrong?’

It’s something that an increasing number of men are facing in the bedroom but very few talk about.

Relax and enjoy yourself without putting pressure on yourself to have an orgasm. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains what is an ever-growing sex issue for men.

QUESTION: This is a strange problem to have as a man, but I can’t ‘finish’ when I’m with a partner. I used to think it was great that I have so much control, but I can’t cum even when I want to. I think my partner has started to notice and is questioning whether I find her attractive – she even accused me of cheating on her. What can I do?

ANSWER: Not being able to ‘finish’ is a growing challenge for men. Known as Delayed Ejaculation or impaired ejaculation, the condition involves men not being able to reach orgasm during intercourse or taking much longer than expected despite high levels of arousal.

You may be feeling frustrated, embarrassed or guilty. Picture: iStock

You’re not broken

Sexual challenges in a partnership can leave both people feeling embarrassed and questioning themselves. We are given such inadequate sex education that we can blame ourselves and feel helpless when challenges arise.

You may be feeling frustrated, embarrassed or guilty about your inability to climax. I want to reassure you that you’re not alone in experiencing this issue. I treat a growing number of men experiencing Delayed Ejaculation and associated erectile challenges in my work as a therapist.

It’s also understandable that your partner feels your issue might be because of her.

I wish I could assure her that this is unlikely to be the case. Unfortunately it can take time and education for her to believe this.

There’s nothing wrong with you – or your partner – and there are steps you can take that can help you overcome this.

If you’re young and generally in good health, Delayed Ejaculation can be relatively straightforward to address. Picture: iStock

Common causes of Delayed Ejaculation

Understanding the cause – or contributing factors – to a particular challenge allows us to take the right steps to addressing it.

Don’t be alarmed at this list of possible causes. If you’re young and generally in good health, Delayed Ejaculation can be relatively straightforward to address.

Delayed Ejaculation can be caused by:

• Genetic factors

• Health conditions such as nerve damage, multiple sclerosis or pelvic issues

• Performance anxiety

• Habitual masturbation

• Problematic pornography use

• Ageing

• Alcohol or drug use

• Medications

Do you always use pornography when you masturbate? Picture: iStock

Over-training

The most common reason young men struggle to reach orgasm during partnered sex is due to a combination of pornography use, habitual masturbation and unrealistic expectations of sexual performance.

For men who have experienced a number of years of solo sex, they’ve often become accustomed to having the added stimulation of pornography and using their own hand (which often involves a tight grip) to reach orgasm.

Some men have worked hard to control the length of time they last, only to find that they’ve flipped the other way and now struggle to reach climax even when they want to.

Ask yourself some questions

As a Sexologist, here are some of the questions I would be wanting to ask you to help determine what might be causing this:

• How long has this been an issue for you?

• Was there anything going on in your relationship or life when this became worse?

• Can you reach orgasm during masturbation?

• Do you always use pornography when you masturbate?

• How strong is your grip when you masturbate?

• Do you have a particular position or way of masturbating?

• Do you take any medication or use recreational drugs?

The answers to these questions can help you determine the cause of your challenges and take steps to change it.

See if you can reach climax through masturbation while your partner is there. Picture: iStock

How you can overcome Delayed Ejaculation

1. Start by talking to your partner

Sexual challenges are always easier to overcome when you have a partner’s support. Talking to your partner about this can help her understand that this isn’t because of her and allow you to work on this together.

Consider asking her to talk about this, or even share this article with her to open up the conversation.

2. Determine the possible causes

Consider the list above and which causes might apply to you.

3. Take practical steps to address this

Treatment will depend on the cause, but here are some suggestions on what to do:

• If you are using pornography regularly, cut this down.

• Make sure that you can climax alone without pornography.

• Try loosening your grip during masturbation.

• Consider using a men’s sex toy or masturbation aid to learn to climax through different sensations.

• See if you can reach climax through masturbation while your partner is there.

• Relax and enjoy yourself without putting pressure on yourself to have an orgasm.

4. Get support

If you’ve tried some of the above suggestions and are still struggling, reach out to your GP or a Sexologist for professional support.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as ‘I can’t ‘finish’ when I have sex with partner, what’s wrong?’