Gold Coast: 10 divorce pitfalls to avoid

IF you’ve arrived at a place in your marriage where continuing is just not an option, here are the top 10 pitfalls to avoid to safely navigate the transition

When it’s time to call it quits ...

SEPARATION and divorce is a time of enormous change and challenge.

And while it can be difficult for both parties, divorce can also have a massive impact on children.

The Gold Coast is the divorce capital of Australia and most of us have heard war stories.

How can you avoid being another victim? Read on.

1SOCIAL MEDIA + DIVORCE = DANGER

Don’t use social media, and particularly don’t use email and text messages to vent or explain why you are right and he or she is wrong.

It will come back to bite you. Welcome all that your ex has to throw at you or to the public at large, because they will regret it.

There are very few cases these days where people’s vitriolic vents don’t find their way into affidavits which are used in evidence in court proceedings, with great effect, causing significant damage to the other party’s case.

Let that be them, not you.

2YOUR FRIENDS’ ADVICE IS USELESS

Don’t listen to the “grapevine”.

No case is like yours. As much as other people will want to tell you what happened to their children or their property when they were going through their separation and divorce, so they are now all “experts”, it’s your marriage, your children and your property, not theirs.

Every case is unique and every outcome depends upon a myriad of different factors, many of which you most likely will be unaware.

Do not listen to your friends, their friends or your cousin’s brother’s friend.

Everybody will want to give you advice about what he or she got in his or her divorce, or better yet, what you should get in yours.

Don’t listen.

3BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FINANCES

Don’t try to hide or undervalue property and assets. They will be found.

To do so will likely delay the process, cost more money accordingly, and risk a costs order against you.

Worse, if they are discovered after the settlement or undervalued in the settlement, you risk having the whole settlement set aside, and having to start all over again, with a costs order against you and no credibility in future negotiations.

4GOING IN HARD IS NOT THE WAY TO PLAY

Don’t go in with the attitude of: “I’ll play hard ball”.

You will only make it harder for everyone, including yourself. Don’t be reactive. Be proactive.

Take control. Start negotiations early and sensibly.

Start in a place where you want to be, rather than let negotiations start on other people’s terms.

You will get to where you want to a lot faster.

Arguments and aggressive tactics in divorce court generally just lead to more arguments and aggression.

You can actually protect yourself more effectively through well- planned civil negotiating methods.

5THINK OF THE KIDS

Do not make children feel sad for you.

They then feel wounded and hurt. They want to know that you are OK, strong and that everything will be all right.

They want to know that their world will be OK because their parents, together, are capable of working things out and looking after them.

6GET SCHOOLED UP

Don’t take your battle to school. Both parents need to give the same message to their children, namely, that they are not to blame for your divorce, they are both working together, and everything will be all right.

Similarly, you need to give joint and agreed instructions to their school.

Just as you should not under any circumstances put your children in the line of fire arising from your divorce, nor should the school be put in that position either.

7ASK FOR HELP

Don’t think you’re invincible and you can do it on your own.

In any marriage or relationship breakdown, conflict is inevitable.

Conflict usually involves high emotion and often anger. For lawyers, separating the people from the problem can be hard.

It can be a problem for the parties, but more critically, for children. They are vulnerable and can experience extreme stress if parents are unable to resolve their conflict.

Counselling can provide great assistance to parents and children.

8STICK TO YOUR GAME PLAN

Don’t lose sight of your “game plan”. Identify it early, and stick to it.

Run your own race.

Don’t be drawn into the other party’s game plan. Remain entirely focused on the end result as quickly, effectively, privately, fairly, inexpensively and respectfully, as possible.

9LESS IS MORE

Don’t think it’s your child’s right to know all the facts about the relationship breakdown and divorce.

They don’t want to know all the details.

Respect your child’s right to be a child without having to be included in their parents’ conflict or having to take sides or make choices about adult issues.

Don’t burden your children with your worries or concerns about the other parent. Your children are not your therapists.

Although in a confrontational situation holding your tongue for a moment can seem like an eternity, in that moment of self-control when you resist harmful speech, you have reinforced your child’s ability to feel safe in the world.

10LISTEN

Don’t ignore the advice of your lawyer. When you’re confused, hurt, angry, stressed and scared, you’re not well equipped to make good choices.

Let your lawyer be the voice of reason when your emotions have robbed you of yours.

* Jones Mitchell Lawyers specialises in matrimonial, family and relationship law