Gender roles are still making dating harder for young Aussies

When Bridget Porter started dating women, she noticed there was a big difference from going on dates with men.

When Bridget Porter started dating women, she noticed there was a big difference from going on dates with men.

“I’ve only recently started exploring my sexuality,” the 25-year-old toldnews.com.au, “but I’ve already noticed that I feel much more free to be myself on dates with other women.

“When I’m dating men, I’m worried about coming on too strong — I’m naturally a really romantic person and I love organising dates and giving gifts, but men don’t take that very well … so I find myself changing my behaviour. With women, I don’t have to worry.”

It’s not just her romantic behaviours that she feels are on hold when she’s dating men, and she’s not the only young Aussie feeling stifled by the traditional gender roles.

25-year-old Bridget Porter says she's able to be herself more on dates with women, than dates with men. Picture: supplied.

Like a lot of Australian men, 23-year-old Sebastian Priou finds it almost impossible to share his emotions with the women he dates.

“I find it really hard to open up, it’s just not what men are taught to do” he said. “It’s 100 per cent caused some of my relationships to end.”

What do we mean by gender roles?

Gender roles are anything that society traditionally expects of a man or women, or in more recent times, of people who identify as feminine or masculine.

Despite a lot of work towards equality over the past several decades, young Aussies are still finding them a prevalent factor in modern dating.

Things like expecting the man to pay, assumptions that women don’t (and aren’t allowed) to enjoy sex like men do, expecting women to want a relationship more than men, and expecting men to bottle up their emotions.

Surely we’ve moved passed this?

The short answer, even for Gen Z, is no. In fact, a recent YouGov study, commissioned by Bumble, surveyed 1038 Aussie over 18 only to find that the pressures of gender are still overwhelming.

A whopping 80 per cent agreed that there are different expectations of behaviour, depending on your gender identity.

What’s particularly interesting, is the fact that 66 per cent also said that being confident and expressing yourself is important, while 65 per cent said that gender roles make people “behave in a way that is less true to who they are”. Is the problem becoming clearer?

Author (of a book about dating, no less) and influencer, 31-year-old Helen Chik, has experienced plenty of gendered expectations in her dating, but fought hard to overcome them.

“Gender roles honestly don’t belong in any society anymore,” she toldnews.com.au. “I want a partner who is happy and proud to see me walking my own path, not someone who is going to herd me into theirs.”

While 60 per cent felt that gender roles made dating more difficult and stressful, and half of respondents felt it was important to address equality early on in a relationship — only 36 per cent felt it was important to challenge traditional gender roles.

So the problem isn’t clear, it’s confusing and convoluted to find a place where your personal beliefs and hundreds of years of social conditioning can meet harmoniously.

Helen Chik's new book, Sex, Swipes And Other Stories, is all about her dating experiences. Picture: Instagram / @helenchikx

I’ll be honest, when I was still dating it was important to me to at least pay my share of everything, often I’d even pay in full.

But I also found myself faced with a contradiction. While I felt uncomfortable when the men I dated absolutely refused to let me pay at all, I also started seeing a pattern with those who refused to even offer.

Not wanting to foot the bill is absolutely not a red flag, but in my experience, the men who never offered soon threw up a series of very real red flag behaviour — anything from being disrespectful, to clearly just wanting a one nighter (which is fine, just not my personal vibe). I’m not saying all the men who offered to pay were angels, but there was a mix of good and bad.

How the hell do you find a middle ground when your personal beliefs and societal expectations don’t match?

23-year-old Sebastian Priou says gender role expectations make it hard for him to share his emotions. Picture: supplied.

While this issue, like everything the patriarchy has to offer, is a problem no matter which gender you identify as — time and time again the results show that it’s worse for women.

A full 52 per cent of female survey respondents felt they were expected to prioritise a relationship and settle down before they were “too old”, compared to only 21 per cent of men.

“I don’t know if it’s society, or just my biological clock,” says Porter, “but I know I want kids, so I definitely do feel pressure to find a relationship. I think women are expected to have kids in their early 30s, but men can focus more on career … they don’t really seem to worry about relationships like women do”.

Probably linked to this pressure, more women felt pressure to compromise on what they were looking for in a partner.

What can we do about it?

Sexologist (and Bumble’s relationship expert) Chantelle Otten is all too familiar with how gender roles are still at play in modern dating.

“I see gender roles play out enormously in my work,” she toldnews.com.au. “Gender stereotyping in general is very toxic.”

She see that in general women's and femmes are expected to be “warm, sensitive and caring”, while men and mascs as “assertive, dominant and competitive”.

“These are really biased attributions and I think they do play into sexuality and dating,” she says.

If you are having a problem with gendered expectations in your relationship or dating life, Otten says getting through it is all about communication.

“Explore what your partner feels comfortable or not comfortable with, and discuss how you’d like your partner, and yourself to show up. From there, you can decide if you’re compatible.

“It’s absolutely possible to break out of the old gender roles … owning your power is something I think is really important”.

Originally published as Gender roles are still making dating harder for young Aussies