Please don’t tell me G-strings are making a comeback

JUST because Kim Kardashian West is in the middle of an intense love affair with this revealing underwear style doesn’t mean we all have to follow her lead.

Just because Kim Kardashian has embraced the G-string doesn’t mean we all should.

OPINION

THE greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing women that G-strings are comfortable to wear.

It began, the way so many trends do, with a Kim Kardashian post on Instagram. I hesitate to call it a “selfie” because, frankly, I’m not sure you can take a photo of your own bum from such an angle yourself.

Still, there it was, underneath her lemon yellow athleisure two-piece: an old-school G-string, poking out over her leggings, and then up over the hips, in the style of late 1990s pop stars and dilettantes. A “whale tail”. The only thing missing was the lower back Celtic tattoo.

The ’90s aesthetic was no accident — the G-string itself was from Tom Ford’s 1997 collection for Gucci, no doubt languishing away in a closet somewhere before being plucked into prominence by KKW. Which is to say, it was not the modified lace ones we see today. This was full-blown, almost literal string with a Gucci emblem redolent of the NeverEnding Story snake talisman.

Fine! So what? So Kim is wearing a G-string? It doesn’t mean the world will.

But then she kept posting them.

On the beach ...

At home ...

Like it was normal. I tried to dismiss it until I stumbled on this advertorial from New York Magazine, “The Best Thongs For Women, According to the Experts”.

Excuse me, there are G-string experts? Apparently so. There was even a quote from one of them.

“[Underwear company] Hanky Panky normalised the thong and made it an accessible wardrobe essential for millions of women.”

So said Cora Harrington of the blog the Lingerie Addict. I say this with respect: How dare you! I don’t care that today’s G-strings are lacy and allegedly softer; I don’t care that they come in an array of colours and textures, they are a disgrace.

And before you accuse me of slut-shaming, let me explain that it’s not just the horrible ’80s flashbacks of Baywatch and Diet Coke ads pushing me to this place — it’s the fact that they are just not very comfortable. There’s a reason they are called “bum floss”. Would you like your bum permanently flossed? Because now that Kim’s gone and worn one, that’s what we will be looking at: G-string PJs. G-strings for work. For play. G-strings for school drop-offs.

It’s going to be G-string Gilead before we know it.

Just because Kim K does something, it doesn’t mean we all have to as well. Picture: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

“Oh once you get used to them, they’re actually more comfortable than undies.”

These unforgettable words were uttered by a close friend in the late 1990s, back when G-strings — or G-bangers, as a few of my male friends called them — were considered as much a part of a liberated woman’s wardrobe as an oversized corsage and denim blazer.

Suffice to say, we are no longer friends. It wasn’t the G-strings that led us to part ways, but honestly? I’d be lying if I said that the G-strings had nothing to do with it.

It’s not like I didn’t try — with the G-strings, I mean. I gave up on the friendship long ago. Snuggling into the “Brazilian” model, pretending not to notice that my butt cheeks had been cut in half. Pretending I was thrilled about my now invisible undie line. But that was then.

These days, if you want an invisible undie line, you wear control underwear, the biggest bonus of which is that they suck you in, instead of separating your poor bottom as if it were two steamed dumplings, co-joined by too much moisture.

G-strings belong back in a time when the only place a middle-aged man could ogle at a half-naked woman and feel OK about himself was the beach. But this is 2018, and we have Instagram for that now.

Which brings me back to Kim. Please underwear experts, please can they stay on our phones. We’ve come so far. We have “boyleg” undies now. To go back would be a mistake — a huge, massive, whale-sized error.

Originally published as Please don’t tell me G-strings are making a comeback