Despite what we’re taught to believe, love and sex don’t always go hand in hand. And unlike the fairytales we’re told, happily ever after doesn’t always extend to the bedroom. 

“I think that definitely going through periods of not much sex is very common,” relationship and intimacy coach Susie Kim tells Body+Soul. “I think that’s just so normal for so many different reasons.” 

But what constitutes “not much”? And what does it mean to be in a sexless marriage? 

“I think it’s kind of dependent on the couple to be honest,” explains Kim. “It’s sort of what you consider to be sexless depending on your appetite. 

The expert says she’s had couples who’ve gone years without doing the deed, while other couples who identify as sexless get freaky just a few times a year.

Should you stay in a sexless marriage?

Before we get down to the do-I-stay-or-do-I-go question, it’s important to first consider the why. Why aren’t you and your significant other still getting acquainted under the sheets? 

“Is there a physiological issue? Is there a medical issue? Is there a mental health issue? Is there a libido issue?” asks Kim. “Is it a stage of life or a season of life type of issue, with really external pressures. Like has someone died in the family or maybe you’re going through early parenthood or someone’s going through a really stressful time at work. 

So before jumping the gun and calling it quits, Kim says there are a whole load of reasons to consider before walking away from a sexless marriage. 

Including whether your lack of sex life “reflects a deeper emotional mismatch or a deeper sexual mismatch”. And then how important sexual intimacy is to you. 

“If you have that mismatch, is there some other way that as a relationship you’re still creating some sense of closeness and connection and creativity?” asks Kim. “Because while sex can be one component of a really healthy, flourishing relationship and it can be a very important one to many, you can also get some of those same needs met in other ways and people can make that work very well as well.”

For example, Kim’s had clients who run a business together and she says that “fulfills a lot of needs and that’s very exciting for them”. 

“Then there’ll be couples who travel and do cruises together and maybe they’re not having sex but they’re having a lot of fun,” she says. “So it’s like, is there some other way that you’re getting filled and connecting in some other intimate way, that’s not sex, that’s meaningful to you?” 

But then there’s the other side to sexless relationships when both physical intimacy and emotional connection have left the bedroom. As well as your partner when sleeping in separate rooms becomes the norm. 

“Maybe a sexless marriage is the result of earlier relationship issues or a lack of proper communication that’s just built up and up,” suggests Kim. “And there’s a build-up of resentment and unaddressed dynamics and unaddressed issues which has led to this divide and this discourse.”

In that case, you need to consider whether they’re things that can be worked on. And whether you’re both willing to completely unpack all of your unprocessed emotional history in your relationship. 

“That’s going to require some hard work and some willingness to go through some very difficult emotional terrain, like everything you’ve maybe been ignoring in your relationship,” the intimacy coach says. “And the reality of that is that some people are willing to do that, and some people just are not.”

How to tell if a sexless marriage if permanent

 Does a diminishing sex life spell the end of sexual intimacy for married couples? And can flailing sex drives and a lack of sexual interest be overcome? 

Well, it all comes down to whether you and your partner are able to talk about the tricky tropics. 

“The difficult thing is, I think that sexual issues can bring up so much, right, that it's normal for people to feel quite uncomfortable talking about sexual issues anyway, just just as a baseline,” Kim explains. “But yes, if over time there is a pattern of not being able to go into vulnerable or difficult areas and a pattern of shutting down or a refusal to engage on some of those more vulnerable issues, including sex, that might be it.” 

What happens if I stay in a sexless marriage for too long?

The long-term effects of a sexless marriage all depend on how you feel about sex. Especially if you need it to feel important and special and valued as a person. And that just can’t really be met in any other way except from a partner. 

“So then if sex is not available, I think it can lead to a sort of loss of vitality within you as a person,” Kim says. “It’s this loss of this sense of joy and aliveness and deep intimacy within yourself, so there can be this effect of your light dimming.

“There's something quite special and central to some people which is just missing, and I think that can lead to a loss of vitality, a loss of connection, a loss of connection to self, and a loss of connection to the thing that makes life so amazing, and you’re probably going to feel very disconnected and very lonely in your relationship.” 

But on the other hand, for some, it might not be a big deal if sexual desire and sexual interest take a backseat – even long term. 

“For some people it’s okay to go, ‘We're not having sex, but we have a great relationship and a great friendship, and we've got children and a great life, and that's enough’,” the relationships coach says. “And I think people can really make that work. And there's nothing wrong with that.” 

Signs to look for in a sexless marriage

Beyond a well, lack of sexual activity, what else spells out a sexless marriage? 

A lack of any intimacy is a start, says Kim. This includes not just sexual, but physical too. 

Think kissing, touching, even holding hands. Not to mention different sleeping arrangements or an absence of any romantic relationship.

“Is there also any turning towards each other in terms of just emotional connection?” asks Kim. “Or is there even a friendship?

“I think that's also important to consider. Like, is there just a real lack of skill and communication in general, beyond the sexual realm? Is the lack of sex really just a symptom or a reflection of long-standing emotional issues? Or is it just that in this one area there's a lack of skill or a mismatch? 

“I think that's quite a pivotal question.”

Know when to walk away from a sexless marriage

When it comes to crunch time, Kim says it’s about assessing if there’s enough connection or other aspects of your relationship that are important to you. 

“It’s also about really weighing up what you want your life to look like, and what is important to you,” she says. “Like what are your values in this area? And is it family right now, because the kids are young?”

Kim says it’s this topic that is all too common for women. 

“I experience it more with women leaving after the kids are grown and their motherhood duties have become a lot less because their kids are independent and then they then go, ‘Alright, I think it’s my time now’, and then leave, because there’s not enough holding them there.”

The question is whether there is enough there for you, and whether you’re happy. 

“Is there something holding you there that’s really important? Or that’s fulfilling something for you? Or that maybe you need in that stage of life?” Kim says. 

“It’s really the same question as, ‘When do you leave a marriage that you’re not happy in’?"