What is 'hyper-independence' and how can you overcome it?
Whilst being self-sufficient and taking care of yourself are desirable attributes of adulthood, this is when it becomes problematic.
Mental Health
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While asking for help may seem like a simple part of life, for the hyper-independent among us, it’s anything but. We asked Dr Alissa Knight how to identify and overcome hyper-independence.
Recently, in the group chat, I asked my girlfriends for a favour: Could they (please, maybe, only if they have time – but no worries if not!) answer a quick question for a project I was working on? These women have been my closest friends for more than 25 years, and what I was asking of them likely would have taken a total of five minutes to complete.
And yet, I was sick to my stomach at the thought of asking, or more to the point, needing some help. My anxiety, deep-seated as it was, persisted even after my wonderful girlfriends all came back with some version of: Can do!
Asking for help, or accepting it, is something I’ve never been good at, and I never understood why until I learned that this I’ll-just-do-it-myself mentality has a name.
What is hyper-independence?
Hyper-independence is an excessive form of self-reliance characterised by a reluctance to seek, or resistance to accept, help or support from others.
Whilst being self-sufficient and taking care of yourself are desirable attributes of adulthood, according to Dr Alissa Knight, a clinical psychologist and owner of The Calming Suite, independence – like most things – becomes problematic when it’s taken to the extreme.
“Hyper-independence occurs when someone attempts to be so profoundly, fully independent in all things, even when they desperately need or would benefit from help from other people," says Knight.
What causes hyper-independence?
Hyper-independence is largely a protective emotional/stress response to childhood trauma.
“It mostly stems from early childhood experiences where a person learned that support wasn't reliable or being vulnerable led to being hurt or disappointed … Over time, our nervous systems learn that asking for help, or depending on other people, isn't safe,” Rachel Harker, clinical psychologist and founder of Tribal tells Body+Soul.
In a TikTok with six million views creator Madison Deane describes it as a defence mechanism for being constantly let down saying, “You develop hyper-independence so you cannot get hurt again.”
Social, cultural and environmental factors can also be contributing factors.
“It can result from what we were modelled, where that mentality becomes ingrained from a young age and then transforms into a personality trait,” explains Dr Knight.
Marketing manager, Sadie Beckett*, believes her hyper-independent tendencies are something she’s picked up from those around her.
“I feel like it's a learned behaviour. I definitely get it from my Mum, and I see it with my niece now too. I also have a strong group of girlfriends where everyone's very independent.”
Signs of hyper-independence
Hyper-independence can look different for everyone, but some common indicators include:
- Struggling to ask for, or accept, help – even with small things
- Fear of being seen as vulnerable
- Difficulty trusting others
- Low self-esteem
- Feeling guilty, weak or ashamed for being reliant on others
- Challenges forming close relationships
- Downplaying needs
- Issues with delegating
- Aversion to neediness in others
- Overly worried about becoming dependent on others.
Long-term effect of hyper-independence
Hyper-independence often starts as a form of self-protection, therefore, being extremely capable can initially feel quite empowering. Over time however, hyper-independence can cause more serious problems, such as:
#1. Strained relationships
Hyper-independence often becomes a source of friction in relationships. This is particularly apparent when one person wants to help the other but is routinely refused. Beckett says her hyper-independent tendencies caused some tension in the early stages of her relationship.
“My partner’s very generous with his time and money, which initially I found quite confronting. He'd offer to pick me up from work or drop me at the station, small things like that, and I would always say, ‘No. If I can't do it myself, I shouldn't be doing it.’”
#2. Burnout
Individuals who struggle to delegate or accept help will often take on too much or set themselves unrealistic workloads, which can lead to chronic stress and burnout.
#3. Missing out
“Without somebody ever leaning into support or help, they risk missing out on wonderful opportunities – whether that’s career, housing, travel, relationships etc.” says Dr Knight. “People with hyper-independence prefer to miss out on these experiences than ask for help.”
#4. Isolation
In extreme cases, hyper-independence can also lead to isolation. “It can cause individuals to become deeply lonely because their behaviour keeps people at an arm's length, which stops them from receiving the care and support they deserve,” adds Harker.
How to manage hyper-independence
If you’re struggling with an unwavering urge to do everything yourself, the experts recommend trying the following:
#1. Awareness and acceptance
According to Dr Knight, becoming aware that some of your behaviours are signs of hyper-independence is generally a good place to start.
“If this is something that's been ingrained in a person for 20 years … it might not be something they're consciously aware of. So, the first step is realising that you’re doing this. The second step is acceptance and the third step is asking yourself, ‘Do you want to change this?’”
#2. Work with a professional
Individuals who do want to change their hyper-independent behaviours are encouraged, where possible, to seek professional help.
“For people that are hyper-independent because of trauma, there’s likely a lot underlying why they're highly independent. Working with a professional can really help shift some of those long-held beliefs around trust, safety, work etc. and can start to challenge the belief that they have to do things alone,” comments Harker.
Likewise, the experts advise that methods such as cognitive behavioural therapy, EMDR, plus schema, sound, polyvagal and somatic therapies can also be helpful in treating underlying aspects of trauma.
#3. Start small
In order to get better at asking for or accepting help, the experts recommend starting with something low stakes.
“Start with a smaller task that's not quite so meaningful and test it out to see how it feels,” advises Harker. “If you can, do that a few times and build up from there. Use the safe, trusted people in your life to open the door ever so slightly and let them in.”
#4. Talk about it
According to the experts, talking about hyper-independence, even just amongst friends, can be beneficial. Beckett says she and her partner had a conversation around the discomfort she initially experienced accepting his help early on in their relationship. Following this, they came up with a strategy that put her more at ease.
“He could see I was uncomfortable with him paying for things like dinners out. To balance it out more we agreed I’d get our coffees in the morning, which helped me feel like I was still contributing.”
#5. Be gentle with yourself
Adopting new approaches isn’t always easy, but the experts say remembering we are wired for connection is essential.
“It's really important to remind yourself that human connection and asking for help isn't a sign of weakness,” says Harker. “We're all human and we weren't meant to do life by ourselves.”
“Even very capable adults encounter challenges they just can't tackle on their own – at some point, we all need help,” adds Dr Knight.
As for Beckett, though she says it’s taken her a long time to get comfortable with accepting help, it’s getting easier.
“[Hyper-independence] is still ingrained in me, but people genuinely do want to help and over time I’ve gotten better at accepting that help when it’s offered.”
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