James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2019 episode 1
The Bachelorette’s Angie has been dissed and fooled by a slimy contestant who lied. It all unravels with a teary meltdown, James Weir recaps.
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Tears from a hysterical tantrum stain the premiere of The Bachelorette when one creepy slimeball disses Angie and then fools her before framing an innocent gentlemen and pushing him to the brink of a meltdown.
Surprised? No. The only people who know how to cry and throw hissy fits better than girls are grown men.
The girls of The Bachelor are stoic roughnecks who can roll with the toughest of them. These boys are sensitive lambs. They’re in touch with their emotions and they bruise easy.
Former Goggleboxer Angie Kent has shrugged off her old life of laying around on that big red couch and criticising television shows. She’s now bravely putting herself forward as The Bachelorette despite the risk of being criticised by her former co-stars in upcoming episodes of Gogglebox. Ah, synchronicity.
A total of 20 fellas roll in on the bus and pull up outside The Bachelorette mansion which, until two weeks ago, was The Bachelor mansion. It took a fortnight to steam clean the girls’ moulting hair out of the carpets and scrub the fake tan off the grout in the bathroom tiles, but the joint is in an adequate state to now be ruined by boys and the grease that somehow always seems to be on their hands.
It’s the same drill as always. Most of the guys look unwashed and probably smell like price-reduced Chemist Warehouse cologne. And because this is a reality show, they’ve all invested in veneers from some kind of Gold Coast Instagram dentist. It seems it’s a prerequisite for all reality TV contestants to look like they’ve stolen their teeth from a cartoon character. Give me gum disease and a gold molar crown any day.
So, let’s meet these carefully screened and cherrypicked bozos.
Australia, please meet Timm — and yes, his name is spelt with, like, a million Ms. Fine, it’s just two Ms but it’s still an unnecessary abundance. He’s a super sweet guy who foraged for these wild sunflowers in the woodlands in which he resides.
Angie adores sunflowers — she sees them as a sign from her nan and wants to know why they’re so significant to Timmmm. He even has a sunflower tattooed on his hand.
“I don’t know, like, I just think when you’re having a bad day and when you got them in ya house, like, you can be having bad day, bad day, bad day, and then — BOOM: sunflowers,” he drawls.
I promptly pull out my will and add in strict stipulations to ban all sunflowers from my funeral because, after this chat, I never want to see or have my corpse be in the presence of one ever again.
But that’s enough with the sarcasm — it’s time to take this esteemed show seriously because someone very eligible is about to arrive.
Jamie is a firefighter with muscles and a puppy. He’s probably also Mr December in those mildly-pornographic fireman calendars that get sold by charities out the front of supermarkets.
What I’m trying to say is, the game is over — shut it down. Wadda hunk.
Just as we begin to scheme about how we can steal Jamie from Angie, our focus is broken when sleazy DJ beats start thumping. Obviously A Very Cool Guy is about to arrive.
Australia, please meet “luxury car sales executive” Kayde. Dressed as a lifeguard, he jogs on down to Angie and we can’t tell if he’s in character or just naturally a tosser. Turns out, he’s both.
“I know how much you like movies. Is this ringing any bells?” he prompts Angie, leaning back to show off the costume.
“You’re … David Hasselhoff?” she ventures.
“We’re getting there … there might be another guy I’m tryna be,” he winks.
“Um … Zac Efron was in Baywatch?” she blindly shoots before landing a bullseye.
“The fact I didn’t pick up on the Zac Efron vibe was super cringe,” she confides in us.
No Angie. The fact a used-car salesman reckons he exhibits an uncanny resemblance to Zac Efron is what’s super cringe.
There’s a chance I’m just being too critical, so let’s maybe rework my jaded outlook. OK. Kayde looks as much like Zac Efron as that oldest and less successful Hemsworth brother looks like Thor.
What do we think of Not Zac Efron? I’d willingly hurl my body into a rip at king tide and let it drag me out to sea, just to get away from him.
After this guy who doesn’t look like Zac Efron jogs out, I decide to make a brief cameo just to ensure everything is on track.
It’s around now we meet a guy who says he’s a politician from Noosa but I’m pretty sure he’s just the spokesman for a chain of discount furniture stores called The Furniture King.
Then we meet the most eligible of the bachelors: Angie’s cute little bother Brad. Ugh, we always knew those Gogglebox girls were into freaky stuff. Look, his mission is to go undercover as a potential suitor and infiltrate the mansion to hear all the smack those other clowns are saying. His alias is “Mark” which is a little disappointing because aliases are supposed to be a bit more fun than that. They could’ve gone with something like Orion or Gunner.
Inside the mansion, Osher gathers the boys and shares with them something big. There’s a new rule in tonight’s series premiere and it has the power to ruin lives and maybe even destroy the entire earth. The Yellow Rose. It means everything but also nothing at all.
The person who receives it will get to spend 24 whole hours with Angie on their first single date. Wow. A 24-hour-long first date that won’t end with any kind of physical satisfaction. Sounds tedious.
What happens at the end of the 24 hours when the clock strikes midnight? The yellow rose turns into a pumpkin and Angie is sent back to live with Yvie who makes her scrub the floor and watch bad TV.
Someone else who is absolutely not interested in spending 24 hours with Angie is politician Jess — aka The Furniture King in that cape.
“It’s just interesting about the 24-hour rose. People are like, ‘Yeah, it’s good, it’s good!’ I would honestly give the 24-hour rose away,” he smirks. His lack of interest in spending time with Angie — which is, like, the main purpose of being here — sends shockwaves around the mansion.
Angie’s cute covert little brother overhears The Furniture King dissing his big sister and he decides to spill all to her.
“Are you f**king kidding me?” Angie blurts out. “Oooooh. That really gets me cross.”
She pulls aside that cape-wearing bozo and pledges to scold him. She asks him point blank whether he said he’d reject the yellow rose and he squirms and slithers his slimy way out of it.
“I’m here for you, my girl, OK?” he smiles. Ew. My girl. Get out. “Darling, why would I do that? I said, ‘If Angie didn’t give me a rose, I would accept that.”
Lies! He’s spinning the truth! It’s like he’s a … a … a politician? Still, Angie is fooled by this sneaky little jerk.
He returns to the lounge room and slumps in his Fantastic Furniture throne before launching an attack on the guys for outing him. He blames the hunky hunky firefighter who promptly throws a hissy fit and cries.
“That’s low! I’m so pissed off at you for blaming me! You need to find out who it actually was!” he wails and the slimy politician shoves him back. Bold move from someone wearing a costume cape. “Don’t push me! Don’t put your hands on me!” the firefighter sobs.
The firefighter is positively distraught and runs into the garden to break down.
“When people don’t trust me, I feel worthless. It’s brought out this negative energy that wasn’t even in me. I feel like crying right now,” he says, already crying. “And I did nothing wrong. I put a lot of effort into this whole process and for someone to just come and do that to me and just blindside me … I’m blindsided!”
By now, tears are streaming down his face. He’s crushed.
“I run through burning buildings and it doesn’t affect me but then someone tries to manipulate my emotions and … it’s just hard … I’m just pretty upset. I don’t even know how to come back from this.”
To make matters worse, someone whips out an acoustic guitar and sings a song they’ve written. Watching amateur musicians perform songs they’ve written is perhaps the most excruciating thing you can witness.
Angie feels so awkward about having to sit still and listen to Carlin’s entire song that she just gives him the yellow rose.
It has been about two hours and the cloud of all these mixed Chemist Warehouse colognes is beginning to settle over the backyard and make everyone dizzy. We sound the alarm and herd the fellas inside for the rose ceremony.
Everyone is overt in their desire for Angie to boot out the slimy politician Jess who’s still wearing his costume cape.
“What’s there not to like about me? I’m quite nice and I’m cute and I’ve got a nice smile,” he grimaces.
Sure.
We send home two guys called Oliver and Josh and those names are completely unfamiliar to us. It’s not even worth including their photos because putting faces to the names will just enhance our lack of familiarity with who these gentlemen are.
Do I also need to make it clear that Angie’s cute little brother is now out of the competition and no longer in the running to date his sister?
Well, at least we think he is.
For more observations on living underground and achieving royal style for peasant prices, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
Originally published as James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2019 episode 1
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