Sharni Williams reveals her family turmoil after marrying partner Mel Smale

Marrying the love of her life has cost Sevens champion Sharni Williams her family. The torture of them not accepting her and the lies which spread were hurtful, but didn’t destroy her.

Marrying the love of her life has cost Australian Rugby Sevens champion Sharni Williams her family, but there is a joy in her that cannot be vanquished.

She’s fought bitterly hard, and experienced unrivalled bliss, to despair too long about the estrangement from her mother and father.

Having changed her name to Sharni Smale after marrying partner Mel Smale on February 16, the 34-year-old has opened up on her heartbreaking journey.

“Losing my parents is extremely tough, but I’ve got to look after me, I’ve got to look after us, and I’ve got to look after our future,” Sharni said, clutching Mel’s hand.

“When I started doing a lot of work on myself, and realising my upbringing wasn’t the best - that’s not their fault, they only know a certain way of parenting and that’s OK.

“They were super supportive of my sport. And that’s where they’re supportive, and continue to be there, but it’s hard to accept negative comments about my personal life.

Sharni Williams and her wife Mel Smale

“I was getting hurt with certain comments coming at me, so I was like, ‘I’m not going to talk to you about Mel, I’m going to talk to you about footy or me, and that’s it’.

“It’s tough, I’m a fixer of the family, I make sure everything is running smoothly and people are OK and everyone else is happy, that was my default when things weren’t going right and people weren’t talking.”

Eight months ago, the talking stopped.

Sharni, who came out as lesbian to the world when she wore rainbow headgear at the Tokyo Olympics in 2021, had let her family know much earlier, but realised last year they would never support her marriage to Mel.

Sharni Williams of Australia runs in a try

When her family showed up unannounced at the Sydney Sevens last month, Smale ignored them.

“I’m really strong on that field, now I need to be strong off the field, I’m a rugby player off the field now too,” Sharni said.

“When I see someone say something bad, or see my parents show up at a game, it’s like OK, you’re just a fan like everybody else, because that’s the only way you want to be.

“You want to be there in my sport, but you don’t want to be there in my life.

“I feel really strong and powerful to stand here and go, I’ve made that decision.

“It’s for us, but it’s for me, I need to look after me because we’ve only got one life.”

The 2016 Rio Olympics gold medallist isn’t the first, and won’t be the last gay person to lose relationships because of their true identity.

For Smale, finding her true self has been the most rewarding discovery, because along that road she’s found others who have held their arms out as she’s allowed herself to fall backwards.

Changing her name was not easy.

“It’s a massive decision, but it’s a fresh start for me,” she said. And then the pain is evident, as her voice quivers and tears stream, when she adds: “It’s the family that has accepted me.”

Mel’s parents attended the couple’s wedding and had earlier given their blessing when Sharni had asked before she proposed on New Year’s Eve 2021.

Williams took partner Smale’s name

Sharni Williams and partner Mel Smale

For Mel, the name change “was a surprise”.

“I knew I didn’t want to change my name because I’m adopted, it’s really important for me to keep my name,” Mel said.

“So I thought we would just keep our names, because I was thinking ‘Sharni Williams the athlete’.

“She came to me and said, ‘I want to change my name to yours’.”

There was no going back.

“Knowing that we’re connected together, like booking into hotels together as The Smales, not Williams and Smale like we’re best friends, it’s that public visibility and recognition,” Sharni said.

The pair first met in 2015, and got serious a year later, when Mel moved from Queensland to Sydney to live with Sharni.

Previously married to a man, and with two adult children, 49-year-old Mel railed against her nature to remain silent while watching Sharni’s relationship with her family deteriorate.

“It’s been torturous, I have been - in their minds - the catalyst for the entire breakdown of their relationship,” Mel said.

“And there were lots of stories and lies woven around that which it made it hard because I didn’t defend myself against it, I didn’t want to be creating more of a fight.

“When I came out and told my family, which was obviously much later in life, initially the reception wasn’t great – I did hit them from left field with it.

“But I was very cutthroat because I was very strong in myself and who I was, and this is the person I wanted to be with, so you’re either on board or you’re not, and I’ll be OK either way.

“That’s what I did at the start of our relationship, so for them to see her, my parents have come around and they’re absolutely amazing, great support of us both – she’s probably the favourite.

“In my mind that seemed a simple solution because in my mind that’s how it is, black and white, and it worked.

“So for me to see Sharni constantly trying to resolve and fix and get beaten down, it was a rollercoaster the whole time, at times I thought, ‘This is destroying you’.

“But I couldn’t pass judgment and say to her, ‘You should do this’. It had to be her. I just had to be witness to it and be a support for her.

Australian Womens Rugby Player Sharni Williams and her partner Mel Smale

“For a long time I kept quiet, because I didn’t want to be the person who created the division.

“I went against my personal ethos by remaining quiet because that’s definitely not me, I’m one to stand up for myself. But for a long time I didn’t say anything.

“More in recent years, seeing the damage and the harm it was doing Sharni, it was like I actually have to. So we did stand up, together.

“Just doing that and putting the boundaries in place around our relationship has made us so much stronger.

“Now to see where she is, and who she is and how she’s evolved, she’s just got such internal strength. Which has always been there, but now she recognises it in herself more.”

It is evident in how comfortable Sharni has become in talking about the uncomfortable.

She’d had a previous girlfriend, but when they broke up her family tried to set up her up with men. She is certain they believe being gay is a passing phase for her.

“It’s pretty rough, they say they’re supportive but it comes to moments where they’re not supportive of Mel, they get quite jealous of me spending time with her,” Sharni said.

“You don’t get to choose who you love, I fell in love with Mel. And you don’t get to choose your family, and unfortunately they don’t support that part of it.

“But Mel has brought me happiness, given me an identity of who I am as well as what rugby has given me. The fact she is so supportive of what I do, I’ve never had that before.”

It is a happy coincidence that Sharni and Mel married just before Sydney’s first World Pride Festival – they’ll delay the honeymoon and celebrate in the Harbour City first.

“The Yes vote was pretty important for the both of us, but also for our community, to be able to be recognised within society, and that we can actually be married and have that commitment,” Sharni said.

“But also, if one of us were to get sick and in hospital, we have the actual right to make decisions. It doesn’t come back to our parents making decisions.

“That’s a big thing for me, my parents don’t support me. The fact I have Mel to make decisions if that was to happen, was a reason for us to get married.”

In front of 60 guests, the couple wed outdoors at Clareville Beach, with Sharni in a white suit and New Zealand-born Mel wearing a stunning glittering white dress.

Two very different walks of life. Two worlds in union.

“We have a lot of balance, we make time for each other, we work really hard on our relationship,” Sharni said.

“And that’s what you have to do, you have friendships you work hard for, but when you’re in love with someone, you call this unconditional love but I see it as working extra hard for each other.

“You might not always see eye-to-eye, but it’s about working through that and having conversations, and I never knew that was possible.”

Mel’s heart swelled with pride when Sharni lobbied the International Olympic Committee – known for refuting political gestures – to wear her Gilbert-designed rainbow headgear at the Tokyo Games.

Sharni said: “Tokyo was that first worldwide time (being out) especially with my headgear, the reason for the headgear was that I didn’t want any other kid to feel the way I have.

“There are so many kids out there feeling that way, there are so many adults feeling that way, especially around sport. It’s really hard to accept yourself when other people aren’t accepting you.

“That was a milestone for me, like wow, that’s Sharni Williams from Batlow, a little country kid that dreamt of being an Olympian since eight years old, is now fully accepted of herself.

“It was a celebration of me, it was a celebration for that little kid, but it was also – I’m here to support, I’m here to be visible, to show people there is a journey and pathway that you can accept and love yourself.

Shannon Parry, Sharni Williams and Nicole Beck celebrate winning the 2016 Rio Olympic Women's Rugby Sevens

“I had to go on a number of Zooms with the IOC, worked alongside our media guy Harrison [Wakeling], having meetings and talking about ‘This is going to be a political statement’ and in Japan at the time it wasn’t great for gays to be around.

“So I knew there was going to be some backlash, but I also went, ‘I’ll take it. I’ve copped enough in society and if I’m going to stand on the world stage, then I’m going to have some tough skin’, and I’ve worked hard to develop tough skin.

“I’m accepting of myself, and that’s all that matters right now.

“I had to pitch to them why I wanted to wear the rainbow headgear. As I said to them, it’s a celebration, it’s a meaning of hope, but also a visibility piece for our people to be able to be accepted within the game, and accept themselves.”

Which is why, one year after her courageous statement, Sharni was disappointed to see the negativity around Manly Sea Eagles’ pride jumper, when seven players refused to play an NRL match because they didn’t want to wear it.

“When you’re preaching and believing in your God, well, we believe in God, we go to church, we’re accepted at the Uniting Church in Forestville, they’ve got some amazing older generation people who are accepting of us,” Sharni said.

“I don’t walk through that church and get burnt.

“It’s the Old Testament versus the New Testament, it’s not necessarily educating them on how hurtful it is for us, it’s us being educated on why they believe that as well, there’s got to be a two-way street.

“When the Manly stuff came out, I could see both sides, I felt for those boys for not being told about the jersey, so they could go home and have that conversation with their families.

“They’re young boys who want to impress their families and stay true to their religion and beliefs.

“I get that part, but also, your sport is accepting of everybody. So when you sign that contract, you have to have that equality, like any job. It’s your choice to sign the contract, if you don’t want to accept anyone else that’s OK, but don’t play.

“It’s a massive conversation to be had.”

Mel adds: “My parents are very religious, I come from a very religious family, so you can say you’re going to protest because of your religious beliefs but these are near 80-year-olds who, despite their religious beliefs, have been fully accepting of Sharni and I.”

And for two women who describe each other as “my forever”, acceptance is forever welcome.

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