Forget the real Melbourne Cup form guide. This is the guide for people who know nothing about racing

FORGET the official Melbourne Cup form guides. Here’s what you really need to know about the horses in this year’s race.

International Horse's trackwork at Werribee Racecourse, The Peter Chapple- Hyam trained Arod smiles for the camera. Melbourne. ,16th October 2015. Picture: Colleen Petch.

IT’S on again. The race that stops the nation getting any work done. Here’s the only form guide you need.

1. SNOW SKY

Trainer: Sir Michael Stoute. Jockey: Ryan Moore. Barrier: 16. Odds: $41

Like English food, English weather and English rugby, this English horse is very, very ordinary. A plodding type with a mind-numbingly boring personality, he will amble along somewhere in midfield and stay there the whole race. For some reason, the handicapper has given him the topweight of 58kgs, which suggests he’s the best-credentialed horse in the race. That’s the type of dry, ironic humour the horse’s British connections would understand only too well.

2. CRITERION

Trainer: David Hayes and Tom Dabernig. Jockey: Michael Walker Barrier: 4. Odds: $15

It’s the oldest refrain in Australian sport: Will he get the distance? Criterion is unquestionably one of Australia’s two or three best middle distance horses, but can he run the gruelling two miles of the Melbourne Cup? The experts who write proper form guides are unanimous in saying “distance a query”. Thanks, Einsteins. You spend your whole life writing about horse racing and the best you can say is “we have no idea”. In your next life guys, try politics. You’ll fit right in.

3. FAME GAME

Trainer: Yoshitada Munakata. Jockey: Zac Purton. Barrier: 12. Odds: $4.40

This Japanese horse is the Melbourne Cup favourite on account of its fast-finishing sixth in the Caulfield Cup. Cynics believe it treated that race as a warm-up gallop instead of trying its hardest to win. Cynics of the cynics say they’re reading too much into it, and that Fame Game was merely blocked for a run. We just hope Fame Game finishes better than last year’s Melbourne Cup favourite, the Japanese horse Admire Rakti, which died during the race.

4. OUR IVANHOWE

Trainer: Lee & Anthony Freedman. Jockey: Ben Melham. Barrier: 22. Odds: $18

Last year, this esteemed form guide predicted that the German horse Protectionist would win the Melbourne Cup in the same year as Germany won the FIFA World Cup. We were right too. So here we have another German horse. Can he win? Well, Our Ivanhowe ran a great third in the Caulfield Cup, then spent the ensuing fortnight blowing his prizemoney on beer and lederhosen while dancing the chicken dance. This has primed him beautifully for Tuesday.

5. BIG ORANGE

Trainer: Michael Bell. Jockey: James Spencer. Barrier: 23. Odds: $61

This former French beast is now in an Irish stable and answers to the stable name “Ranga”. His Dad is a stallion called Duke of Marmalade, hence the citrus-themed name. Form-wise, this horse is a lemon. Big Orange has been running in jumps races, which is where really slow racehorses end up. So basically, Big Orange has about as much chance of winning this race as its novelty namesake in Berri in the South Australian Riverland.

Does this look like a Melbourne Cup winner to you? Pic: Tricia Watkinson

6. HARTNELL

Trainer: John O’Shea. Jockey: James McDonald. Barrier: 17. Odds: $31

Every year, Dubai’s Godolphin stable tries to win the Melbourne Cup and fails. It drives Dubai’s rulers mad that they can build palm trees in the ocean, ski slopes in the desert and a legal system the envy of comedians everywhere, yet they’ve finished second in the Melbourne Cup on three occasions. Hartnell is a decent horse trained by the stable’s man in Sydney. He’s got some hope if he runs on the Emirates schedule rather than the Qantas one where everything is 30 minutes late.

7. HOKKO BRAVE

Trainer: Yasutoshi Matsunaga. Jockey: Craig Williams. Barrier: 20. Odds: $35

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why is this horse in the Melbourne Cup? Both undertakings seem equally pointless. Hokko Brave ran a ponderous, uninspiring 10th in the Caulfield Cup, which tells you all you need to know. His Australian jockey Craig Williams is convinced the horse is better than that, but then Williams probably also believes he’s a frontrunner to be the main man in the next Bachelor series. Dreams are free. Losing bets aren’t.

8. MAX DYNAMITE

Trainer: Willie Mullins. Jockey: Frankie Dettori. Barrier: 2. Odds: $13

Exploded onto the scene and blasted his way into Melbourne Cup contention with a good win in a thing called the Lonsdale Cup in Ireland. But this former French hay-muncher still looks to be several grades below the best horses in this field, and punters would be entitled to blow up big time if he wins. His jockey is a champion who has been trying to win this race for years, though it must be said his temperament is a little volatile.

9. RED CADEAUX

Trainer: Ed Dunlop. Jockey: Gerald Mosse. Barrier: 8. Odds: $21

Life is unfair, racing doubly so. Ten-year-old marvel Red Cadeaux has run second three times in this race, the first time by a pixel in that unforgettable 2011 photo finish, most recently last year. His unlucky deeds are part of Melbourne Cup folklore, but the real tragedy is that Red Cadeaux should be every mare’s dream. Think about it. Who doesn’t want a lover who always comes second? Alas, Red Cadeaux is a gelding.

If Red Cadeaux had eaten just one more oat that fateful morning in 2011... AP Photo/Racing Victoria

10. TRIP TO PARIS

Trainer: Ed Dunlop. Jockey: Tommy Berry. Barrier: 14. Odds: $7

Have you long yearned to visit the city of lovers with a special somebody? Stroll arm-in-arm under the Eiffel Tower sharing a chocolate éclair, your cream-covered tongues drawing ever closer? Eeew, sorry about that. Point is, this horse could get you to Paris. It won the Ascot Gold Cup in England, then ran a strong second in the Caulfield Cup. Trainer Ed Dunlop, of Red Cadeaux fame, deserves some luck. But not as much as you deserve that chocolate éclair under the Eiffel Tower.

11. WHO SHOT THEBARMAN

Trainer: Chris Waller. Jockey: Blake Shinn. Barrier: 6. Odds: $21

This seven-year-old is in pretty good form and ran third in this race last year so he’s not the worst horse in the field. Unfortunately Victoria Police have worked out that it was in fact Who Shot Thebarman who shot the barman, and they plan to arrest him midrace in a daring sting operation in conjunction with the Australian Border Force, who’ve been looking for something useful to do since the aborted Operation Fortitude.

12. SKY HUNTER

Trainer: Saeed bin Suroor. Jockey: William Buick. Barrier: 7. Odds: $35

As mentioned above, Dubai’s Godolphin stable is desperate to win this race in which they have finished second on three occasions. That makes it all the more perplexing why they would send over an animal as hopeless as this clumsy oaf. There’s a strong rumour Sky Hunter is actually a camel disguised as a horse. If it spits on Francesca Cumani’s dress in the mounting yard, you’ll know the rumour is true. Actually, we’d really like to see that for all sorts of reasons.

13. THE OFFER

Trainer: Gai Waterhouse. Jockey: Damien Oliver. Barrier: 13. Odds: $26

Here is an offer anyone can refuse. This miserable plodding donkey with four left hooves is a product of the Gai Waterhouse stable, but is not worthy of raking up the horse manure of Gai’s 2013 winner Fiorente. The Offer won the Bendigo Cup last week but that’s like winning your school talent show and expecting to win an Oscar the following week. On the plus side, three-time Cup-winning jockey Damien Oliver takes the ride.

The Offer has one eye on the nation’s greatest racing prize. Picture Jay Town.

14. GRAND MARSHAL

Trainer: Chris Waller. Jockey: Jim Cassidy. Barrier: 15. Odds: $41

Retiring jockey Jim Cassidy holds a unique piece of Melbourne Cup history. He won this race coming from last-to-first on Kiwi in 1983, then led all the way on Might and Power in 1997. Can Cassidy go out with a bang? Unlikely. Grand Marshal is in good form, and won this year’s Sydney Cup over the same distance. But comparing those races is like comparing Sydney coffee to Melbourne coffee. Yes, we used this line last year. We’ll probably use it next year too.

15. PREFERMENT

Trainer: Chris Waller. Jockey: Hugh Bowman. Barrier: 11. Odds: $9

On Derby Day, which is the big raceday before Melbourne Cup day, jovial racegoers drink too much and indulge in an eight hour vomit-a-thon which showcases everything that’s wonderful about the Spring Carnival. Derby Day, you’ll be intrigued to learn, also has a horse race called the Derby. Who knew? Preferment won it last year and could easily win this year’s Melbourne Cup — just like Efficient did in 2006/07. Australia’s hottest jockey Hugh Bowman is another plus.

16. QUEST FOR MORE

Trainer: Roger Charlton. Jockey: Damian Lane. Barrier: 21. Odds: $81

This Irish-bred stayer has had four starts over the Melbourne Cup distance of 3200m and never finished worse than third. Problem is, his recent form is appalling. Quest for Life secretly wants to be a sheep and hang out in paddocks all day doing nothing. His woeful 16th in last week’s Geelong Cup is evidence of this. Despite that poor run, his trainer still thinks he can win the Melbourne Cup. That’s because racehorse trainers are all certifiably insane.

17. ALMOONQITH

Trainer: David Hayes and Tom Dabernig. Jockey: Dwayne Dunn. Barrier: 10. Odds: $16

Good horse, terrible Scrabble hand. This oddly named fellow just won the Geelong Cup, and quite impressively at that. He’s probably not in the very top bracket of horses in this year’s Melbourne Cup, but trainer David Hayes knows how to win a Melbourne Cup, having done so with Jeune in 1994. Geelong Cup winners have a good record in the Melbourne Cup in recent years too, so there is reason for confidence.

The mane man: James McDonald rides Almoonqith to the easiest of Geelong Cup wins. Photo by Michael Dodge/Getty Images.

18. KINGFISHER

Trainer: Aidan O’Brien. Jockey: Colm O’Donoghue. Barrier: 9. Odds: $41

Kingfisher ran second to Trip to Paris in the Ascot Gold Cup, but has since put in a couple of shockers in Ireland, where he’s trained. In fact his recent form is laughable. As laughable, you might say, as a kookaburra, which the avian-minded among you will know is a type of Kingfisher. Sorry, terrible segue. But not as terrible as this horse, who should be sent home ASAP like Johnny Depp’s dogs.

19. PRINCE OF PENZANCE

Trainer: Darren Weir. Jockey: Michelle Payne. Barrier: 1. Odds: $101

Every year, there are always a couple of Melbourne Cup horses which couldn’t win the race with a 100m headstart and a jetpack on their rear fetlocks. Prince of Penzance has a good trainer, jockey and barrier. But if you draw him in your office sweep, your best bet is to swap tickets sneakily with the office drunk. Either that or quit your job.

20. BONDI BEACH

Trainer: Aidan O’Brien. Jockey: Brett Prebble. Barrier: 18. Odds: $23

This annoying hipster horse with a beard instead of a mane is just three years old and the youngest horse in the race. Trained out of Ireland and vetted by Dr Chris Brown, Bondi Beach will start Melbourne Cup morning with a surf, then spend three hours sipping kale smoothies served in jars, before totally forgetting to go to the races while it does nude Pilates. Not that it would want to compete in the Melbourne Cup anyway. It’s, like, sooooo mainstream.

That’s just wrong.

21. SERTORIUS

Trainer: Jamie Edwards. Jockey: Craig Newitt. Barrier: 5. Odds: $126

The pundits who write proper form guides for a living are all saying Sertorius “could run a race at big odds”. He’ll run a race, all right. He’ll just run it a minute slower than any other horse in the field. In fact he’ll probably still be running when the next race jumps. Maybe back him to be first past the post in that race.

22. THE UNITED STATES

Trainer: Robert Hickmott. Jockey: Joao Moreira. Barrier: 3. Odds: $20

Saddled with a debt of $18 trillion, this once great nation has assumed equine form to try to earn some foreign currency. Too bad about the Aussie dollar exchange rate, eh? Trainer Robert Hickmott is the only former AFL player to train a Melbourne Cup winner (Green Moon, 2012) but unfortunately, the United States will be outclassed by the internationals. That happens a lot these days.

23. EXCESS KNOWLEDGE

Trainer: Gai Waterhouse. Jockey: Kerrin McEvoy. Barrier: 24. Odds: $35

Won the Lexus Stakes on Saturday by a nostril hair to qualify at the last minute for this race. Trainer Gai Waterhouse subsequently declared in her typically understated way that he would run in the Melbourne Cup and that he’d win. Lexus Stakes winners do have a great record in the Melbourne Cup in recent years, so be sure to turn the sound down on the telly if Excess Knowledge wins because a gushing Gai Waterhouse is something no man or woman should be forced to listen to.

24. GUST OF WIND

Trainer: John Sargent. Jockey: Chad Schofield. Barrier: 19. Odds: $35

This mare has raced just nine times and looks to have a breezy future. The problem is, her three wins have all come in NSW, where they race clockwise. In Victoria, where they race the other way, Gust of Wind has never run a place. She did run a good fourth in the Caulfield Cup though, so she’s not all hot air. Anyway, just watch the video below. It was a minor race at Scone in NSW, which is no guide to a horse’s Melbourne Cup chances. All the same, you won’t believe the way Gust of Wind storms down the outside to win.

OUR TIPS

1. Be nice to your mother

2. Don’t bet too much

3. If you are having a bet, try Trip to Paris, Preferment, Our Ivanhowe or Criterion. In days gone by, you looked for horses finishing midfield in their races which were clearly crying out for the extra distance of the Cup. But that doesn’t seem to work anymore. Melbourne Cup winners in recent years have all had strong form on the board in the immediate lead-up runs, and that’s why we remain just a touch sceptical of race favourite Fame Game. Good luck!

Originally published as Forget the real Melbourne Cup form guide. This is the guide for people who know nothing about racing