Boo Bailey’s A to Z of the 2015 Melbourne Cup

THE Daily Telegraph cartoonist Boo Bailey puts his spin on this year’s Melbourne Cup.

THE Daily Telegraph cartoonist Boo Bailey puts his spin on this year’s Melbourne Cup.

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A is for ARCHER

Folklore has the first Cup winner walking from Sydney to Melbourne to win inaugural two-mile race. Lucky for connections they didn’t leave from the CBD as he never would have made it.

B is for BOTOX

Fast overtaking the fake tan as the must have racing accessory and there will be more of this stuff flowing on course than Crown lager. Helps you look like you’ve backed a winner even when you’ve lost!

Archer and Botox.

C is for CLOCKTOWER

Jockeys are told to count to ten before making their runs when passing here. This has proved a problem over the years ... mainly the counting part.

D is for DETTORI

Frankie to his mates. Veteran Italian jockey who has had more horsepower underneath him over the years than Ferrari. Unfortunately when it comes to Melbourne he has the navigational skill of their cabbies, having eleven starts for eleven misses. ‘Arrivederci’ to your cash if you draw him in the sweep.

Gai’s Excess Knowledge and Fame Game.

E is for EXCESS KNOWLEDGE

Gai Waterhouse-trained charge who earned a Cup start after surviving a protest on Saturday. Stewards decided to dismiss the objection taking the Singo approach ... you can’t win an argument with Gai!

F for FAME GAME

Like it’s name suggests ... a showy type who will no doubt parade like an A-lister. Interesting bloodlines. Related to former champion sire now broodmare Caitlan. International visitor famous for not doing a lot (particularly in the Caulfield Cup) ... remind you of someone?

G for GUST OF WIND

Sydney filly named after question time in Canberra. Landed a tsunami of bets when she won the ATC Oaks at Randwick in the autumn. In the market but has a tendency to blow in the betting.

H is for HOKKO BRAVE

One of two Japanese runners here to try and pinch the Cup for a second time. Will be trained to the minute by YASUTOSHI MATSUNAGA, nicknamed ‘scrabble’ by the local boys at trackwork.

I is for INTEREST RATES

Forget the bookies board, keep an eye on this fluctuation ... it could be your only collect of the day.

Jockeys and The Cups King.

J is for JOCKEYS

The little men with the big job. Under strict instructions from stewards to ride with care and respect. Also under strict instructions from punters to do no such thing.

K is for KING

James Bartholomew Cummings. 89 Cup runners, 12 winners — one legend.

L is for LONGSHOT

This year it’s Sertorius, and surely you can’t be sertorius if you’re thinking of

backing this bloke. At $201 connections have informed stewards they plan on riding the horse back in the field ... probably about 30 lengths from the winner.

Longshots and James McDonald.

M is for MCDONALD

No, not Ronald, but ace jockey James. Has been eating nothing but lettuce in preparation for the big race and it will be a Mac attack with quarter-pounders all around if he manages to be first home past the golden arches.

N is for NIL PAY

Those two gut wrenching words that flash up on the tote machine when you try to collect on your horse ... that ran thirteenth.

O is for OUR IVANHOWE

French horse trained by the renowned party-throwing stable the Freedmans. They will drink the track dry of Moet if it wins.

P is for PUMPER

Jimmy Cassidy — the only jockey in the field older than Red Cadeaux ... similar sized noses too. Will retire after the carnival to resume celebrating the All Blacks, err New Zealand’s World Cup victory.

Q is for QUADDIE

A degree in economics, nerves of steel and pockets of a Packer are all needed to land this today. Harder to pick than the Batchelorette winner.

Red Cadeaux and Sky Hunter.

R is for RED CADEAUX

10-year-old who’ll be easy to spot behind the gates sporting a barrier blanket, slippers and a Thermos. As per usual — friendless in betting, given no chance and certain to run a place ... again!

S is for SKY HUNTER

Imported galloper from the wealthy Godolphin stable who’s best form is on an oily track. Jetted in first class from Dubai courtesy of Emirates and has been quarantining at Crown Towers while the rest of the overseas riff-raff were down the road at Werribee.

T is for TAB OUTLET

Absolute chaos. Giant queues, lack of pens, piles of how-to-cards and people walking around aimlessly. A bit like election day ... minus the sausage sandwiches.

United States, VIPs and Chris Waller.

U is for THE UNITED STATES

Trumped-up stallion who’s aiming high with this campaign. Tongue tie and blinkers both on after stirring up the mares recently. Apprentice jockey has been fired and new hoop will have his hands full if the wind gets up.

V is for VIP AREA

AKA the Birdcage. Where the beautiful people, and the Edelstens, hang. Don’t even attempt to get in here unless you’ve won The Block, a Gold Logie or a Brownlow.

W is for WALLER

As in Chris. Champion horseman who has three live chances in the race. Will be acclaimed as an Aussie trainer if he wins ... and a Kiwi trainer if he doesn’t.

The cross on your TAB ticket and Zac Purton.

X is for X

The little cross you put in the wrong box on the wrong ticket every year.

Y is for WHY

Why did I agree to do this again this year!

Z is for ZAC PURTON

Aussie born, Hong Kong-based, Japanese riding jockey. Phew! Will be easy to spot in the mounting yard, he’ll be the one surrounded by translators. Looking forward to the victory speech in three different languages if he wins.

OUR CUP TIP

ALMOONQITH (No. 17)

We’re hoping the hardest horse to pronounce is the hardest horse to get past down the Flemington straight ... Good trainer, good jockey, good luck!

Originally published as Boo Bailey’s A to Z of the 2015 Melbourne Cup