Rugby World Cup final: A Walla-beating for the cowering Kiwis

ANYONE worried about Australia falling foul of New Zealand in the Rugby World Cup final this weekend need only remember one simple fact.

ANYONE worried about Australia falling foul of New Zealand in the Rugby World Cup final this weekend need only remember one simple fact.

The English language is the most expressive and descriptive lexicon of words in human history, and yet not once has it ever produced the phrase: “As scary as a kiwi.”

It says a lot about New Zealand as a whole that the most fearsome piece of fauna they could find to be their mascot is a bird whose chief defence against predators is to render itself extinct.

In terms of its ability to exact pain on its enemies it ranks somewhere between a field mouse and a spatchcock. Indeed, it shares pretty much all the qualities of a chicken, except edibility.

Why then, it might be asked, is a bird widely described by zoologists as “where the emu went wrong” New Zealand’s national symbol?

The truth, unfortunately, is that despite all this the kiwi is still the most dangerous animal our cousins across the dutch can muster — apart from the ones we’ve already got locked up in Villawood.

Yes, the sad truth is that New Zealand has nothing more deadly to throw at us than a bird which got its name because someone mistook it for a small, furry fruit.

Granted, of course, the wallaby is unlikely to make it onto the first season of World’s Deadliest Animals.

RUGBY GOLD: THE LATEST WORLD CUP FINAL NEWS

The Daily Telegraph.

However, when it comes from a country that has, pound for pound, the most dangerous animals in the world, a mid-sized marsupial can afford to speak softly and carry a big stick.

More salient, though, is that while a wallaby might have a tough time trying to beat, say, a lion, it’s a fairly safe bet that it could kick the s--- out of a small flightless bird.

Indeed, a wallaby can technically fly further than a kiwi can, which is frankly just an embarrassment for all concerned.

And so fear not, Australia, the science is in: according to the immovable laws of evolution there is no way a kiwi can beat a wallaby.

So, as they say in New Zealand, just sut beck end unjoy the show, eh bro?

Originally published as Rugby World Cup final: A Walla-beating for the cowering Kiwis