Reg Reagan: Minister for Marijuana puts green in the machine
When Prime Minister Scott Morrison called to ask me to become the Liberals’ Minister for Marijuana, I accepted. The opportunity allowed me to turn the Raiders into the real Green Machine, writes Reg Reagan.
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G-FORCE: Welcome to Big Papa’s house of pain
If you want to find the drunks, head to the keg. Likewise if you’re looking for Reg Reagan, follow the trail of success.
After months of constant badgering from Buzz Rothfield, I’ve decided it’s time to come clean.
The speculation is correct for the past two months — I’ve joined the Canberra Raiders as assistant coach and technical officer of all aspects motivational.
In my exclusive column for The Sunday Telegraph, I’ll reveal how the association between an under-achieving club and a pathological winner came about and how I’ve primed the boys to make battered chicken the main item on the menu come 7.30 Sunday night.
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REBEL TO RAIDER
In early August, Prime Minister Scott Morrison took a short break from sucking up to the President of the USA, Donny Trump, and gave me a quick call.
He revealed his plans to legalise pot in the ACT and asked if I’d be interested in taking on the role as the Liberals’ Minister for Marijuana.
It had a nice ring to it, but I was sceptical. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a cone as much as the next bloke, unless that next bloke’s Andrew Johns. I just didn’t see the benefit in giving it to public servants ... let’s face it, they’re already in reverse.
But then I thought, “What the hell?” — I travel to Canberra every few weeks to buy my skin mags, so I saw it as an opportunity to save on petrol and pick up a political pension on top.
RUNNING INTO RICKY
It was an afternoon, just after I’d moved down. I was in Fyshwick buying my magazines — they have excellent articles — when I run into my old mate and Raiders coach Ricky Stuart.
We went to the Royal Hotel in Queanbeyan to have a beer and compare mags when Ricky explained the problems he was having with his team.
Ricky was concerned, he had an excellent team but said when the pressure built up in games, the players tightened up. He’d done everything to relax them but nothing seemed to work.
I explained to Ricky my portfolio as Minister for Marijuana and with it being made legal in the ACT, perhaps I should start administering it to the team.
Coach Stuart was concerned: “I don’t know, I hear marijuana is a gateway drug.”
I assured Ricky I smoke it regularly and never once felt the impulse to build a gate.
I was on board. Time to put some green into the machine!
MEETING THE DUDES
I was a little nervous meeting the players. I’d never dealt with underachievement before and was a little worried it could be contagious.
They were an interesting bunch, in particular the young foreign backrower John Bateman.
I immediately took a shine to the kid, feeling sorry for him as he clearly was unable to speak English.
He told me through his interpreter that he came from a county called Bradford. I’d never heard of the place, which was strange because I’d topped my class in geography, getting a D-.
SMOKING THE STORM
In round 21, I sat in the stands and saw the players tighten up and lose to the Roosters in a close one. Ricky was right, these boys “needed to relax, man”.
The following week they took on the Storm in Melbourne and in the first half it was more of the same. At half-time they were down 18-4 and I’d seen enough.
As the players sat in the sheds, heads bowed, I produced the mother-of-all bucket bongs and urged the boys to get stuck in.
By the time they were ready to go out for the second half, their eyes were the colour of the Japanese flag and so relaxed we had to wake Jack Wighton up.
Full-time score? RAIDERS 22, STORM 18
We’re big and mean, The Green Machine.
LISTEN! In the season finale, Matty Johns is joined by James Hooper and Paul Kent to go over this Sunday’s grand final, plus how the build-up to the NRL’s biggest weekend can weigh on the favoured team (and how the Roosters are counteracting it!).
THE RUN TO THE GRAND FINAL
From that performance on, the players and Ricky bought in massively. So much so that skipper Jarrod Croker changed his name to Jarrod Smoker and Elliott Whitehead to Elliott Pothead.
Sure, there have been critics. 2GB shock jock Ray Hadley accused me of being a drug dealer and NRL CEO Todd Greenberg threatened to ban me from the dressing rooms.
I explained to Todd the benefits of marijuana, such as pain relief, anti-inflammation and that it also helps with stress, including dealing with dickheads. Todd cleared me of any wrongdoing and I slipped him a nice fat “Beattie beater”!
THE GRAND FINAL LUNCHEON
One of the tricks to grand final success is handling everything that is thrown your way, such as media commitments and the traditional grand final luncheon.
The players find the luncheon, in particular, a chore, so at the hotel before we leave for the lunch, I give the boys a couple of “edibles” each.
It worked a treat. The players remained cool and relaxed all through the lunch ceremony — until Sia Soliola got the munchies and ordered two meat lovers pizzas from Dominos.
PREPARING FOR ROOSTERS
It’s been a fantastic preparation. Ricky has kept the players upbeat and relaxed.
On Thursday we ventured into the city to see a Pink Floyd cover band, while on Friday night Ricky organised a motivational speaker. You could have heard a pin drop as Schapelle Corby shared her inspirational story.
On Saturday, after a little communal “chuff” in Josh Hodgson’s room, we gather to watch the video Ricky had prepared on the Roosters.
But after 10 minutes we agree, video analysis is for the squares man and watch The Wizard of Oz instead. The players are in stitches, I don’t remember it being so funny.
Things take a turn for the worse, though, when Joey Leilua starts freaking out and getting paranoid that Ricky Stuart is actually the Wicked Witch of the West.
We assure Joey that there’s no chance of Ricky mellowing to that extent.
WORLD RECORD STONERS
Everyone is raving about the Viking Clap, as if it’s some sort of new sensation.
I was a regular at the Private Bin nightclub in Canberra during the 90s and caught the Viking Clap at least a dozen times. By the end even the antibiotics wouldn’t work.
But seeing Mal Meninga blowing the Viking Horn pre-game will be a treat. And speaking of treats, I’ve organised for the horn to be filled choc-o-block with the finest “Panama Red” that one can find on the market.
So much, in fact, that I expect every one of the 80,000 in attendance to be off-chops by kick-off.
You’re welcome!
TIP
We’re not called the mighty Green Machine for nothing ... Raiders by plenty!