State of Origin 2018: Reg Reagan’s NSW Blues training camp secrets revealed
FROM his innovative training sessions to selecting a venue for the post-match function, REG REAGAN is just the man to give NSW the edge ahead of Origin I. The only question is — what’s in the cookies?
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FROM his innovative training sessions to selecting a venue for the post-match function, REG REAGAN is just the man to give NSW the edge ahead of Origin I. The only question is — what’s in the cookies?
THE ANNOUNCEMENT
I get a call from my great mate, NSW coach Brad Fittler, to once again join the Blues as their hydration expert and dietary adviser.
I accept reluctantly as hanging with losers has never been my thing, unless it’s at the local rub joint.
But then I hear the news!
A piece of news so great, I put it up in the same category as when man first walked on the moon and the birth of my illegitimate child Gabriel, whom I still don’t claim as my own.
The announcement that Cam Smith is retiring from Origin football, effective immediately!
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On hearing this news I grab the nearest blonde and kiss her passionately. I get the shock of my life when I realise it is Richard Wilkins.
Smith’s retirement sparks a range of reactions.
Fittler strips nude, smothers himself in peanut butter and streaks down Pitt St. It’s great to see the old Freddy back!
Former coach Laurie Daley bursts into tears, Maroons coach Kevin Walters registers at Centrelink.
Suddenly I’m filled with a rare optimism. We are home! But then again, with Freddy and Joey in charge, who knows what could go wrong.
DAY 1
AM: The coaching staff arrive at the hotel in Coogee and the first person I spot is my old nemesis Andrew “my shit don’t stink” Johns.
The last thing I want is for our feud to disrupt camp, so once again I act the bigger man, approach Andrew and offer him my hand in reconciliation.
He refuses to shake it, so I opt for Plan B.
I slip a Mentos into his pocket, call the police and the next thing you know he’s being hauled off to the cop shop on suspicion of carrying a Grade A narcotic.
I’ve still got it!
PM: That afternoon Fittler, Greg Alexander, Danny Buderus and yours truly gather to discuss selections in Freddy’s room, which he’s set up as a greenhouse for his hydroponic plants.
Freddie bakes a few cookies as we discuss the team and call the selected players.
I can’t remember what happens after we pick the fullback and wingers, but I wake up at 3am smelling like a stick of incense and craving a kebab.
DAY 2
AM: I wake up to a double dose of bad news. Joey Johns has arrived back at the hotel after being given bail, and apparently 40 players have turned up, believing they have been picked in the team.
What the f … was in Fittler’s cookies?
I wander sheepishly and am forced to explain to the likes of Trent Merrin, Aaron Woods and Ryan James that the only way they’ll ever be considered State of Origin players is if hallucinogenic drugs are declared legal.
PM: After lunch we finally convince Steve Mortimer and Cliffy Lyons that their selections are mistakes and then gather the team proper for a motivational talk, which turns out to be pretty unmotivating because it’s given by Andrew Johns.
When news filters through that Joey is giving team talks, the TAB installs Queensland as the new series favourites.
After the talk, Fittler takes the squad down to the Woolloomooloo PCYC shelter to feed the homeless.
It’s a wonderful gesture and it’s so good to see so many recently sacked NRL coaches turn up for a meal.
DAY 3
AM: We wake and decide we had better do a training session, given we have so many rookies and players of limited ability.
We go to the newly opened NSW State of Origin centre of excellence.
Given we’ve barely won a series in two decades and the centre is run by Paul Gallen, I suggest the centre of mediocrity would be a more fitting name.
Andrew Johns runs the training session and focuses on the Blues working their way out of trouble, something Andrew knows a lot about, particularly off the field.
Unfortunately, the session isn’t being held in a nightclub, so it’s a little out of Joey’s area of expertise.
PM: We gather to watch a video on the Queensland team, but everyone’s fairly bored after 15 minutes.
So instead we put on one of Reagan Campbell-Gillard’s Scandinavian movies he’s brought along from home.
It’s heartening to see young players still supporting the adult film industry rather than relying on cheap downloads on iPhones.
As I explain to the players, it’s best watched on a big-screen TV. The players nod in agreement and I go to bed knowing Australia’s future is in safe hands.
DAY 4
AM: We give the players the day off to relax, while we coaching staff head down to Melbourne for a reconnaissance mission.
We arrive at Sydney airport and are relieved to see our Jetstar flight is only running three hours late.
We adjourn to the airport bar to slam as many drinks into ourselves as the NSWRL expense account will allow.
PM: We arrive in Melbourne and immediately head to the Storm’s headquarters to congratulate Cam Smith on his decision and name him our NSW 2018 Player of the Series.
From there Brandy, Freddy and Bedsy go to the MCG to check out the surface. I don’t see the point, grass is grass, so I volunteer to check some possible venues for the post-match function.
I visit a couple of classy joints in the city called Spearmint Rhino and Kittens.
All charged back to the NSWRL, of course.
DAY 5
AM: We head to Mark “Spud” Carroll’s gym, where Spud insists on delivering a motivational message to the new players.
It is the best speech Spud has ever delivered, given no one could understand a single word he was saying.
Spud works the boys hard and at the conclusion of the session asks which player would like to hop in and spa with him.
Jake Trbojevic, showing he’s almost as dumb as he looks, volunteers and asks where the hot tub is.
Spud drags Jake into the boxing ring and Jake follows in that proud Manly tradition set by Mark Broadhurst, Dylan Walker and Daly Cherry-Evans of getting his face punched apart.
PM: Later that afternoon, Freddy takes the players to Allianz Stadium, where he encourages them to walk around the famous ground with their shoes off to soak up the minerals from mother Earth into the soles of their feet.
It has such an impact on the players that they drop Fittler off at a mental health facility on the way back to the hotel.
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DAY 6
AM: Myself and Brandy sit at breakfast and assess the camp so far. We outline the rules that have worked, and those that haven’t.
Coach Fittler’s “no dickheads” policy, with the exception of Andrew Johns and James Maloney, has worked well. But I feel the banning of mobile phones is totally unnecessary.
You can’t take away a player’s right to make obscene late-night phone calls to their mates, and I feel sorry for those sexting their loved ones via fax.
PM: We go to Coogee Oval after lunch, where it’s “fans’ afternoon”. Lots of families have turned up to watch the team train.
To prepare the team for the noise on match night, Freddy has a giant stereo system blasting out some of his favourite tunes.
It’s heartwarming to see the players and fans of all ages on the sidelines singing along to songs such as the Divinyls’ I Touch Myself, NWA’s F … The Police, Snoop Dogg’s Sexual Eruption and of course the good old Aussie classic from The Angels, Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again?
DAY 7
MIDDAY: The players have a sleep-in before meeting at the Coogee Bay Hotel for lunch.
Freddy has gone full vegan, which explains his insanity, but the players enjoy a meal of steak and pasta.
After lunch, Brandy takes the players for a pre-game Blues ritual started last year by Josh Dugan and Blake Ferguson.
The players splinter off into groups of two and try to find an obscure, out-of-the-way pub where they can get rat-faced without anyone knowing.
GAME DAY
AM: The winner of the Dugan/Ferguson Award this year went to the Trbojevic brothers, Tom and Jake, after they were discovered passed out drunk in a pub in Auckland, New Zealand. That’s commitment!
The boys are feeling great. Expect a Blues victory.
NSW by 12.