State of Origin 2018: Reg Reagan joins the Queensland camp in a bid to give NSW the edge
AFTER the highs of game one, NSW know they can’t afford to throw it away again. So REG REAGAN infiltrated the Maroons camp but finds drinking with the enemy a sobering experience …
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AFTER the highs of game one, NSW know they can’t afford to throw it away again. So REG REAGAN infiltrated the Maroons camp but finds drinking with the enemy a sobering experience …
1-0 NSW …. Let’s begin this Game II diary with what happened at full-time at the MCG.
THE JUBILATION
Nothing beats the feeling of victory, apart from convincing your ex-wife to only take 20 per cent in the divorce settlement.
We gather together, arm in arm, to do the Blues victory song.
Unfortunately it’s been sung so infrequently, that no one knows it, so to celebrate, we instead sing the Queensland song. “Ippi. I. I. ippi. ippi. I …” God it feels good!
The coach Brad Fittler gets up to make a speech but given his skivvy and pale blue sports coat, security mistakes him as a member of Human Nature and eject him from the dressing room.
Due to Freddy’s vegan diet he’s too weak to fight back and calls me outside the stadium to ask me to get the boys to the post-match function.
THE FUNCTION
I ask the team manager where the victory function is being held and he replies, “The Pullman”. That sounds like just what I need! Until he explains it’s a hotel. Boring!
I pull a few strings and manage to redirect the “function” to the Spearmint Rhino “Gentleman’s Club”.
Melbourne to me, while not the arsehole of the earth, is certainly in smelling distance. However, buoyed by victory and the fact that it’s two for the price of one lap dance night, I am warming to the southern hell hole.
THE AFTERMATH
Crikey … I’ve either had 30 too many tequilas or accidentally swallowed the remnants of Joey Johns’ right pocket … I wake to a call from Brandy Alexander, and it’s a week Sunday and there’s drama!
Apparently Reagan Campbell-Gillard has broken his jaw and is considering pulling out of Game II. They’re about to sit for a selection meeting.
I race to Melbourne Airport and after a short seven-hour delay and 22 schooners, get a flight to Sydney.
THE MEETING
I arrive at the hotel in Coogee and am greeted by the team and coaching staff.
Campbell-Gillard insists he can’t play with the broken jaw and I decide to take him to task in front of the squad.
I explain to the former “hard man” that I broke my jaw playing against the Parkes Spacemen back in ’79. I had the option of getting it wired or playing on, and opted for the latter.
I still haven’t had my jaw fixed and although I can’t eat solids, it’s actually improved my French kissing.
Regan still refuses to play and I call him every name under the sun, and even stoop so low as to say he’s “No better than Joey Johns”, something I later regret.
The mood among the players is sombre, so I suggest we start camp by having a joke night.
Freddy kicks off by adding Ryan James to the squad!
THE DEFECTION
Disaster strikes camp! Thanks to his vegan diet, the Arch Duke of hippy Free love, “flyblown” Fittler is too weak (smashed) to get out of bed.
So, unasked, the Baron of Bargeass, Andrew Johns takes the reins and puts the boys through their paces down at Coogee Oval.
Unfortunately Andrew has the oratory skills of Sylvester Stallone with a mouthful of marbles and the session is a complete fiasco. The confidence in the team is draining faster than free keg night at The Railway Hotel in Lidcombe.
Assistant coach Greg Alexander grabs me in a panic … a man of his experience has seen these kinds of things before … actually by the look of Brandy he’s probably seen the birth of Jesus, but that’s beside the point.
“The camp is in disarray!”
There’s only one way to win this series and that’s to infiltrate the Queensland camp and lead them on a path of destruction.
Brandy’s plan: “A member of the NSW coaching staff to defect across, all the while stealing ideas, passing on misinformation and getting the Queensland boys as pissed as the pirates of Penzance, right up till kick off.”
I’m sceptical … I mean Kevvie Walters is not a complete idiot. Actually, on second thought, yes he is.
“Brandy, you’re a genius.”
Brandy asks for a volunteer …. I nominate Bargeass Johns, he has a proud record of leading people astray. But all eyes turn to me.
It’s clear to everyone I’m the man. I have a proud history of disloyalty and mistrust. I accept!
SANCTUARY COVE, THE GOLD COAST
I get to Queensland camp, the finest resort in all of the sunshine state, Sanctuary Cove on the Gold Coast, it’s just like Long Bay Prison, but with tropical birds, banjoes and drunk footballers.
I’m greeted with natural suspicion, until I say the Maroons secret code, “There’s nothing wrong with dating your sister!”
I’m suddenly treated as one of their own.
The first thing Kevvie does is ask me who’s going to replace Campbell-Gillard in the Blues row. I mean to throw them off and say Aaron Woods, but instead, in a state of panic I give it away and say, “Matt Prior.”
They laugh hysterically and Kevvie tells me, “You’ve still got it Reggie.”
Phew, that was close.
THE BONDING NIGHT
Typical Queensland bonding night with the boys sitting around drinking rum, fighting, listening to Garth Brooks and arguing over who has the sexiest family member.
I fear I’m getting Stockholm syndrome.
THE INJURY CRISIS
There’s huge concerns over the fitness of front rower Dylan Napa. I love Napa, he’s as tough as nails and as dumb as a lamp post, exactly what you want in a footballer.
Nothing would give the Blues a boost like, “Big Dill” being ruled out.
I decide to act swiftly and during a warm up drill, start kicking the red-headed Rooster repeatedly in the troublesome right ankle.
Big mistake! In his native Rockhampton they class this as foreplay and I spend the next two days fending off his advances.
I’M OUTA HERE
I like a drink as much as the next bloke, particularly if the next bloke is Todd Carney, but seriously I can’t keep pace with these blokes.
I call an Uber and get the next flight from Coolangatta to Mascot.
BACK IN THE FIELD
It’s great to be back in civilisation. I report to Greg Alexander and pass on everything I’ve learnt … which, to be honest is bugger all.
Nonetheless I reckon we’ll be too good (sober).
My tip: NSW BY 8.
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