Paul Kent: NRL’s third party deals beyond a joke
THE NRL’s laughably bad financial arrangement has hit a level of comedic proportions, writes PAUL KENT.
NRL
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EIGHTY years ago, come February, Abbott and Costello first performed their famous Who’s On First routine for radio.
The routine immediately went into folklore as Costello tried to figure out who was playing first base for St Louis, when Costello was telling him it was Who all along.
It was perfect nonsense and perfectly suits the nonsense happening in the NRL right now.
So, this is Abbott and Costello, a poor man’s version, updated:
Costello: Hey Abboottttt!!! Abboottttt!! What’s all that racket down the hall? I can barely sleep.
Abbott: Oh, sounds like you must already know if you’re having trouble sleeping.
Costello: What are you talking about?
Abbott: Somebody is having a Third Party.
Costello: A Third Party? What happened to the other two?
Abbott: Oh, I can’t say, Nobody talks about them.
Costello: Nobody, huh?
Abbott: That’s right. He’s the man who runs the game.
Costello: Who does?
Abbott: Oh, no, no, Who is still playing first base, we got that sorted out years ago. I’m talking about Nobody.
Costello: Nobody? You gotta be talking about Somebody.
Abbott: Not right now, I’m not. Somebody is the guy who could fix it but Nobody won’t tell him to do it.
Costello: That’s what I’m asking. Why don’t Somebody do it?
Abbott: Because it’s Nobody’s job.
Costello: Let’s start again. This racket down the hall is a Third Party?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: And you’re sayin’ Nobody can fix it? Nobody at all?
Abbott: Now you’re beginning to understand me.
Costello: Surely Somebody can fix it?
Abbott: Nobody can.
Costello: All I’m trying to figure out is Who can stop this Third Party racket that’s driving me crazy.
Abbott: And I told you, Who’s still playing baseball. This is a job for Nobody.
Costello: So Somebody can’t do it?
Abbott: No! Are you listening at all? Nobody makes all the big decisions in the NRL. He has the power to stop that Third Party right now if he wanted to go ahead and do it. It’d save us all a whole heap of trouble if he did.
Costello: Then why don’t he? It’s giving me a tremendous headache. You’d think Somebody would do something.
Abbott: I thought I told you. Somebody could fix it but Nobody won’t tell him to.
Costello: So I have to keep putting up with this racket? It sure is making a lot of bad noise for something that don’t seem so important.
Abbott: What got you so agitated anyway, sounds like you heard all about what happened this week with Manly?
Costello: What’s Manly?
Abbott: Ah, now you’re beginning to get it and I agree; there’s nothing manly about cheating.
Costello: Cheating? I thought you was talking about Manly?
Abbott: They are one and the same. At least this week. Last year, it was Parramatta and Cheating and some years before that it was Melbourne and Cheating and before that it was Canterbury and Cheating.
Costello: Wow, it sounds like this Cheating caper never goes far away. Doesn’t anybody learn their lesson?
Abbott: Why would they? They usually win the premiership a couple of years after Cheating. She is a formidable friend, as you can see.
Costello: Now I’m getting Confused.
Abbott: No use getting him.
Costello: What are you talking about?
Abbott: Confused, the commissioner. That’s his framed picture right there next to the Queen. I was saying no use getting him. He’s waiting for Somebody to fix it, too.
Costello: That’s the commissioner? What’s that silly thing on his head?
Abbott: Now you’re beginning to figure it out! That’s what this is all about. We call that the Salary Cap. That’s what started this whole thing in the first place.
Costello: You mean the Third Party down the hall all got started because of this Salary Cap? How has that got anything to do with this Salary Cap?
Abbott: Because clubs were unhappy with the Salary Cap so they wanted a Third Party on top of that and while ever that Third Party is there you will always get Cheating. Ask Everybody, he knows.
Costello: Everybody knows that Third Party and Cheating go together?
Abbott: They are the best of friends. But Confused doesn’t know what to do and Nobody does nothing. Somebody is waiting to get the go-ahead and keeps talking about it one day, even though most of us believe Anybody could fix it tomorrow.
Costello: Anybody could do the job?
Abbott: Good to see you’re listening. All you gotta do is ban Third Party. Then Everybody can get a better night’s sleep.
Costello: That sounds simple.
Abbott: Oh, Simple, he left this game years ago.