‘I wanted to die’: Kieran Foran opens up about gambling, drinking, self-harm and why he walked away from a $5m contract

EXCLUSIVE: For the first time, troubled Eels star Kieran Foran reveals his battle with mental illness and talks about his suicide attempt, gambling, his split with the mother of his children and why he really walked away from $5m. LISTEN TO THE FULL INTERVIEW

Kieran Foran on quitting the Eels: “I wasn’t thinking about the money, the fact that I had signed a $4 million deal.”

• KIERAN FORAN: THE FULL INTERVIEW
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• Parra coach resigned to losing the star he wooed
• How losing star half affects Parra’s equation

IN an exclusive interview with sports editor-at-large Phil Rothfield, troubled rugby league star Kieran Foran describes in his own words his attempted suicide, his battle with mental illness, quitting Parramatta, gambling and his relationship with punter Eddie Hayson.

SUICIDE ATTEMPT

In April, Foran was rushed to St Vincent’s Hospital suffering from a drug overdose. Did he try to take his own life?

Yes, the intent was there. I wanted out. About 1.30am I remember driving in my car, thinking in my head what way I was going to kill myself. I ended up driving back to my apartment, where I was staying in the city. I had a batch of left over pills that were pain-killing medication. I tried to basically overdose.

I remember the week vividly. I had been struggling, I had a lot going on. Trying to work through my relationship breakdown, with two young kids, with my ex-partner, while juggling football. I just wasn’t coping. I could see I was starting to lose hope on life, really. I just couldn’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. I just remember one late Thursday night it all got too much for me.

Kieran Foran: “I’m grateful I’m here today.”

I can’t remember the exact amount (of pills I took). It was a handful. I remember getting told the next day by the nurses that it wasn’t enough to kill me but definitely enough to make me crook. At the time I was hoping that it was gonna do the job. I’m grateful I’m here today, but I remember waking up the next morning wishing that it had worked.

The problems that led to Foran’s suicide attempt had began last year as the changes in his life began to overwhelm him.

November last year was sort of when my whole world started crumbling beneath me. I started at a new club, had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Behind the scenes I was going through a relationship breakdown with a heavily pregnant partner, a young daughter. I was trying to juggle everything, including how depressed I was.

I remember just trying to hide it from everyone around me. I’m a proud bloke and I didn’t want to show any weakness. I was training, doing long preseason days with the boys, then I would jump in my car and travel up to Cessnock where my brother lived and spend the night and jump in the car back at 4am and drive back down for preseason. I was doing it nearly every day.

I wasn’t coping at all, there were nights where I didn’t want to make the trip to Cessnock. So I would pull my car over on the side of the road and sleep in my car.

With good mate Mitchell Pearce.

I was just trying to lean on family support around me and I was too proud a bloke to admit I was down in the dumps. One day at training I basically broke down in (Parramatta coach) Brad Arthur’s office. That was a couple of weeks before Christmas. At training one day I just said to him: ‘I need help. I’m really struggling. I’m not well. I wanna go and get help’.

He said let’s get the appropriate help. He said to me: ‘Have the rest of the year off from preseason. Let’s book you into a mental health clinic’. Which I did. That would have been December 15.

I checked myself in for three weeks, didn’t leave the clinic.

There I was at Christmas in a mental health clinic, hiding from everyone, telling lies. I didn’t want anyone to know.

At a community training event at Allambie Heights during Manly days.

Going public about his mental health issues was an incredibly tough decision, but one that ultimately brought some relief.

I think that breaking point was the St Vincent’s visit for me. Once I had to request to go to Brisbane (for rehab) it all came out in the open just how bad I was, how mentally ill I was. That was a weight off my shoulders. I didn’t have to hide it anymore. I wasn’t putting a mask on trying to show to people that I was a strong bloke who wasn’t suffering, when everyone now knew just how bad I was.

GOING TO REHAB

After spending a few days in hospital Foran went to a rehab facility in Brisbane. During that time reports emerged that he was seen out drinking with mates.

After lengthy discussions it was decided to send me up to hospital in Brisbane to get treatment. I did a full three-week stint in the hospital. I worked closely with a mood psychiatrist who basically diagnosed me then and there with bipolar. We just worked day after day on my issues and what was needed, what I had to do in terms of improving myself and moving forward. It’s disappointing that people would think that I wouldn’t take it seriously. I was there for a reason,
I was there to get treatment, I was there to get diagnosed professionally. I did stay for the entire treatment.

Foran leaves the field bloodied.

That one particular night that has been talked about in the newspaper, I met with my psychiatrist that morning. I had explained that I had a group of four or five friends who had come up for the weekend to visit me. I said would he mind if I got out and about, to be around people, to get a bite to eat and to watch Parramatta play Rabbitohs on the Friday night. He said to me, ‘Go out with your friends, mingle with people. Just make sure you are back by 10.30’. So I said no problem.

I met with my friends, we walked down to The Pig And Whistle. I ordered a salad, had a bottle of water. Those who would have seen me would have seen I had a bottle of water in front of me. I was there with the intent to watch my team play. Then we left straight away. The talk about me being in a nightclub drinking with mates and carrying on couldn’t be further from the truth.

So is he drinking much now?

Not at all. I wouldn’t say I’m a big drinker. I would say over the past two or three years I have turned to alcohol and drunk too much to bury my issues and drown my feelings. But I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I can control my alcohol. If I choose to have a couple of quiet beers with close friends, then I will do that in a social manner. But that’s all it will be.

FAMILY PRESSURE

Adding to Foran’s increasing depression was the breakdown of his relationship with long-term partner Rebecca Pope, the mother of his children Jordan and Emerson. Foran and Rebecca are currently going through a financial settlement that will give her his three properties, a car and money. Foran will only keep $100,000 to get him through the next year. So how are they getting along now?

Rebecca is the mother of my two kids and I will always love her for that. We have been together since we were 19. We wanted to start a young family. Obviously we had the intentions of growing old together and being together for 50-odd years. But we hit some roadblocks. Like all relationships you have your ups and your downs.

Foran with his daughter Emerson and Rebecca Pope. Picture: Instagram

 Ours was no different. Going through what I was going through at the time, and what I was suffering from, it made it all that more difficult. We tried to work through our issues but couldn’t. At the moment we are separated, and that’s the way it is. The kids are with her. She is a brilliant mother to the kids. I’m better off being away at the moment, working on myself, making sure that I can work on the things that I need to work on, to journey. And we both have to do our journey.

At the time of Jordan’s birth in April false rumours were aired on radio that Foran wasn’t his father.

For myself, it didn’t really bother me too much. I’ve got a thick skin. I know my two kids are my kids, you’ve just got to look at them to know that. It was hurtful for my ex-partner. It was terrible to see her go through that. For people to think that. Rumours and innuendo are always going to be there, it’s just part of life, and part of the game I guess. It was a horrible thing to deal with, just coming out of hospital and what I was going through.

EDDIE HAYSON

Foran was driven to the interview by his good mate, punter Eddie Hayson. His relationship with the former brothel owner has raised eyebrows in some quarters.

Eddie has been a mate for about 10 years. He has been a good friend of mine. He has always been someone that I have always been able to talk to about things. He has seen me in my darkest days, he has seen me in my darkest moments. I would say in the last three or four months I’ve leaned on him pretty heavily. And he has been someone that has been there for me pretty constantly and allowed a network for me to bounce up when I’m down. He is a loyal bloke. He is one of my most loyal friends. I can’t speak more highly of the bloke. I know that there is a lot of stuff out there about him. I don’t think a bloke should be judged on what he has done in the past, just because he has owned a brothel. I don’t think that has anything to do with it. The guy is a family man. He has two young kids. He is a good man and a good father.

GAMBLING

Foran is known to enjoy a punt and he says it helps relieve his depression. But how true are the stories that have emerged about his gambling sprees?

Gambling has been a part of my life for a long time. Those close to me know I enjoy a bet. I enjoy a bet on the races. But the story that broke about me having gambling sprees of $75,000 couldn’t have been further from the truth. I put $8000 into that TAB account to have a bet.

Like I said, gambling has been a big part of my life for a long time. I’ve turned to alcohol to deal with my issues, to try to work on those feelings. I’ve done the same with gambling. They aren’t issues any more. My life now doesn’t entail those big betting sprees. If I still want to go to the pub socially with a couple of close friends and have a beer then I will. It’s not something I use to escape my feelings anymore.

MATCH-FIXING

After leaving Manly to join Parramatta, claims were raised about match-fixing at his former club.

I was heartbroken that people would think that proud club, our players, would be involved in that sort of stuff. I played at the club for seven years. I know every bloke that pulled on that jersey every week went out with the intent to win. We played in grand finals, we won premierships together. To think that people would think that blokes would go out there to throw a game is disgusting.

Foran says his problems were well entrenched before he left Manly.

I’ve never been offered to throw a match, not once. I know that if I was that it just would not happen. It’s not in my DNA, it’s not in my makeup. I’m a competitor. I want to win every game.

I know every bloke that has played in that club is proud of their performance and the way they have played. I think that to be labelled these things is heartbreaking.

I met with a couple of them (his former teammates) the other week for dinner. We catch up regularly. They are exactly the same. It’s a horrible thing to have written about you when we go out there and put our bodies on the line every single week.

QUITTING PARRA

After signing a contract worth nearly $5 million to play for the Eels, he took the huge decision to quit the club. Ultimately, he says, it is a decision he is comfortable with.

It was a decision I didn’t want to make. But I got to a position where I knew that I had to make the call because the head space that I was in wasn’t improving. I was in a lot of pain. I had shoulder surgery and was on a lot of painkilling medication. I wasn’t sleeping at night. I had commitments at the club, I had to be there for physios, and I was missing those appointments because of the sleep that I was missing and the anxiety I was under. It just became all too much for me. I made the decision to have a heart-to-heart with Brad, basically to request the release.

“At the moment I have no motivation to play.”

I couldn’t have kept going in the way I was going. It was getting that bad. I couldn’t sleep because of the pain I was in. Then I would have to get up early and drive from the Central Coast down to training. I would have to pull over on the side of the freeway to try to catch 45 minutes’ sleep because I thought I might crash my car. I was doing that three or four times a week. It just wasn’t safe for me.

I wasn’t thinking about the money, the fact that I had signed a $4 million deal. That didn’t come into account for me. That wasn’t going to be worth anything for me if I was going to crash my car or I was going to be dead.

LEAVING MANLY

Foran’s affinity to Manly is no secret, but does he have any regrets about leaving?

That’s what it would look like from the outside. A few people have said that to me. My problems were well and truly entrenched before I left my Manly. I was pretty depressed last year when I was playing there.

Sometimes you can’t put your finger on depression and why it comes on. Something can trigger it, I’m not too sure what it was for me. I had lost motivation. I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing anymore. I’m not sure why, it could have been a range of issues. I’ve never been able to put my finger on it.

THE ROAD AHEAD

With ongoing injury and his footy career on hold, when can we expect to see him back on the field?

I made the decision to give up rugby league. It’s on my time, there are no doctors that can give me a time. That was my decision that came from within. I felt I needed time away from rugby league. It wasn’t what I needed in my life right now, and it’s not. I need time to work on myself and get my personal life back on track.

“My priority at the moment is getting myself right. I know there will come a time where I need to earn a living.”

When I get that love and desire back for rugby league, then I will know I will want to play it again. At the moment I have no motivation to play it. I wanna get my shoulder right. I wanna get healthy again in the mind and the body. I have given up a big opportunity to earn big money — I wrestle with that every day. I’ve got two kids, I could have stayed around and just played it out for the money, but I’ve never been driven by money. I felt that I needed the time now to get myself right. I know that if I can get myself right I can come back to rugby league.

It’s an everyday treatment for me. I’m on medication for my depression and my bipolar that I take every single day. I have weekly appointments with my psychologists. I have a weekly Skype session with my psychiatrist in Brisbane.

So when the time comes, where will he resume his career?

I haven’t even thought about it. I’m very close to (Bulldogs coach) Des Hasler. He rang me a month or two ago, just to see how I was going with everything. We are friends, he has always checked up on me on a personal level. So he rang to see how I was travelling. But that was all.

Could he return beside his mate, Roosters star Mitchell Pearce?

It’s not even on my mind, rugby league. You know it’s well publicised that Mitchell and me are great mates and we grew up kicking the footy together, it always comes up around contract time. It’s the farthest thing from my mind at the moment. I watch a few games on the weekend as a fan. I’m not missing it.

My priority at the moment is getting myself right. I know there will come a time where I need to earn a living, and if I need to go out and work, then I’m prepared to do that any day.

THE LAST WORD

So is Foran improving?

Yeah, I am. I would say in the last two weeks I’ve noticed a drastic improvement.

I think those around me have noticed a drastic improvement in my overall persona.

I’m smiling again. I’m starting to laugh again. That’s something I haven’t done for years.